Reluctant Royals
by Bellajewels
Summary: Can love heal two hearts marred by tragedy? Prince Killian and Emma Swan find themselves facing an arranged marriage due to a law on the books in their kingdom. After each facing tragedy in the past can they open themselves up to finding love again or will those old wounds keep them apart despite their vows.
1. Prologue

_**Misthaven Kingdom: 2012**_

 _Her hand lay limp in his, her face an ashen gray. She was breathing still, barely, but he knew it was only a matter of breathes before she left him for good. Now, in this moment, it didn't matter that he had known the diagnosis and that this day was coming. No amount of preparation could stop the avalanche of grief bearing down on him. First their child when she was diagnosed and now her._

 _The sun shining in the window felt like it was a mockery of his pain and if it weren't for the fact he was unwilling to let go of her hand he would have moved to close the curtains. They had said their goodbyes. Her with her deathbed requests that he move on and him with his insincere promises that that he would. He had never loved before her and he was confident that he never love after her either._

 _Listening he heard her breath grow shaky and the rattle in her chest grow more prominent. The hospice worker had called it the death rattle, signifying that despite his tears and pleading with her to hold on and fight harder she indeed was going to leave him. Her hand clutched tighter as she took a breath and his head shot up, eyes moving to her face. She had been still for nearly a day as her body shut down and despite the knowledge he had, courtesy of the hospice nurse, he still felt a tiny spark of hope at the slight movement. As he saw her body tremor though he felt that spark of hope die as she struggled to catch her final breath._

 _Tears pooled in his eyes as he stared at her chest, willing it to move again. He felt selfish and cruel for wishing her back to the body that had turned on her so violently. He remembered the early days of her illness when they both attributed her weight loss to the morning sickness that came along with pregnancy. So many of her symptoms they had been able to write off as pregnancy symptoms and so neither of them were concerned. It wasn't until she was in her fourth month of pregnancy, when she was having trouble just walking from the living room to the kitchen, that they started to worry._

 _A trip to the obstetrician led to a trip to an oncologist which led to a diagnosis. Stage three pancreatic cancer that had already metastasized to her liver and her lungs. Days later the doctor scheduled the surgery to take the baby. If they didn't both her and the baby would die and the chemo was too dangerous with her being pregnant. Although they had spent nearly two years trying to get pregnant they had to say goodbye to their child to save her life._

 _Except now he was sitting here with her lifeless hand in his and there was no wife and no baby. There was nothing except for a lifetime ahead of grief and loneliness._

" _Milah. Milah, please baby. Please just come back."_

 _Tears charted their course down his face but tears held no sway over death. No amount of prayers or tears would bring life back to her body. Moving to the edge of the bed he lifted her into his arms, brushing his lips across her sparse hair._

" _I love you. How am I supposed to do this without you? I can't even remember a time without you."_

 _It felt like hours that he lay there with her laying lifeless body in his arms, as though time had decided to stop with her. Finally the door to the room that they had shared opened and his parents stood, grief written across their faces as well._

" _We heard you but we thought you should have some time with her."_

 _As always his mother made his way towards him, arms outstretched. It was comfort she offered, and he would pretend to take it, but he wanted this grief. It was something he could hold onto since he no longer had his wife._

" _I don't even know what to do Mom. How do I go on?"_

" _You start with getting through today. Tomorrow you do it again. You do it every single day until it doesn't take everything to get through it. Right now it feels like you'll never be okay again. You'll probably never be the same again. But my boy I promise you that you are strong and when you can't be your father and I will be there to help you be strong again."_

 _Tears continued to flow but over the course of the night they abated. He wanted them to keep going forever. It felt wrong not to be crying, like he was doing her memory a disservice because he wasn't wailing and tearing his clothes. The movies always got it wrong. It was when the tears stopped that the pain really started. It blended into a cocktail of guilt and remorse and a thousand different versions of what might have been. The coroner came but he barely took notice._

 _He heard his parents come and go, although his mother never left his side for long. Still it was like he was outside his body, a dozen versions of the life that they should have lived playing like a movie over and over in his mind. Today he was allowed to grieve but that wouldn't be the case forever. Eventually the world would expect him to go on. His parents were willing to release him from his duties as Prince of Misthaven now but eventually he would be expected to take on the mantle of leading the kingdom. He would be expected to marry and produce an heir._

 _For now he was allowed to just be but eventually the time would come that he would have to put his grief on the back-burner to do what all royals eventually did. Sacrifice for their country._


	2. Chapter 1

_**Chapter One**_

 **Four Years Later**

This was living. The sun on her face, the wind in her hair. A couple hours off from any responsibilities. Emma Nolan loved her parents, and she loved her life but this, this was when she felt like she was really living. On her bike racing along the foothills of the mountains in Misthaven.

She'd been back for almost a year and still she felt like she was just biding her time. Waiting for the next thing. The Peace Corp had been good for her. A chance to go out and spread her wings, to make a difference in the world. Like most people she found a purpose when she did charity work but unlike the way her parents felt about their careers it didn't feel like a calling. She wanted to do good and be good but there was still a sense that something was missing. The adventure, the freedom of just getting to be herself.

She knew the next step. She had gone out and sown her wild oats and in their ever so loving way her parents had already laid out their expectations for her. Find a job, settle into it, start dating someone, get married, and give them grandchildren. A thoroughly normal existence which sounded perfectly peaceful but also incredibly dull. She didn't want to live just a normal existence. She wanted to do something amazing. Something life changing.

As her motorcycle caught a turn in just the right way she couldn't help but think that while she knew that she still had no idea what that amazing thing might be.

"Brennan parliament is not going to let us wait on this anymore. We have put this off for as long as we possibly can."

"Louisa this is 2016. How can we still be having a conversation about this antiquated law? He's our son and he lost his wife."

"He lost his wife four years ago Brennan. If Liam had lived we wouldn't be having this conversation but he didn't and we are. We've tried everything we could to stop it or put it off."

"The decree isn't going anywhere. How do we tell our son?"

"Tell me what?"

Turning, they saw him standing in their doorway. He looked completely different than he did four years before. Milah's death had changed him in almost every way. Before he had worn khakis and polo shirts. Now he wore black skinny jeans, black button down shirts, and a black leather jacket. At times it appeared that he was permanently in mourning. He had gotten his ear pierced and bought a motorcycle that he loved taking out at completely inappropriate times. Usually when there was a parliament session or meetings with heads of state. He was going to be king someday yet he showed no interest in learning how to lead his country. Four years had passed and he was still drowning in his grief. First love did not die easily.

Milah and Killian had been high school sweethearts, having met at fourteen at a Royal Fair. They had commissioned a carnival because their children were constantly lamenting the fact that the Royal Fair was insufferably boring. So that year the King and Queen of Misthaven had turned the royal grounds into a midway and invited the children of the kingdom to come and make a day of it. It was remembered as one of the greatest events the kingdom had ever sponsored but for Killian it was the day that everything had changed.

Liam made friends easily but Killian had stayed in the background, always observing, barely participating. Milah wanted to be friends with Liam but her affections had gravitated towards Killian. Her love helped him blossom into a young man who made friends with ease and she helped him realize that he wasn't only Liam Jones younger brother. He was someone special in his own right. A realization that had helped him when Liam was killed in a boating accident when Killian was seventeen. Milah was by his side and it was just months later that they had gotten engaged.

They married at nineteen and lived in near bliss until her diagnosis when they were twenty three. Less than a year later and she was gone, leaving him a widower. They had given him time and space. Tried to anyways. They honestly believed that while Killian had loved Milah that it was a first love and that he would move on. So they had left him to grieve however he saw fit.

"Tell me what? You're clearly talking about me so what is it?"

His mothers eyes darted to his father, silently inquiring how to tell him that his entire world had to change.

"Killian, why don't you come in and have a seat. You're correct. This is about you and it's fairly urgent."

Taking a seat in the chair across the living room from his parents he tried to train his eyes on them, instead of the expanse of hills outside the castle windows. That was always where he wanted to be. The castle was huge but it was stifling. Their expectations made it feel like a prison cell, regardless of its massive square footage.

"So?"

"Your father and I have been having meeting with parliament."

"What do they want from me now? My wife is dead. Firstborn is out of the question."

"They do want something from you and it's not a request. It's a law."

"Well that doesn't sound good."

"You have to get married within the month. Before your twenty eighth birthday."

The words were barely out of her mouth before he was on his feet, pacing as he ran his hand through his slightly longish hair.

"You had better go back to parliament and tell them that that is out of the question. Dad, you can't seriously be thinking about forcing me to get married for some ridiculous law."

"I agree that it's ridiculous Killian but your mother and I have held this off as long as we possibly could. The law is that you have to be married by twenty eight."

"In case you and Mom have forgotten I've already fulfilled that law. I was married at nineteen."

"Parliament is aware of that, which is why they've allowed us to push it this far. We can't push any farther. As the prince and future king you have to marry because there needs to be an heir to the throne."

"So I not only have to marry a stranger on command but I have to procreate on demand? Not a particularly sympathetic group of people are they?"

"We look out for what's best for you. They look out for what's best for the kingdom."

"Except you're not looking really looking out for what's best for me now are you?"

"We are but we are still the leaders of this kingdom and this is law. It would have been different had Liam lived but you're now our only living heir and you're going to be king someday. We have to think about those things. You have to think about those things."

"Fine. Find me a wife. I'll get married. But if you think that I'm going to just jump into bed with her and have a kid you have another thing coming to you. You can force me to marry. You can't force me to do anything else. Last I checked their were laws on the books about that as well."

His last words trailed off as he left the room leaving his parents in his wake.

 _King Brennan and Queen Louisa Jones_

 _are taking admissions for potential brides for their son_

 _Prince Killian._

 _All letters should be addressed to the Royal Postal Office_

 _with the label reading "In Regards to Marriage."_

 _Ladies under the age of 21 and over the age of 35 need not apply._

 _Letters to be considered must be submitted by Friday._

"Brennan, this is ridiculous."

"We've only read a handful of letters Louisa. I hardly think that it's a lost cause already."

"This woman is applying because she thinks that she was groomed for and I quote princesshood. The woman in this letter has made clear that while she really has no interest in Killian, as women are more down her alley, she feels that she could be an asset to the royal family as she is heavily into philanthropy. Fancies herself a real Princess Diana. And I've read at least half a dozen other letters that all fall into one of those arenas. I've yet to read a letter that shows a genuine interest in Killian."

They sat in silence for another hour, sifting through letter after letter. More and more they got discouraged. Lots of women wanted to help the kingdom but so rarely did they even mention wanting to be a wife. A princess, yes. Future queen. Definitely. But wife rarely was brought up.

"I'm only reading one more today Brennan. If this isn't it then I don't know what to do."

"It's been one day. One afternoon of letter reading."

"I want what's right for our kingdom but I'm his mother and more than what's right for the kingdom I want what's right for our son."

She stopped speaking before looking back down to the letter in her hand. As hopeful as she had been that morning she felt little of that hope now. She opened the envelope slowly, wary of it's contents, and began reading.

 _To Whom It May Concern,_

 _My name is Mary Margaret Nolan. I'm a teacher in the small village of Storybrooke. My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers. He's a local veterinarian. For these reasons I am well aware that I'm not eligible to be a bride for your handsome son. I assume that it will be the king and queen making this decision. We are more similar than our very different background would lead us to believe._

 _I am writing this letter for my daughter, Emma. She doesn't know that I'm writing. The last thing that she would ever want would be a marriage of convenience or to be princess. Yet it's those very things that make me believe that she would be perfect for the position. We've lived in this kingdom for all of Emma's life and for that reason we are at least moderately aware of the goings on at the castle. We were so sad to hear of your eldest son's passing and we were grieved for your younger son when he lost his wife. So much grief for one so young. Years may have passed but I've no doubt that the loss is still very real for him._

 _The fact that you're putting out this request tells me that this is not a choice that he's comfortable with but that it's a choice that must be made. I don't want to sell you on my daughter. She is amazing but should you feel that she would be a suitable choice you will meet her and you will be able to make that call on your own. I will however give you this._

 _My daughter is searching for something but she's not exactly sure what. She feels a pull to the unknown, to the extraordinary. That could be something as simple as skydiving or para-sailing. But it could also be this marriage. Your son is probably not looking for love and my daughter is not searching for it either. Perhaps that's the best way to find it._

 _I hope that while you're making this decision you will think of our daughter. I truly feel that this could be an opportunity for something great, for both of our children._

 _With our highest regard,_

 _Mary Margaret and David Nolan_

Despite having never met Mary Margaret Nolan she felt a kinship with her. The bond of motherhood reached across the page, calling out to her. Going against your child's will for their best interest was hard, and more than a little meddlesome, but sometimes the results were exactly what they never knew they needed. This woman, whom she had never met, understood that with perfect clarity.

It also eased her guilt a bit in regards to allowing parliament to push this marriage on her son. While she knew he didn't want it perhaps this push towards the unknown was exactly what he had needed. She had allowed him to wallow in his grief for years, never wanting to push, but he had yet to snap out of it. It was possible that this law could be a blessing in disguise.

"Brennan, I think we've found it."

She passed the letter to him and sat quietly while he read it, watching his reactions.

"I agree. I'm not ready to say that they should get married but I definitely think we need to meet Emma Nolan."

"What if she won't come."

"We're the king and queen. We can make her."

"I don't want to make her. It's bad enough that we're forcing Killian to do this, to make this sacrifice for his kingdom. I'm not going to force this girl to do it too. But we will tell parliament that we've found a prospect and that we're putting the search on hold. If she's not it it will buy us at least a little time for Killian."

"That, my love, is a splendid idea."

Leaning over she placed a kiss on his lips as she set the letter to the side. Whatever the next step she felt that it was leading to a great adventure for her son.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"I'm sorry. You did what?!"

Mary Margaret Nolan had seen her daughter mad before. Plenty of times. But this was different. She was in complete shock and it was written all over her face.

"It's not a big deal Emma."

"Your wrote to the king and queen of our kingdom and told them that your daughter might be perfect for their son. That kind of sounds like a big deal to me."

"Well it's not like I've heard anything back. I didn't figure it would do any harm to throw your hat in the ring. Besides the prince could do far worse for himself."

"Maybe he could but I'm not interested. But should my king ask me to marry his son I'm not exactly going to have a lot of choice."

"You don't really know that you wouldn't be interested."

"I don't even know what he looks like."

"You've seen him before. He's the prince. It's not like he's been a private citizen."

"I've spent years overseas Mom. You know the Peace Corp? I've not exactly had time to keep up on the life and times of our lovely royals."

She knew what her mother wanted. It wasn't unexpected. Mary Margaret was the epitome of settled. Married at eighteen to her childhood sweet heart, had Emma at twenty four and her brother at twenty eight, and settled into a perfect career as a kindergarten teacher. The white picket fence life was everything she had ever wanted.

She was a strong woman. Emma would never deny that. She was strong in a way that a lot of people didn't recognize as strength. Never hesitating to show emotion, being openly affectionate with the people that meant something to her. Mary Margaret Nolan was not a woman who had walls to scale. Emma understood that sometimes an open heart could lead to open wounds. Her mother believed in hope and love; she was relentless in her optimism.

Her daughter had not inherited that nature. Skeptical by nature, even as a small child, Emma was someone who always felt a little bit like her feet were planted to the ground despite her desire to spread her wings and fly. Practical and pragmatic were just a part of who she was.

"You didn't even look into home?"

"No. I wasn't here. There was no purpose in making myself homesick. I kept up with you and Dad. That was enough. But I know what you're doing right now. You're trying to divert my attention ho[ping that I'll lose track of the point of this conversation."

"Clearly I was hoping you wouldn't notice that."

Despite how upset she was with her mother she couldn't help but chuckle. Sweeping her blonde hair away from her face she threw it back in a messy ponytail before turning away and moving to the window. Pulling back the curtain she saw the swing that she and Leo had swung on as children. She remembered that, even as a small child, she had never felt so free as when she was flying among what seemed like the clouds as her younger brother pushed her.

"Emma the prince hasn't had an easy time of it. He's lost a lot and you are so good with people who are struggling."

"So you want me to marry the guy because you think that I'll be a good counselor?"

"No, I think you should marry the guy because it's an adventure. I mean who gets to be a princess."

"There's an entire kingdom full of women who have probably had dreams about being a princess. That was never me. I want to travel. That's adventure."

"I'm sure that as a princess you'd be able to travel far more than you can as a teacher and a vets daughter."

"So I should trade my freedom for a different sort of freedom?"

"Were you never going to marry Emma?"

"I don't know. I imagine that I might have eventually but I had some crazy notion that if I did ever marry it would be for love."

"I honestly think you're overreacting Emma. I mean I think you're pretty great but we have no reason to believe that just because I believe that that the king and queen will as well."

At that moment the phone rang and Mary Margaret paused before answering.

"Mary Margaret Nolan. How can I help you?"

"Mrs. Nolan this is Queen Louisa. I was calling to inquire as to how to reach your daughter Emma Nolan. We have received your letter and we were very interested in getting to know her further."

"Of course your majesty. As luck would have it my daughter is right here."

Looking at Emma she gestured to the phone, a look of glee dancing across her features. She knew that perhaps she should feel sheepish about essentially selling her daughter out but she didn't. Emma was stubborn and she would dig in her heels just because she knew that Mary Margaret had suggested it.

"Hello your highness."

"Oh please Emma. Louisa is fine."

"I don't think so. You're my queen..."

"And as your queen I am requesting that you call be Louisa. You can be more formal if we're ever in public together."

"Okay Louisa. How can I help you?"

"We received your mothers letter and before we extend an invitation to meet we wanted to see how you felt about the whole situation. A letter from a mother does not necessarily mean agreement from the child. I should know."

The words took Emma by surprise. While it seemed likely that the prince wasn't completely engaged in the engagement process she felt that he at least wanted it. Although given what her mother had just said about him having lost his first wife she could see now why he might also be a reluctant participant in this scenario that seemed reminiscent of a bad Hallmark movie.

"Does the prince not want to marry?"

"To be honest he's thought little of marriage since his first wife passed. They were childhood sweethearts and he never imagined a life without her. He's been in a bit of a daze since her death. He's agreed to remarry because the country mandates that he do so."

Laughter burst out of Emma before she could stop herself. The thought of marrying because an old document said to was ludicrous.

"How does something like that even exist? Seriously. Does the parliament even know what year this is?"

"They do. However there are members of the parliament that are particularly old school and they've refused to alter the law. Or simply do away with it."

"So what do you want with me?"

"I want to meet you dear. While I admit that the wedding process would be quick once a decision is made at least two meetings have to take place before a wedding could."

"I haven't agreed to this."

"Meet with us. It's not a binding agreement. Please Emma. Come have coffee with me and we'll get to know each other."

Somehow, although she was determined not to give in to her mothers ridiculous attempt at matchmaking, she found herself agreeing to meet the queen and an hour later her car was winding along the private street leading to the palace.

The estate was huge, the size of an entire small town, and she was struck by the beauty of it. Magnolia trees were in blossom and the bushes were trimmed to perfection. It didn't really surprise her though. They were royalty. Like they would ever accept anything less than perfection. Which is exactly why there was no harm in going to meet the queen. She would soon realize that Mary Margaret Nolan saw only the best in her daughter but Emma Nolan was far from perfection.

She pulled her car up to the drive and was astounded when her door opened after parking, a valet waiting to take her car. Moments later she stood at the door to the palace, wondering how it was possible that it was even happening. The door opened before she had a chance to knock and suddenly, without so much as a change to catch her breathe, she was standing in front of her queen.

Pictures she had seen when she was younger didn't do the older woman justice. Despite her being older than Emma's own parents she had a sort of regal beauty to her. Her slick black hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and she was dressed in a pair of khakis and a light pink t-shirt. She had never seen the queen look so casual and she had to admit it suited her. Far more than the matronly outfits she tended to wear at public functions.

"Your highness it's a pleasure to meet you."

"You must be Miss Nolan."

"Yes ma'am."

"I do believe that I told you to call me Louisa."

"Yes ma'am...Louisa."

"Please, follow me. I thought we could enjoy out coffee out on the porch and get to know one another."

She followed behind, her eyes taking in the sights of the palace. She had never expected to visit this place and as she didn't believe she'd agree to what the queen may ask of her she didn't think she'd being seeing the place again. Upon reaching the porch she was treated to a glass of wine before the queen sat down across the table from her.

"Emma, tell me about yourself."

"There's not much to tell. I've been in the peace corp until recently. Just trying to make a difference and quench some of this wanderlust."

"Ah, so you like to travel."

"I love to travel. It's the most exhilarating thing I can imagine. Seeing new places and doing new things. Having adventures that I never dared to dream of having. You can see now why my mother was mistaken in thinking that I would be a good match for your son and for the kingdom."

"On the contrary I think your lust for life and all that the world has to offer would make you an amazing queen and more importantly an amazing wife. Assuming you would allow Killian to enjoy all those things that the world has to offer with you."

"Does he like to travel?"

"He rides his motorcycle a lot. He's gone for hours and hours. I really don't have a clue where he goes. He used to love to travel the kingdom but now I think he'd like nothing more than to escape here."

"Why?"

"There's so much of this place that holds painful memories for him. He met his late wife on the grounds and they spent so much of their life here. This is also where he lost her. At times I think being here is what's tying him to tightly to her memory."

"So you're trying to get a wife for a man who's in love with a ghost?"

"I admit that he's still very connected to his first wife's memory but it's because he's not opened himself up to something new."

"You think forcing him into a marriage with someone he doesn't love will open him up?"

"I know it sounds bad Emma but there's really not a way around it. It is law. My husband and I are getting older and Killian is next in line for the throne. In order to keep our family in our position he must marry and eventually produce an heir."

"Is there a time limit on that too?"

"Of course not. If we had our way this law wouldn't exist and he could take all the time he wanted but the law does exist. Honestly I'm not sure that it's such a bad thing. He would wallow in his grief forever if not pushed."

"You have no way of knowing that I would push him."

"I've spent a short time with you, that's true. But I can tell that you're the type of girl who doesn't just sit back and let things happen to her. I think you would be a great wife to my son."

The words brought Emma back to reality. She had been entranced by the queen and honestly without meeting him she was drawn to the prince. His loneliness and his loss called to her in a way that she hadn't expected. Perhaps it was because of her time in the peace corp. It was in her nature to try and make things better. Still the thought of marriage to a complete stranger was out of the question.

"Louisa this has been lovely but I can't marry your son. I've never even met him."

"Well naturally we would remedy that before the wedding. Stay for dinner this evening. Meet my boy and then make your decision."

"I don't know. I came today with the sole purpose of turning down your request. You're my queen and I don't wish to defy the crown but marrying a stranger...that's a lot for the crown to ask."

"Emma, please. I know that this is all a lot to take in but I think it could do a world of good for my son and for you as well. For some reason I can easily see a kinship between the two of you."

Emma wanted to run. Every fiber of her being said to turn and flee yet the sadness in the older woman's eyes stopped her. It may be a misguided attempt to heal her son, or it may be a callous attempt to appease parliament. Either way though the sadness shining back at her could not be faked. For that reason Emma found her feet glued to the ground.

"Fine. But if we don't mesh this is all off the table."

"Agreed."


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

She remembered him. Barely but she did. She remembered seeing his face on the cover of the magazines before she'd left for the peace corp. Remembered photos of him and his now late wife. They were always smiling. Always almost giddy but it never seemed as though they saw the camera. They were too wrapped up in each other. It wasn't fair that he had lost her so young.

She didn't want to care. She didn't want it to affect her but she couldn't help it. She sat near the window, staring out at the intricately designed grounds, wondering if she could ever consider living here. If she could ever consider marrying a man she didn't love. At the sound of someone clearing their throat she turned and it felt as though she was struck. Not by his attractiveness. She knew about that. Instead she was struck by the anger and the pain in his cerulean blue eyes. It was as though if she continued to look at him she would drown in the depths of the grief that filled them. He hated that she was here and for that reason it felt as though he hated her. She couldn't really say that she blamed him much. With some effort she pulled her eyes away, looking down at the ground instead.

"So are you the chosen one?"

"I'm sorry?"

His tone was full of anger that she was unprepared for. It was natural that he wouldn't be thrilled with his parents decision to force his hand in getting married but she had expected nothing but grace from the prince. Everything she had ever seen or heard of him indicated that he was a kind man but this man in front of her looked at her as though she was the enemy.

"My parents have taken to searching for a bride for me to fulfill some antiquated law. So are you the one that they've deemed worthy of my hand? Your plea to be a princess must have been quite compelling."

He rolled his eyes as he looked at her with disdain. In an instant she was on her feet, anger spreading through her veins making it impossible for her to continue sitting.

"Excuse me, your grace, but I'll have you know that I have never and would never make a plea to be a princess. I'm here because my mother sent the letter and my queen requested my presence. She thought you and I would get on nicely but I see that she was quite mistaken. Honestly despite the fact that you're grieving and you're being forced into this I had expected that the prince of our kingdom would be nothing but gracious. You certainly do make a poor representative of the crown. If you would please tell your mother that I was unable to stay for dinner."

Without another word she headed towards the door but stopped when she felt his hand on her arm. Despite herself she felt a spark run up her arm, making her feel uneasy.

"I think taking your hand off me would be a great decision. With all due respect of course your highness."

Removing his hand he stepped back but with another glance in his eyes she could see something new there. Something that made her stay even though his behavior made her want to leave.

"Lass I truly apologize for my rude behavior. I'm not generally one who behaves so poorly. This situation has put me in a foul mood as of late."

"Well I didn't create so perhaps you could not take it out on me."

"Aye. But at least I'm apologizing?"

She couldn't really refute his point. He had seen the error of his ways and he had apologized without having to be asked. Letting her leave would have been a way to get more time before his forced marriage. If he was trying to draw out the process it would have been the way to go. Instead he had attempted to right his wrong.

Before she could say another word though the queen entered the room, moving to Emma's side. Her powers of perception must have been in play as she looked at her son with a raised eyebrow before turning to Emma and pulling her into a brief side hug.

"Emma darling I see you've met my charming son Killian."

"I don't know that I would say her first impression of me was that I was charming Mother."

"Did you behave badly Killian?"

"Aye. Sadly I did not exemplify the manners that you taught me."

Despite the banter between them obviously being for her benefit she couldn't help but be charmed. Her initial opinion of him may be that he was lacking the grace she expected in a prince but with his mother by his side it was hard not to rethink that decision. While they joked back and forth she took the moment to take them it. While he was tall and dark haired like his father she could see traces of his mother in him as well. Their eyes were the same blue and she carried herself with the same ease that she saw in his movements.

"Unfortunately King Brennan was called away on business and won't be able to dine with us tonight. But we'll have a lovely time, just the three of us."

"Thank you for the offer your highness but as I was telling Prince Killian I really need to be going."

Before the queen could speak Killian took a step forward.

"All laughter aside lass I truly do apologize for my bad behavior. You're right when you tell me that it's not your fault for the decisions that have been made regarding my life. I don't have a right to take it out on you. Please stay for dinner. I know that the cook will have prepared something amazing and both my mother and I would love for you to join us."

She wanted to say no. To leave and just chalk this up as an experience yet her feet wouldn't move.

"You do realize what the dinner is about don't you Killian?"

"To see if you'd make a good bride for me."

"Exactly."

The queen took a step forward, taking each of their hands.

"You have it wrong. Both of you."

Killian looked his mother quizzically with Emma wondering what the queen could mean.

"Emma, I don't want this marriage for you if it's only for Killian to find a bride. You are not the lesser of the two parts here. Your mother has trusted that I will look after you in this process and I intend to do just that. This dinner is not to see if you'll make a good bride for Killian, nor is it to see if Killian would make a good groom for you. It's simply a dinner to see how the two of you get along. My son has already gotten that off on a bad foot but I'm hoping that we can remedy that."

There was really nothing more to be said. They all knew that she wasn't going to leave. How could she? Holding a grudge against a grieving man for a few words said in anger seemed to be in poor taste. Besides her queen was making the request.

"Well I guess dinner it is then."

She followed them to a small dining room, far less grand than she expected. The meal went smoothly, with most of the conversation being between Killian and his mother. She wasn't left out but preferred watching their interactions with each other.

Everything about Killian Jones was a contradiction. He was dressed in all black, with skinny jeans, a black leather jacket and black motorcycle boots. Hardly the outfit you'd expect from a prince. Yet he seemed in awe of his mother. When she spoke he was enthralled and Emma found that she too was drawn in by the queen. She had a natural grace to her that lent itself to royalty.

As the meal came to a close Emma stood, carefully wiping any remaining food from her lips. If this were to be the last time she were to meet the royal family she didn't want their last recollection of her to be leftover food on her face.

"Emma dear, why don't you and Killian take a walk around the gardens? They're lovely this time of year."

"I don't think so your majesty. I think it best that I head home."

As she picked up her purse she cast a look at Killian, only to see him looking at her as well.

"A walk does sound nice Emma. Besides it would be nice to get to know you a bit better."

She nodded, setting her purse down.

"Alright then. A walk it is."

The queen excused herself as they headed towards the door. As they made their way to the gardens the silence between them was awkward. It was heavy and uncomfortable. No words seemed to come easily or naturally.

"So is this as awkward for you as it is for me Miss Swan?"

"You know my last name huh?"

"My mother had mentioned that she had a potential bride coming by the house tonight. Although she didn't phrase it exactly that way."

"What way did she phrase it exactly?"

"That she had someone coming to meet me tonight to see how we'd get along."

"How do you feel about all this Killian? I mean I gathered earlier that you're not exactly thrilled about it but for the sake of conversation..."

He chuckled a bit, careful to keep his eyes on the ground. His hands had found a home in his pocket and he rocked a bit on his heels as he tried to come up with a response to her question.

"It's not a life shattering question. It doesn't have to be a profound answer."

"It's not that I'm looking for a profound response lass. It's that I'm trying to determine if I even truly know what I feel."

"I got a pretty good view of it earlier."

"I understand that your first impression of me wasn't exactly stellar but won't you let me past it? I have apologized multiple times yet it keeps coming back to that. I fully understand that this is difficult for you butt at the very least you have the option of leaving. I have no choice in this matter. Forgive me if it got to be a bit overwhelming for a moment and I took leave of my manners. Generally I am always a gentleman."

"You're right. This time it's me that's sorry."

"'Tis fine. In answer to your question I suppose I'm somewhat apathetic to the idea. As much as I dislike the fact that I'm being forced into a marriage it is what it is and I'm unable to change it. Sometimes the frustration gets to me, as you saw earlier, but for the most part I'm just going through the motions. What about you lass? How do you feel about it all?"

"It's not real to me. I didn't come here with any intention of doing this. Which is ridiculous because no one has really asked about marriage. I didn't answer the letter and I told my mother that I was firmly not at all interested. However my queen asked me to come and I came. She, and you, asked me to stay so I did. This rule, this law, doesn't really effect me at all."

"And if it did? Would you be open to that?"

"You sound like you're open to the idea of marrying me."

"You're a good woman as far as I can tell. From the little I've cared to hear about the process from my mother there's not been an abundance of them. Most of the women have either been seeking the princess title or seeking to be a do-gooder with little interest in me."

"So you think I've shown interest in you?"

"You at least valued how I felt about the process. My mother has stated that most have barely even mentioned me. You seem kind and I imagine I could do worse than kind. I don't want this process to drag on. I'd like to get it over with."

"Just what every girl wants to hear about a potential marriage. What if I wanted love in my life? You think that I want to chain myself to a prince just for the sake of being married to a prince? We know what you get out of this relationship but what about me? What would I get?"

"That I can't tell you. It's something you would have to decide. I can't make you promises Emma."

"You said my name and not lass."

"It's important. I don't want it to seem as though I'm not being serious when I say this. I see potential for friendship with you. Honestly it's more than I expected when my parents started this process. What they proposed was a life sentence, and it did feel that way. They could keep looking and I would be okay with that because I would never want you to settle for something you didn't want. But I think we could be good friends. I can't make you promises about the future though. I loved my Milah. Loved her since we were children and I don't know how to love anyone else. I don't want to lie to you."

"Thank you for that."

Words didn't come easily after what he said as she knew that he had just laid the decision at her feet. Walking onto the property tonight it had never occurred to her that she may walk out essentially engaged. She was simply responding to the request of her queen.

"I need a few minutes alone Killian. To think. I'm just going to walk for a few minutes and I'll meet you back here."

Without waiting for his response she picked up her pace, wanting to run from him. The grounds were lovely but she didn't really see them now. Everything had gone from color to black and white.

Killian tugged at her heartstrings in a way that she hadn't expected him to. The expectation was that he was going to be a jerk, a perception that wasn't really done away with at their initial meeting. However he had been contrite all evening and he had more than made up for it. It made sense really. This was definitely not his choice. While she had one, he didn't.

Sitting down at the edge of a nearby rippling creek she kicked her shoes off, dipping her toes in the water. Stretching backwards she allowed the sun to hit her face. The peaceful moment was one that she desperately needed in the midst of having to make this difficult decision. Killian had all but proposed to her but it wasn't the proposal she had dreamt of. Still she had never been one to dream of marriage or a proposal. She had always dreamt more of travel and freedom. This marriage could offer her that. The ability to see as much of the world as she wanted. He had means she could never hope to have. Their role as royals would allow her to continue to do the good that she had done while serving in the peace corp. In an instant her decision snapped into place. Looking over the landscape, taking in the water at her feet and the rolling hills that made up the property it occurred to her that this was going to be her new home, her new life.

Getting to her feet she walked back to where she remembered leaving Killian, finding him laying back on the grass, shoes off, and eyes closed. He looked like a little boy taking a moment to rest while playing outside. Once again she felt a pull towards him that she had never expected to feel.

"Killian?"

He moved, sitting up to focus his eyes on her.

"Aye lass. Have you come to a decision?"

"I have. But I have stipulations."

"What business arrangement doesn't have stipulations?"

"That's the first stipulation. I understand that you're not over your first wife and I won't push you. But I won't be with a man who doesn't care for me. I understand that the purpose of this law is to establish an heir."

"I've told you Emma that I won't make you promises that I can't keep."

"I'm not asking for promises here. I'm just asking that you not intentionally push me away. Get to know me and I'll get to know you. I won't push you away. I believe that something good can come of this marriage, in time."

"I can't promise..."

"I understand that. But I'm not going to enter into a marriage where I'm being told that I'm giving up any chance of love in my life. I will do my royal duty as princess, crazy as that sounds. But I won't share a room with you and I won't pretend to love you. We're strangers and we're just going to have to do this whole marriage thing backwards if that's what you're wanting to do. So I need you to commit to at least being open to it becoming a real marriage at some point. Can you do that?"

For a moment it seemed like he was going to bolt but he straightened his back before fixing his eyes on her.

"Aye lass. I can do that. Or at the very least I can try to do that. Any more stipulations?"

"Travel with me. Your parents are in good health and there's lots of places to see and things to do for a young royal couple. I like to travel and I get the feeling that you're not particularly attached to Misthaven at the moment. We can travel, do charity work, make a real difference in the world."

"You're demanding I travel with you?"

"That's really more of a request. I've done a lot of traveling but after a while it gets hard always doing it alone. I figured we could kill two birds with one stone. My wanting someone to travel with me and you're wanting to get away from the rules of the kingdom."

"Any other requests?"

"Those are it. Try and travel."

"In that case lass I think we have ourselves an engagement."

It was a handshake and a smile that sealed the deal between them. However, as their hands connected neither of them were able to deny the jolt of electricity that seemed to surge between them.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

 _Dear Killian,_

 _We don't know each other very well. It seems crazy to me that by the end of the day you're going to be my husband. There's so much I don't know about you._

 _I don't know your middle name or even what kind of music you like. But I suppose all that will come in time. Just know that I'll never push._

 _This journey we're on it ours and from everything I understand it's meant to last a lifetime. I take that to mean that there's no rush to get to know each other. I can't even begin to imagine the loss you've experienced._

 _Please know that I will never try to take the place of your love. Whatever life we have will be ours and it will come with time._

 _With Kindest Regards,_

 _Emma_

He read the letter for the fifth time. With only one meeting between them he was astonished by the level of perception she had regarding him. The nerves when he woke that morning had been almost more than he could handle. He very nearly said damn the kingdom and took off on his bike. The only thing that stopped him was knowing that it would break his parents heart.

Getting dressed in the small room in the castle was nearly mechanical. Putting his shoes on, buttoning his shirt, tying his tie. They were all done with very nearly no consciousness on his part. The letter had been delivered an hour before the ceremony was to take place by one of the staff, who barely concealed her interest in what was included in the note she passed to him. After excusing her from the room he turned the paper over and over in his hand, trying to get up the nerve to read it. After just a few moments he opened it, glancing at the elegant script perfectly lined up on the page. The words were like a balm to his soul. For some reason he had thought that she would go back on their agreement. The promise she had pulled from him, that he would try to feel something for her, had been like a weight on his chest. She was a nice woman, lovely even. If there had been no Milah perhaps he could have loved her but that time in his life was done now. He had had great love and no law was going to help him find it a second time. It felt a dishonor to her memory to be remarrying and he felt no small amount of guilt about it.

"Prince Killian, there's ten minutes to the ceremony. You're expected in the observatory."

"Thank you. I'll be along momentarily."

Turning to the mirror he took in his appearance. His parents had insisted on at least a suit, a slightly traditional wedding. Other than his appearance though he had no idea what to expect from the day. Emma didn't strike him as the type to stage an opulent wedding, especially when the wedding was essentially a sham. Still perhaps she had behaved in such a way to get him to marry her. It would be a clever ruse and she seemed like a clever woman.

Attempting to pull his thoughts from the dark place they were starting to turn to he glanced at his reflection again. His black jeans and motorcycle jacket had been replaced with a black suit, and a thin black tie. His earrings were still in. That was something that he had been unwilling to give up. There was no erasing who he had become over the last several years. He wouldn't allow it. Moving to the door he stopped, taking a deep breath. He wasn't ready to do this. He never would be. But apparently the crown didn't care what he was ready for.

* * *

The dress was used. She bought it at a second hand bridal gown store but it was beautiful. It was a vintage 1920's style with capped sleeves and gold beading and it made her feel elegant. The reason for her marriage perhaps was not everything she had hoped for but she was determined to have this. To have at least a semblance of what she was being asked to sacrifice.

She still had no idea why she had agreed to this. She understood him in a way. Caving to family pressures wasn't exactly a foreign concept to her. It did truly seem as though they were imperfectly perfect for each other. Still somehow inside she felt as though she were giving in. As though in agreeing to marry the prince she had sold her soul. There was going to be no pressure from him. If anything she was going to tire of him feigning interest in the slightest interaction with her. It was clear from the way he spoke that he was not going to be attempting to build any kind of relationship.

Losing love was hard. The last relationship she had had ended badly, resulting in her feeling that she was better off free and seeing the world. Her parents had never even learned of that relationship. No need to make them worry when there was nothing that they could do to ease the sting of rejection she felt when Neal left. He had gone off to the peace corp with her, someone that she thought was a friend. At least she assumed that they were friends since they had known each other since childhood. While at their first location, their friendship had changed into more. They spent their days working side by side and their nights tangled up with each other. More than once she had considered abandoning the Peace Corp to set up house with him and start a family. Something she was excited to do when she learned that she was pregnant. That is until she came to his room one night, to tell him about the baby, and found him in bed with another of the Peace Corp volunteers. Learning that he and Tamara had been sleeping together for the duration of their relationship because he was "just having fun" and didn't think she'd get to serious sent her reeling. Enough so that she found herself cramping, resulting in the loss of their baby. What followed was a horrifyingly confusing mash up of intense loss and extreme relief. She was young. A baby hadn't been in the plans and doing it as a single mother was not something she thought that she could do. However the loss of that little life growing inside of her made her feel as though something had broken. It was then that she decided to keep running. To keep moving. To not allow herself to feel something like that again. It hadn't been until she'd started discussing marrying the prince that she realized that it was still something she thought she might want, one day in the future. Now here she was getting ready to sign it all away for a reason that she still didn't understand for sure.

Shaking her head she looked back at the mirror, determined that the past would not visit her on this day. It may not have been the day every little girl dreamt about but it was her day. Just as she took a final glance in the mirror she heard a knock on the door, indicating that it was time for her to make her way to finalize the biggest decision of her life. Smoothing her dress she sighed. Whoever heard of trading one's freedom for freedom.

The ceremony was small, although there was some press. Sydney Glass, the gossip columnist at the Misthaven Mirror, stood in the back of the room with his ever present camera ready to catch that dollar grabbing shot. Emma had expected that there would be press there and she had been thoroughly briefed on what was expected of her.

Looking towards the front of the observatory she saw the prince, handsome in his black suit. However she also saw that he did everything he could not to look at her while continually running his fingers over the spot on his left had where his wedding band had been the last time she saw him. She saw the way he moved from foot to foot, hardly able to stand still. The feeling was not unfamiliar to her. She felt the same tingling in her feet, urging her to make a dash for the nearest exit. It was honestly only the weight of knowing the shame she would bring on her parents and her king and queen that kept her moving forward, one step at a time towards Killian.

Approaching him at the altar she didn't reach for him and he didn't reach for her. His eyes caught hers for just a brief moment and she didn't miss the trepidation that was dancing just below the surface. For all their differences they were very much the same in this regard. They were entering the same prison and their kingdom was their warden. Finally looking up he glanced at the minister and nodded his go ahead to begin the ceremony.

"Dearly beloved. We're here to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony. Before we continue does anyone have any reason why this couple should not be wed?"

For a moment she thought he might speak. Heaven knows she wanted to. The restraint it took to keep her hand from lifting to show her objection and to keep her feet from running was more than she knew she had. It had been terrifying to leave her parents to go into the peace corp but she ran towards that with arms open. This was a different story entirely. He was a stranger and she was going to have to move to a place with people that she didn't know and an entirely new way of life. More than that though she was going to have a husband who didn't care for her at all, a husband that she didn't care for.

She had hoped that they might be friends but she had learned over the last few years that those words "I had hoped" had hurt her more than just about anything else. If she was honest that was probably the reason that she made the choice to go ahead and marry the prince. To rid herself once and for all of that pesky hope that so frequently left her alone and heartbroken. If she knew that all consuming love was not a possibility perhaps the lack of it wouldn't hurt so bad. While she had promised that she wouldn't push away from the prince she found that she was struggling with the notion of trying to forge a connection with him knowing that he desperately didn't want one with her. She had told him that she didn't want to live a life knowing that love was never an option but she knew that part of her wanted the opposite. Part of her, the part that had always preferred to deal in her self preservation, wanted keep her heart out of it. Hence her standing at the altar with a man who had all but promised that he would never love her. No one spoke in objection to their union so the minister pressed on.

"Please take each others hand."

For the first time since she entered the room they touched, his hands gently holding hers. To others it may seem like he's being delicate with her but she knows it's because he doesn't want to be holding her hands.

"Emma, if you would repeat after me. I, Emma, take this man to be my husband. I promise to stand beside him and protect him in the face of whatever may come. I vow to care for him in sickness and in health until such a time that death parts us."

She feels him flinch and unable to stop herself she squeezes his hand in a gesture meant to express comfort. These were vows he'd made to another and death had parted them. To be taking the vows again, this time out of duty and not love, was his cruel destiny. She couldn't help but sympathize with him. It was only after she'd made the gesture of comfort that she realized that he might not welcome it. He had agreed to be open, to friendship at least, but his demeanor hadn't really led her to believe that promise was on the forefront of his mind today.

She followed the ministers instructions and repeated the vows back to him but her mind was whirring over the possibility that she had perhaps already made a misstep with her soon to be husband.

"Killian, if you would repeat after me. I, Killian, take this woman to be my wife. I promise to stand beside her and protect her in the fact of whatever may come. I vow to care for her in sickness and in health until such a time that death parts us."

He attempts to look up. She sees him try but she's grateful when he looks back down as the pain in his eyes at this moment is nearly impossible to look at it. He can barely get his voice to stay steady to speak and he grasps her hand a little harder. It occurs to her after a moment what he's doing. Looking up she sees him looking at her, the pain mingling with a pleading expression. Repeating her gesture from earlier she squeezes his hand and nods just a little, only enough for him to see. At her gentle urging he's able to push the words out although they get a little choked as he speaks of caring in sickness and health until death. Those words must be heavy in his mouth.

"Emma, do you take this man to be your husband?"

"I do."

"Killian, do you take this woman to be your wife?"

He nodded and then remembered that words were necessary.

"I do."

Taking one hand he reached up behind his ear, scratching just a bit. His eyes had gone back to the ground but she noticed that he had not loosened his grip on her hand.

"Then by the power invested in me by this sovereign kingdom I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

They had been dreading this moment all day, both of them. While neither found the other unattractive it was the simple notion that they would in essence be kissing a stranger. Still it was expected.

Leaning in he barely brushed her lips with his, holding for just a moment before pulling back. It was not an intimate kiss and in the depths of her soul it left her feeling lonely. Romance wasn't expected but she longed for more than this. She longed for more than a forced kiss from a man that didn't care. What she expected she wasn't sure since he had never promised her more than a forced I'll try but their conversation had left her feeling as though there was some kind of connection. Some kind of foundation to build upon. From the moment she entered the observatory though she had felt that he had thrown up an impenetrable wall and she was trapped on the outside of it. Without meaning to she had also allowed her walls to grow, steeling herself against any perceived kind of rejection. Knowing that she wanted to preserve herself from the pain of hoping against didn't stop it from happening over and over again.

She felt him take her hand, all but pulling her along side him as they left the crowd in their wake. It was outside of the room that he stopped for just a moment and looked out the window, sadness flashing over his features before he turned towards her.

"Did you plan a reception?"

"No. It felt false. The photographers have gotten their shots and anyone that actually knows us knows what this is. I didn't see a reason to pretend it was anything else."

He nodded before taking a step away from her, clearly heading to make his departure.

"Too right."

"I did plan a honeymoon of sorts. Obviously not in the traditional sense but I've been feeling a little stifled here since all this started and I need to get away."

"Did you clear it with your assistant? You're a new princess. You will have demands on your time."

"Your mother spoke with me. She gave us two weeks before I come back and assume the role of princess. We've also discussed how frequently I'll be able to travel."

"Am I to be expected to travel with you at all times?"

Exhaustion swept over her at his response. It was bad enough being in this situation but to constantly feel the weight of his frustration at being forced to fulfill this law was more than she was certain she could take.

"Good day Prince Killian. I think I'll retire now."

Walking away in her beautiful wedding dress the thought refused to go away that she had just made the worst mistake of her life. That she was living in shackles and she had put them on herself.

* * *

Sitting alone in his room Killian thought over the day. Every moment he had felt as though he was trudging through quicksand, unable to gain any bearing. His parents were far more excited than they ought to be given that he was being forced into this marriage with a virtual stranger. Still his mother fussed over his clothes and his father gave him advice as though this were a marriage stemming from love.

He sat down on the bed, removing his jacket and loosening his tie that threatened to strangle him. Leaning backwards with his hands clasped behind his head he stared up at the ceiling remembering his wedding to Milah. She had been a stunning vision in white, taking his breathe the moment that she entered the sanctuary at the church that they attended every Sunday. That wedding meant something and today he felt as though he had made a mockery of it. Just as he was about to further explore that day in the past a knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts.

"Aye, the doors open."

The door opened and his father walked in, jacket off and shirt sleeves up.

"Hello son. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing just fantastic if you ignore the marrying a stranger part."

"I'm sorry that you had to do this. She's lovely though."

"I suppose she is."

"I'm not talking about her physically. Get to know her son."

"I don't want to Father. I've made that very clear. You and mother forced me into this marriage for the good of the kingdom and I've done your bidding. Both myself and a girl who didn't deserve to be trapped in a loveless marriage have no option but to live with the choice our parents have made."

"No one forced Emma to marry you."

"Aye, this is true."

"Won't you try son? It can't be harder than living alone and lonely. Milah wouldn't want that for you."

Anger flared in his son's eyes and Brennan Jones knew not to push much farther. As it was he was certain that his son would find solace with his bike and the open road tonight.

"Please don't presume to tell me what Milah would have wanted. You can't know. I can't know."

"But you do know. She asked you to move on. To not live like this."

"That was the request of a woman who knew that she wouldn't be here with me. It was an altruistic move but I cannot do it. No matter what promises I made to her. She is still too present. She's everywhere. How do I move on when everything reminds me of her?"

"Emma has mentioned that she wishes to travel. Maybe that would be good. Get away from the kingdom."

"We have responsibilities here father."

"Come on Killian. You have barely been present at most meetings for years. Go on a trip. Come back for a couple of weeks to make a few appearances with your new bride and we'll clear a schedule for the two of you. Perhaps set up a few appointments in other regions so that you can do business abroad. If nothing else the Prince and Princess of Misthaven taking an extended honeymoon, as it were, couldn't be bad for the royal image."

"So you want me to go put on a show?"

"No, Killian. Of course not. Just go live your life and don't worry about the kingdom. And may I give you a piece of advice son?"

"Why not? You're going to give it to me no matter what I say."

He cringed inwardly at the way he was talking to his father but the anger was boiling just underneath his skin. The words laced with acid slipped out before he could stop them.

"I'm sorry Dad. I'm just angry and I don't know how to handle it."

"You've been angry for years son and I get it. But you're not honoring Milah by shutting life out. Emma isn't her. She never will be. To get to know Emma, to possibly get to care for her, isn't dishonoring Milah. Don't let all this cloud you to the fact that Emma is a person. You feel trapped but you're at least trapped in a life you know. For some reason that perhaps someday she'll share with you she made the choice to take this life. Your mother has been adamant that she had no interest in becoming princess which means that whatever her reason for agreeing to this marriage you're a part of it. Don't take that for granted. She sacrificed to be there for you and I watched her today when you were struggling with your vows. She felt for you."

"She was doing her best to comfort me. I know that."

"It's an offer of friendship Killian and perhaps in time that could lead to more. Don't force yourself to feel anything. You couldn't if you tried. But don't shut her out."

He stood, smoothing out his slacks as he looked down at his hands. Moving to the door he paused with his hand on the door knob.

"I wish that this law didn't exist Killian but if anyone can make the best of it you can. I've never known my son to not be able to do anything."

After his father left Killian reached into his bedside table where the letter from Emma was put after the ceremony. Skimming over it he found himself moved all over again. Before he could stop himself he reached into the bedside table again, pulling out a notepad and a pen to reply back to his wife.

* * *

The room was lonely but then the whole day had been. Her parents had been there but other than that she hadn't invited anyone. Why would she? The wedding may be forever but it certainly didn't seem like something to celebrate. After the wedding she had found herself wandering in the gardens, making sure that no press was present to see the new princess walking the grounds by herself. While she was sure that they were aware that the new prince's marriage wasn't a love match she didn't know exactly what they wanted to say in terms of the quick pace of their courtship. Now entering her room, which was connected to Killian's by a shared bathroom, his response to the question she had asked in the hallway made her question every single second of the day.

"Am I expected to travel with you at all times?"

He couldn't have hurt her more, considering how little she knew him. All she wanted was a friend and she had hoped that he could be that. It may not be perfect but it would be theirs. Instead she was left feeling as though she were an obligation, one that he didn't really care to bother with.

Slipping out of her wedding dress she hung it neatly on the hanger secretly feeling bad that the dress had not been used to make some girl feel like she was the most beautiful woman in the world on one of the happiest days of her life. For all Killian had noticed she could have worn a potato sack. She slid into an over-sized t-shirt and pulling back the sheet she noticed an envelope on her pillow. Picking it up she saw her name written in an elegant script on the front. Taking it out she read over it.

 _Emma,_

 _Perhaps I should have smiled at you more today. It occurs to me now that the day is done that I was so concerned with my own pain that I barely took note of yours. I was cold to you and yet you offered me comfort. You were a buoy when I felt that I might drown and I truly can't thank you enough._

 _Should I forget to tell you at another time, or worse yet indicate otherwise, I am grateful that it was your letter that my parents chose. Or should I say your mothers letter. Either way I truly feel that our parents were wise in their choices and it led me to get to know you._

 _I do find myself looking forward to our trip tomorrow. Your letter this morning was a beacon for me and I know that despite not having a lot of choices regarding getting remarried you were the best choice I could have made. I sincerely apologize that I behaved so poorly today._

 _And Emma, I am looking forward to traveling with you. I've spoken with my father and he has agreed to give us a leave from our duties to extend our travels._

 _Your Husband,_

 _Killian._

The words on the page startled her, leaving her feeling as though the Earth had tilted off its access. It wasn't a declaration of love. She wouldn't want it to be. But it was something more than staring at her coldly as though she weren't there. That had to be a start.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

The grating noise coming from her bed-stand pulled her from her sleep. Never a morning person she struggled not to pull the blankets back up over her head to block out the new reality that she was about to face. Up first on her list of activities before she and her "husband" took off on their honeymoon was a briefing on what comes next with the King and Queen. She would also be meeting her adviser, Ruby Wolfstein. Rumor had it that while in the presence of royalty she was very prim and proper the moment she stepped out of the castle walls she had a wild side a mile long. Emma was strongly looking forward to getting to know here. A knock on the door reminded her again that she was now required to get up.

"Your highness?"

"I think Emma will do."

"I thank you for that your highness but propriety dictates that I must address you by your title. My job is dependent on it."

The thought had never occurred to her and she was grateful that the voice on the other side of the door had told her instead of just getting upset at her lack of knowledge.

"Come in then."

The door opened and a tall woman in a black pencil skirt, blood red shoes, and a black and white blazer entered the room.

"I take it you're Miss Wolfstein then."

"That's correct your highness. You're expected in the right wing dining room in forty five minutes. What would you like to wear today? I'll have one of the maids set it out for you."

"I think that I can get out my own clothes. Or is that some kind of life changing rule as well. That the princess must be waited on hand and foot?"

She didn't meant to be irritable. It certainly wasn't Ruby's fault that already life as a princess was already a bit stifling.

"No rules your highness. I just thought you might enjoy a more leisurely pace this morning. You leave for your honeymoon tomorrow and I'm sure that will be tiring."

Emma had to stop herself from muttering under her breath. The staff was aware of some of the more unique aspects of her relationship with the prince but she was certain that some of the female staff had the notion that this was just a whirlwind romance. Ruby was apparently one of those that had that mindset.

"If you don't mind Miss Wolfstein I'd like to just go ahead and get dressed. Was there more you required of me?"

"I just need to go over your itinerary for the day."

"Go ahead then."

"Well as you're aware first you have the meeting with the king and queen. You'll have about two hours of downtime before you're expected for a small press conference in the gardens. There's only a few outlets that will be present but you should expect to field some questions regarding your marriage."

"What can't they know? The king and queen issued a letter. My mother responded. Before I knew it I was engaged."

"Despite it seeming to be cut and dry the kingdom is taken with you and quite invested in seeing their prince happy. They want to know about you."

This was the part that Emma had been dreading. She had no desire to open a vein as princess. She wanted to do a good job, that was a given. There were things she could do to make a difference but the constant prying into her personal life was going to take some getting used to.

"And after the press conference."

"The king and queen have asked that for a period of time you and Prince Killian have time scheduled with each other each day."

"Excuse me?"

"The fear is, your highness, that the issues that you've dealt with leading up to this marriage will lead you to go on about your individual lives. In an attempt to prevent that the king and queen have asked that for a time there is a period each day in your schedule for you and the prince to spend together."

"I was a little concerned about what I would talk about at breakfast but I guess I know now. Was there anything else?"

"Nothing else ma'am."

"Then you're dismissed."

Ruby turned and left the room, Emma staying behind in silence. Rage boiled inside of her as she thought of her in-laws all but forcing her relationship with Killian. Did they think they hadn't talked? That they hadn't discussed their relationship in depth? How dare they interfere.

It was then the thought that she shouldn't be surprised hit her. They were the ones that arranged their marriage. They were the ones who put everything into motion. Every step of the way they had been the ones calling the shots, along with her parents. Her and Killian were just along for the ride.

Quickly reaching into the dresser that all of her things had been placed inside she found a pair of tight skinny jeans and a white tank-top. Without even stopping to grab her shoes she made her way to the door that adjoined her room to Killian's. She knocked and it was moments before he opened the door wearing only a pair of black basketball shorts. He had always been attractive but the sight of his body, without layers of clothes covering it, took her breathe away causing her to take a step back.

"Can I help you love? We have breakfast with my parents in just over half an hour. Perhaps it could wait?"

"I don't think so."

She pushed her way past him, into his room.

"Do you know what your parents have done?"

"My parents?"

"Yes. Your parents. You know the king and queen. The ones I can't say no to?"

"More than the king and queen they are your family Emma. Don't hesitate to treat them as such. You're not an employee. However I am curious what horrific act they've committed that has you barging into my room."

While he kept a straight face she could see just a bit of laughter dancing in the blue depths.

"They have scheduled time for us."

"Okay."

"They're trying to force us to spend time together Killian."

"My assistant, Robin, filled me in this morning before my run. They've only scheduled about two hours a day. I hardly think it will be that bad."

"How bad it will or will not be is not the point. I want you to get to know me because you want to get to know me, not because you're being forced."

"Do you think my parents didn't consult me?"

"Oh so it's just me that wasn't consulted."

"I wasn't under the impression that you would be opposed to it. You're the one who asked me to try. I was afraid that if given the opportunity I would retreat into myself. I spoke with my father about this concern and he and my mother came up with this solution. I've always been good about keeping my commitments."

She sat at the edge of the bed staring at the hardwood floor. Anywhere but at him. Here she was throwing a fit and it seems that it had all been an effort on his part to please her.

"Why do you care if you actually try? Your family has gotten what they wanted haven't they? I married you."

He stepped backwards, momentarily taken aback by what appeared to be anger in her tone. Looking up into her eyes she saw the mirth that had been there just moments before shift to anger, a darkness filling them that she hadn't seen since they first met.

"Were you forced to marry me?"

"Not in so many words."

"Not at all. You were given ample opportunity by myself, as well as my parents, to decline this offer. You opted not to. So please, if you don't mind, stop acting as though this is an arrangement that you were not privy to."

No one had spoken to her like that in years. Part of her was angry but a larger part was impressed by his willingness to stand up to her.

"Well your highness we should probably get to breakfast with your parents."

"Not with the attitude you're sporting this morning your highness."

"Excuse me?"

"I think I was very clear. While I may have issues with our marriage being forced by our kingdom my parents have been very accommodating. They've been good to me and they've been good to you. I'll not have you ambushing them in their own home, over breakfast no less, with whatever chip you woke with this morning on your shoulder."

"Who do you think you are to tell me what I can and can't do?"

"I'm your prince and your husband. More than that I am their son and as much as I would like to get to know you, and I actually would usually, I will not have you mistreating them."

"Who said I was going to mistreat them?"

"You've not been particularly gracious regarding royalty this morning love. You huffed in here all upset by our forced time together and then you were upset about your forced marriage. Perhaps instead of stewing in your own juices you'd care to tell me what it is that has you so upset this morning."

She considered not telling him. Just staying quiet and being angry. However she knew that he was right. She wasn't being fair. In fact she was being down right childish. Taking a deep sigh she tilted her head to the side, biting her lip.

"Killian, it's just all really new and really difficult for me."

"What is?"

"This having everything planned out and rules for everything. I asked Ruby to call me Emma this morning and she said she can't. I mean I can't even allow the people that I'm supposed to trust to call me by my first name?"

"She's not a friend love. She's an employee."

"She can't be both?"

"Aye. She can. But when she's at work she has to remember which one is of the utmost important. A friend may let you have your way when an employee needs to stand their ground. I see no reason why after hours you can't cultivate a friendship with her but when she's here, or with us elsewhere while on the job, she has to be employee first and friend second."

"Is that how it's always going to be? Rules and regulation, emotions shut off?"

"I suppose to some extent that will be there. However while you and I are gone on our honeymoon we will get to be as relaxed as we like."

"Great. Relaxed with a stranger who has to schedule time with me because he's afraid otherwise it will be too difficult to force himself."

"I see you're sent on twisting everything today."

"Sorry. How am I twisting what you told me?"

"I want to spend time with you lass. But I've been grieving for a long time. I'm just afraid that it will rear its head and try to get me to run. This way it's scheduled and my innate need to follow a schedule will keep that in check. Why is me doing what I need to do to give you what you requested such a problem for you?"

There was really no response that she could give him. If she was being honest with herself she didn't know why she was making such a big deal out of the issue. He had explained it clearly and instead of being grateful he was trying to make an effort she was harping on him about how he chose to make that attempt.

"Killian, I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me this morning. I'm apparently itching for a fight."

"Well we can at least be grateful that you chose to pick that fight with me and not my parents."

"You're very protective of them. Your parents that is."

"Of course. Aren't you protective of your parents?"

"Not particularly."

"May I ask why not?"

"I love my parents. Please don't get me wrong. But somehow I find that with them I always feel as though I'm found lacking in some way. My mother has always been a very proper woman, always wanting to follow proper protocol regarding being a young lady. While she wanted me to be more interested in getting married and starting a family I was interested in traveling, making a difference in the world."

"And that didn't make her happy?"

"It's not that she was displeased. It's just she always hoped that while I was out doing those things I would find love, come home, and settle down. Her version of happiness has always been marriage and that has not been my definition. Because my father loves her so completely he is always firmly on her side. It would be nice for someone to have my back once in a while."

He smiled, knowing all too well what she was talking about. His mother was frequently the one that was more focused on doing the proper thing and like her father his father was completely devoted to making her happy.

"Aye, it's always nice to have someone looking out for you. If it is alright with you lass I'd like to assure you that you will have that with me. Someone on your side, prepared to defend you always."

"It seems from our experiences today that you're not opposed to taking your parents side against me."

"Loyalty needn't be blind lass. I can have your back and still acknowledge when you're wrong. I'll be your champion but neither of us need me to be your lap dog. Judging from this morning you're a woman who doesn't mind a bit of a row if it's for a good reason."

He paused, gauging her response to his good-natured teasing. When she didn't laugh or smile immediately his body tensed, waiting for her next tirade. They had traded barbs more in their one day of marriage than he and Milah had in the first month. They had barely ever fought, content to be with each other. He missed the easy camaraderie he had with her and now, with his new wife battling him at what seemed to be every turn, was afraid that he would never have it again. While it seemed like hours before she reacted to his gentle joke it was mere moments before a grin spread across her face.

"Or for no good reason right? Come on, you can tell me. That's what you're thinking."

"I wouldn't dream of it. I've seen your temper. I think it best that I try to stay on your good side."

The words were said with an easy smile on his face and he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. She could be a friend. They could do this.

"Shall we join my parents. Perhaps a bit of a bite to eat will ease your mood."

As she stood he bowed, jokingly, as he extended his arm for her to pass. Walking by her side to the dining room he felt as though maybe it wouldn't be hard to spend time with her after all. Hardly a chore.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Standing at a podium in the royal gardens later that afternoon Emma rethought, not for the first time, her decision to become princess. This time not because of Killian or life as a royal. The reason for her second guessing now was a result of the press, seated in rows of chairs directly in front of them. Her thoughts had been so focused on gaining her freedom that it barely occurred to her that the reality was now she was a princess. She felt frozen, as though at any moment the press was going to clue into how ill prepared she was. Without thinking she leaned towards Killian, whispering in his ear.

"I don't know how to do this. They're expecting a princess and that is so not me."

Covering the microphone placed on the table in front of her he leaned over to her, keeping his voice low.

"You can do this lass. You've not had training to be a princess yet but I've yet to see you fail at anything you put your mind to."

"I put my mind to not marrying you when I came to meet your mother and a short time later look where I am."

The words may have stung if he didn't see the glint of mirth in her eye. It pleased her to see some improvement in just a day.

"Touché princess."

Their attention moved back to the press in front of them, all waiting to begin their questioning. With a nod from a member of parliament Prince Killian signaled to the press he was ready to field questions. Pointing a finger at a young woman who looked as though she may take it easy on them he waited for her question.

"Prince Killian, a short time ago a letter was released from your parents putting out a request for eligible women to marry you. Now here we sit with a new princess at your side. Can you tell us why the rush to marry?

"It was not something that we had planned on releasing publicly but there was a law on record stating that I needed to wed by my twenty eighth birthday. Marrying again was not on my radar but it appears that my kingdom required something different of me."

The words hurt, even though she knew it to be the truth. The constant reminder that this marriage was not because of any warm feelings on either of their parts toward the other was hard to bear. The next reporter looked at her and she knew that her time of being just another face was gone.

"We understand why Prince Killian agreed to this marriage now. What about you? Why did you do it?"

The question wasn't unexpected but how do you tell a reporter for a kingdom that you became their leader so that you could leave more often.

"I never expected for it to happen."

"Well that can hardly be true. You must have applied for the position like others in the kingdom. Was it the role of princess or the prince himself that caught your fancy Emma?"

Before the reporter could say another word Killian's hand rose, effectively silencing the reporter.

"Princess Emma. Regardless of the unorthodox origin of our marriage she is your princess and you will address her as such. In that same vein you will ask questions that are not beneath the dignity of her position. If you wouldn't ask me a question it is advised that you not ask my wife."

The reporter shrunk back, taken a bit aback by the abrasiveness of the prince. The man he used to be, when Princess Milah was alive, was shy and reserved. A far cry from the aggressive man in front of her.

"Do you have another question for the princess or shall we move on to the next person?"

"I'd like to ask another question. Well the same question but perhaps with a less accusatory edge. I do apologize your highness's. Causing offense was never my intention."

"I understand. Please, your question."

Looking back at Emma the reporter spoke again.

"Princess Emma what was it that led to you agreeing to this marriage that is not by any standards typical?

"It's hard to say. My intentions when I came to speak to the queen were simply to meet her, as she requested, but to reject the offer of marriage. I did not respond to the letter. His mother wrote a letter and my mother responded. However, when I met Killian there was a level of kinship. I felt I understood him to some degree and while our first meeting wasn't the best it didn't take long for me to realize that we could help each other. I never dreamt of a prince or being a princess. So, it's actually ironic that that was the life that found me."

Looking out at the press she placed her hands in her lap, waiting for the continued barrage of questions. Thankfully she had experience playing poker and keeping a straight face when she felt Killian's hand grasp hers under the table. Turning to look at him she saw something odd below the surface, something warm and questioning.

There was no time to analyze it though as she heard the cameras clicking away and her attention was turned back to the journalists. They fielded questions for another hour but they were general. She barely paid attention to them as she was distracted by the fact that his hand never moved from hers until they rose to leave the table.

It was early the next day that they boarded a plane to leave for the first stop on their honeymoon. They would spend two weeks in Italy and then fly back to Misthaven for a short time before heading off on their extended honeymoon. How extended it would be was still unclear. For Killian the chance to leave the kingdom was a relief, an opportunity to leave behind the constant memories of his first wife. Sitting next to his new wife on the plane the past was sitting on his shoulders, weighing him down. There would have been no opportunity to grow close to Emma in the place where he'd shared his first kiss with Milah, where he had fallen in love with her, and where he had lost her.

Staying in Misthaven was like drowning in memories, something he had been doing for far too long. Today, on the plane, he wanted to come up for air. To take a deep breath and be released from the constant grasp that death had on him. He wasn't ready to fall for her, barely ready to be her friend, but when she had said during the press conference that she had felt a kinship with him something clicked into place for him. This marriage could be a lonely place or he could allow it to grow. Maybe not into romance. He was afraid that was done for him. But he could allow it to grow into a great friendship.

"Killian, did you want to watch a movie or something? The flight to Italy isn't exactly a short one."

"What kind of movie do you like?"

"I'm open to anything you want to watch. In all honesty, I'll probably fall asleep right after we turn it on."

"No, I'm just asking. What kind of movie do you like?"

Her forehead crinkled and she chuckled a little.

"Trying to get our scheduled time for today out of the way?"

"Not at all. Just trying to get to know you. I know that I indicated otherwise when we first discussed our marriage but I think that it would be nice to be friends."

"Not to look a gift horse in the mouth but what changed?"

"Reality lass. We're married. Whether it would have been our choice to be or not is beyond the point now. It is the reality of the situation and I'd like to make the best of it. I can't promise you that I won't struggle but I can promise you that I'll try. Making friends has never been my strong suit. My late wife was the one that drew people to her. I was generally just along for the ride. It's only been worse since her death."

"Did your friends leave you?"

"I wouldn't say that. I would say I left them. My late wife and I were very young when we met. Very young when we married. We loved each other to distraction and losing her was harder than I could explain. They wanted to help. They wanted to try to ease the pain but they couldn't understand that I didn't want the pain to ease."

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, a confession that he had never planned to share with her.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

The conversation was taking an uncomfortable turn for him but he was hesitant to stop it mid-stream lest she think that he was trying to shut her out. Already there had been many misunderstandings between them and he didn't want to make the list even longer.

"Why didn't you want the pain to ease?"

"I suppose I felt that it was a betrayal. That to not feel her loss every moment of every day was somehow cheapening the love I felt for her. I wanted to lay down and die with her. It was my healthy body that wouldn't allow it. The blasted traitor wouldn't listen to my broken heart."

She chuckled, the sound escaping her body before she could stop it.

"Is that funny lass?"

"Of course not. And I'm truly sorry for what you went through. It's just the notion of someone being so angry at being alive. The image you painted was bleak but not without humor."

"I suppose that's true."

He smiled and she felt a weight was lifted off her shoulders. The fact he could appreciate the dark side of her sense of humor was a good sign for their infant marriage.

"Your friends couldn't understand then?"

"They tried. Robin is an old friend of mine. That's why I told you that it's not like you and Ruby can't be friends. It's not at all uncommon to be friends with the staff. It would be crazy not to. They all tried to be there for me but I rejected them at every turn. My grief was too intense and too fresh."

"Do you think you'll ever get past it?"

"I honestly don't know. Sometimes I'm not even sure that I want to get past it. Losing Milah was like losing everything. If I were to ever love someone like that again I would be terrified that it would slip through my fingers again. To love like that and survive is overwhelmingly rare. To do it twice I fear it would be impossible."

He turned his eyes away, feeling more vulnerable than if he were standing there in front of her naked. Why he was baring his heart to her was beyond him. He barely knew her yet he was sharing with her things he had never even told his friends. Telling her things he hadn't even told his parents.

Emma watched him from her seat across from him. He was looking away from her, giving her ample time to take him in without him noticing. A moment earlier he had been completely open but she watched as a shadow crossed his face, and his body grew more rigid. She recognized the moves. They were ones she made often. That moment when she realized that she had opened too fully to someone and she was leaving herself vulnerable with them.

He was peering out the window and for a moment she was struck. She had seen him in pictures and in the meeting they'd had before the wedding. She had seen him at the wedding and in the day after. Still, she had never really looked at him. His jawline was perfectly cut, like it was crafted by a master sculptor and it was covered by a light stubble. Slightly more than a five o'clock shadow but less than a full beard. Without seeing them she could recall the blue of his eyes. He wore light liner on them, giving him the appearance of a rock star. If she had been one for reading the newspapers she was sure that there would have been many an article about Misthaven's handsome but grieving prince.

"Lass?"

Turning her eyes she saw that he was looking at her again.

"Yeah?"

"Did you want to watch a movie? As you said the flight isn't a short one and I'm sure that we can find something we can agree on."

"A movie sounds nice."

She nodded, a strained smile crossing her face. She knew he needed the movie, the time to recover from the things that he had said. She needed it to deal with the fact that for the first time she had really looked at her husband, not just at the situation she was in, and she found that she liked what she saw.

Standing on the terrace of their villa in Anacapri, Italy Emma was awestruck by the beauty that surrounded her in every direction. From the terrace she could see the sea and behind her were lush gardens that looked as though they had been painted into existence. It was heaven on Earth yet she found her heart slightly heavy. This was her honeymoon yet her husband was getting settled into one of the guest bedrooms while she took the master suite. At his insistence, of course. She didn't love him but she couldn't deny that she found herself feeling more isolated and alone now that she was in this loveless marriage. It was one of the most beautiful places on Earth and there would be no romantic garden walks or arms around her as she watched the sun set on the Mediterranean. Not unless she counted the arms that were currently around her. Her own.

"Love, I'm settled into the guest bedroom."

He spoke without real intention, coming down the steps of the stone villa wearing a navy-blue V-neck t-shirt and a pair of white men's deck shorts. Barefoot he took in the sight of his wife standing looking out over the water. Her long blonde hair was floating free in the breeze and the sun shone down just enough to give it the appearance of a slight golden halo. Turning she smiled and he found himself taking a step backwards, caught off guard by how lovely she looked in that moment. She smiled before she spoke.

"Do you like the room?"

"It's exactly as you would expect. Lush and expensive looking."

"Well that's not exactly an answer, now is it?"

"I like it well enough. Sometimes I enjoy the less luxurious side of life."

"How's that?"

"I like to camp. I like roughing it. Although my idea of roughing it isn't exactly rustic. It's hard to go rustic with a security detail doing everything possible to make sure your every need is met."

"It's got to be hard never being able to dismiss them. Are you worried being on this trip without them?"

"Not really. We took a private flight and no one knows our itinerary. It was quite the feat convincing my parents to allow us to go on this unaccompanied. After our short time back home, when we set off on the extended trip, I know that we'll be unable to leave them behind. Going to more populated areas will require that we're properly protected."

She nodded, turning back to the water.

"Do you like the water love? You seem quite taken with it."

"I've always been drawn to it. It soothes me."

"Me too. My late wife and I..."

'You can say her name."

He stopped, unaware that he had been referring to her as of late as his late wife. In the past he had always just simply said my wife but now that term belonged to someone else. To the blonde standing in front of him.

"I suppose I haven't been saying her name much."

"Is it too difficult?"

"Yes and no. It's not that I never speak of her or say her name. It's just odd now. She's not my wife anymore. You are. I can't talk about her as though she's here and you didn't know her. So I find myself just continually referring to her as my late wife. Which she is."

"I know who you're talking about and I know that you're not trying to hurt me by talking about her. Please talk about her. If we're ever going to be friends we're going to have to learn to be open with each other."

"Despite our circumstances that hasn't seemed to be much of an issue for me. I find I've confided in you more in the past two days than I thought I would in the first few months or ever really. You're very easy to talk to."

He watched as she smiled slightly, her eyes never leaving the waves that were crashing on the shore. It was clear that there was a lot she hadn't told him about herself but he hoped that him opening up to her would make her feel at ease to do the same with him.

"So, Prince Killian, what do you want to do tomorrow. We only have a few days here in this town before we head to Tuscany and Rome."

"I was thinking that we could go to the Grotta Azzurra. They call it The Blue Grotto. We'd take a boat into a cavern lit by blue lights. I've seen photos and it looks absolutely amazing. Given that we both like the water I thought it's something that we might both enjoy."

"That does sound amazing."

"So, it's a plan then?"

"Aye."

He smiled at her use of the word that was more commonly associated with him. If she ever called him love he was sure that he would break out in full out laughter. He had expected for it to feel odd between them since they had been little more than strangers just two days before but he found that there was a good rapport between them. A genuine connection that he hadn't expected, and wasn't completely sure that he wanted.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Later that evening he found her again by the terrace.

"This seems to have become a bit of your spot love."

"Why do you call me love?"

She turned quickly as she spoke and he found himself staring at eyes that were questioning, if not slightly accusingly. The question was so abrupt that he felt as though he had been physically touched.

"I suppose it's just a quirk of my speech patterns. Does it bother you?"

"Not really. I'm just not used to it. My ex was never one for terms of endearment. Although I suppose it's not really even a term of endearment from you. Like I said I'm just not used to it."

"You don't talk much about your ex."

"There's not much to say. He's not worth the words."

Sensing that this was a difficult topic for her he moved to stand next to her. Without meaning to he placed his hand at the small of her back, moving it in small circles, offering her some semblance of comfort.

"Are you in the mood for dinner love?"

He saw her shoulders rise as she took a deep breath, then she nodded and smiled in his direction. He knew that he wasn't in love with her but it amazed him how the sight of her smile made him happy. Making her happy, or easing some of her pain, made him happy.

"I'm always in the mood for dinner. What are you thinking?"

"Well we are in Italy. I was thinking some classic Italian dishes might be in order. I've asked the staff to prepare a culinary feast to be served out here on the terrace. It should be ready momentarily. Perhaps we can dress a bit for dinner?"

She chuckled before responding, a light sound that was a bit like music to his ears.

"I hadn't planned on going naked."

"Pity that."

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them and her eyes widened at the innuendo.

"Lass, I'm so sorry. I realize that was out of line."

"You are my husband. I guess you wanting to see me naked isn't the worst thing I've ever heard of."

"That wasn't our agreement. I apologize."

He took a step to walk away but her hand reached out, grabbing his forearm.

"Killian, stop."

His eyes on the ground he stopped at her command but couldn't look up.

"That agreement was for us to try. Yes, we're working on a friendship but at some point some level of intimacy is going to be required. I mean they're going to expect an heir..."

"I never agreed to that."

"Come on. You and I both knew it was a part of the deal. Whether we agreed or not it's going to be expected. Your family is going to want an heir to the throne and as your wife they're going to expect that it's going to be provided by me. Killian, I'm willing to take whatever time you need but both of us need to be realistic. We're not going to be able to just be friends for the duration of this marriage. I like that you find me attractive. That the thought of seeing me without my clothes doesn't disgust you. The thought of seeing you without yours isn't exactly appalling. It's our pace Killian. Not yours. Not mine. Ours. We'll do this thing together at our pace."

A ghost of a smile flickered across his face as he bit his bottom lip. He wanted to speak. To tell her how much her words meant to him. Instead he just looked at her, his hand going up to scratch behind his ear. Already she had noticed that it seemed to be his go to gesture when he was uncomfortable or at a loss for words.

"Dinner will be here any moment."

She knew that the transition back to dinner was an end to their open conversation but she hoped that he heard her. That he understood. The silence during their meal was heavy, each of them caught up in the weight of their thoughts. Her mind was on whether or not her marriage would ever be one that she could feel comfortable in while his was firmly fixed on the guilt he felt at having found his wife attractive.

The next day they found themselves sitting in the backseat of their town car heading to the Grotta Azzurra. The night before she had spent her evening researching it and the pictures she had seen were amazing. She was looking forward to experiencing it firsthand.

An hour later she found herself floating in a canoe across from Killian with their oars moving smoothly in the naturally blue lit water. It was as though a spell fell over them. No words were spoken as they watched the water ripple against the walls, listening to the sound of its movements.

Leaning back and closing her eyes Emma felt as though all was finally right in the world. Marrying a virtual stranger hadn't been high on her list of things to do but if this was the result, traveling to exotic lands with someone to take it all in with her, she figured it was a fair price to pay. From across the canoe he watched her, taking her in while her eyes were closed. His sleep had been fitful the night before, the guilt over having seen her as more than just the obligation he had convinced himself she was keeping him awake. Over and over he tried to convince himself that it was fine but then he would close his eyes and see Milah's lifeless body laying on that bed all those years before. She had made him promise to move on but he knew as he made it that it was a promise he was never going to keep. It was just what you said to put your dying loved one at ease. Now looking at Emma, his new wife, he was slightly sickened to realize that maybe the promise hadn't been completely empty. Here he was with a woman he barely knew and he was drawn in by her. Not just her body but by her mind as well. He was drawn to her independent spirit and the fact that it felt as though her soul was reaching out to his. He had only felt it once before, with Milah, and he didn't want to be feeling it now. It felt like a betrayal of everything he had shared with her.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Startled out of his musings he found himself staring into the green eyes of his wife.

"You were staring at me."

"Sorry love. I was off in my own world. I wasn't even aware that I was looking at you really."

He didn't miss the way that her face fell, just a slight expression shift. The light in her eyes dimmed just slightly.

"That's not what I meant love. You're lovely to look at..."

"You don't have to say that."

It was that moment that he realized that he needed to make a choice. Milah was gone and somehow he was hurting Emma. He didn't even really know what he was doing that was hurting her but he knew that he was. For this moment anyways he needed to make his choice. He wasn't blind to the reality that his feelings would most likely change again but he had to find a way to stop hurting Emma.

"Can I ask you a question Emma?"

"Of course."

"What do you want from me? I don't say that to be rude or harsh. I just find that tip toeing around something isn't really my style. It doesn't really seem to be your style either."

"I don't know. I want to try with you. I want you to not look like you hate yourself and sometimes a little bit me because you felt something for me. We've only known each other a few weeks, only been married a few days, but I can already see that for some reason you're fighting against liking me. Every time you start you pull back and I don't know what to do to make it better. Or even if I want to. I didn't get into this marriage to get you to fall for me. And I haven't fallen for you. But I like you. You're a good guy and you care about me. Sometimes you look at me like I'm water and you've been dying of thirst. But then you turn around and run back towards the desert."

Reaching out his hand found hers and he linked his fingers with hers. It was the most clear sign of intimacy that he'd ever initiated and it terrified him. He hoped that she would never know just how much his heart was racing just from that little bit of contact.

"This seems like an odd place to have this conversation. It's much more appropriate for romance than the bearing of the soul. But I'll share this with you. I certainly don't find you unattractive. In fact I find you to be bloody beautiful. It's just that whenever I think of you in that way, when I find myself attracted to you, the first thing that crosses my mind is Milah."

"Would she be upset that you find someone else attractive? Even if she's gone?"

"On the contrary. She would be thrilled. And she would love you. Your adventurous spirit. She wasn't a wanderer. She was content to be the princess. She was happy in Misthaven. The kingdom was her home and she rarely wanted to leave. It's why I've not wanted to be there much since her passing. Emma, you make me nervous. I was very young when I met Milah. Fourteen to be exact. She was my only girlfriend. My only love. The only one that I've ever been with."

"You were never even attracted to anyone else."

"I mean there were women that I thought were pretty. Beautiful even. But they never held a candle to Milah."

"There's been no one since? I mean it's been years hasn't it?"

"It has and there hasn't been. I've always been a one woman man and that woman was Milah. But the last few days has exposed something in me. Something I'm not sure that I'm ready to examine."

"What's that?"

"I never thought I'd be capable of letting go of my first love, of my Milah. To believe that I could find someone else. That is until I met you. And all those concrete facts that I knew about myself are being questioned. Did I love her less than I thought I did?"

Although the water was luminescent and creating prisms of light on his face she didn't miss the single tear that made its way down his face. Keeping her fingers entwined with his she reached out with her other hand to wipe the moisture away.

"It doesn't mean you loved her less. Killian, you're here. As much as you may wish you could have gone with her she's gone and you're here. Experience life for her. Live it to the fullest. Isn't that what you would have wanted if it had been you that had gone on before? And I don't mean fall in love with me. Although it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I just mean live. Live the life that she can't and feel good about it. Marvel in this grotto, at the wonder of it. Stare out at the ocean in awe, climb a mountain. Experience life. You're here. Be here. Guilt won't bring her back to life but it will rob you of yours."

His eyes found hers and he was shocked to see tears in them.

"Why are you crying lass?"

"Because I know more about this than you know. I hate seeing you struggle with it."

"Would you tell me?"

"Not today. But someday I'm sure. Until then let's enjoy the beauty of this place, the beauty of Italy and just live."

She watched as his eyes crinkled as his lips turned upward into a smile and gasped just a little when he lifted their linked hands, pressing his lips softly to her hand.

"That sounds perfect."

After two weeks in Italy their time was done and they were headed back to Misthaven. The sights had been beautiful but Emma found herself oddly eager to head back home, to see her parents. After their time in the grotto their relationship had become a mix of tension and being completely at ease. She wasn't even sure how it was possible.

When they allowed themselves to forget the situation they found themselves in, married to a virtual stranger, they were like anyone else taking in beautiful and new sites. In awe of the beauty that surrounded them. However from time to time she would find herself reaching for his hand and she'd pull it back like she had been burned when her skin came in contact with his. He would find himself looking at her instead of the beautiful sites of Italy. Part of him really wanted to reach out again. Reveled in those moments that she allowed herself to reach out to him. Wished that he could allow himself the comfort of another person's company. From time to time he would imagine what it would be like to just reach out and brush the hair out of her face while she watched the water and just as he would lift his hand to do it the thought of Milah would cross his mind. How much she would love this, wondering what she would think of the sites he was taking in. Usually just how she would feel if she knew that he found himself taking more time to turn his eyes from Emma than before. What she would think if she knew that he craved her touch. What she would think if she knew that he wanted to believe she meant her dying request that he find love with someone else. The thought turned his stomach. That she would think he could forget her so easily.

It was in those moments that he pulled his eyes from Emma, silently reaffirming his promise that he would stay true to Milah's memory. Now he sat across from Emma on the plane back to Misthaven and the tension was thick. Each were caught up in their own thoughts, trying to make sense of what had transpired between them on their honeymoon. It was no more than confessions and a kiss on the hand but it felt like so much more. Like the beginning of something. Easing his head back he closed his eyes, falling into sleep that had evaded him since that night in the grotto.

 _The water was illuminating the grotto, blue dancing off every wall of the cave. Violin music played softly, a haunting melody. Opening his eyes he saw her there, dark eyes boring a hole through him. Her hair fell in soft ringlets down her back, every bit as beautiful as the last time he saw her._

" _Milah..."_

" _Shhh. Killian, it's okay. Just listen."_

" _No, I need...how are you here?"_

" _It's a dream Killian. Nothing more, nothing less."_

" _Do dreams know they're dreams?"_

" _Well I'm not a ghost if that's what you're thinking. Killian, listen..."_

" _I don't want to hear it Milah. I don't want to hear about your deathbed requests."_

" _But isn't that why you're dreaming about me?"_

" _Ugggghhh, I don't know. It's a dream. How am I supposed to bloody know why I'm dreaming what I'm dreaming."_

" _You want absolution Killian and you can choose how this is going to go. I can rage at you and tell you how angry I am. Or I can tell you that I meant what I said when I was dying, and that I want you to be happy. That I want you to find someone to share your life with. But ultimately I'm your subconscious so you need to decide. Decide whether you think that the woman you loved all those years was so selfish that she needed to have you keep warm with only the memory of your few years together or if she would want you to at least try to find someone to love again. To have a chance at the life that the two of you couldn't have together. But this is your subconscious so you need to decide who you think I was."_

 _A tear slipped down his cheek as he looked at her. The color was back in her cheeks and she looked like herself again. The illness had taken its toll on her towards the end, chemo taking her hair and the cancer taking her weight. Her mouth had been filled with sores from the treatments she was on and her body had been weak. Now she looked like the woman that he had loved. Full of life, full of everything life had to offer her. How could he wish her back to the body that had betrayed her so? How could he wish her back to labored breathing and vomiting up every bite she took? But that wasn't what he was wishing for. He was wishing for this woman in front of him, this woman who was healthy and strong._

" _Don't cry Killian."_

" _Why did you have to go Milah? You took it all with you."_

" _I did not take it all. You have so much to give Killian but it's time to live. I know you wanted to come with me but you couldn't. You have more to do. More to offer. Live for us. Make your life full and beautiful. That's how you honor what we had. Laying down and dying with me doesn't bring me back. It doesn't get you any closer to me. It just leaves me here watching you hurt and you there hurting. You don't have to love her Killian. But don't use me as an excuse not to. Don't use me as an excuse not to try. I'll love you always Killian. Find peace."_

" _Milah, don't go...Milah..."_

His head fell to the side and his eyes opened to Emma's eyes glued to his face. She looked stricken, a little like a lost child.

"Lass, is everything okay?"

She didn't speak but he could almost see her walls go up. Her face was guarded and when she nodded it was short, with eyes averted. He wanted to ask, to make her confide in him what was wrong. Instead he stayed silent, looking away from her. If she wasn't going to speak then that was on her.

Sitting across from him her mind raced, trying to come to grips with what she had heard. It wasn't like she didn't know he was still hung up on his late wife. He had been completely clear about it. Really she should have expected that he would dream of her. It had been clear since the grotto that she was on his mind. She just didn't know how much she was on his mind and she didn't know why it stung so much just how much she was still present in his life. How was she ever going to find a way to get close to him when his late wife was continually between them?


	9. Chapter 8

**_Chapter Eight_**

"Emma, I'm so glad you're home."

Her mother barely allowed her in the home before rushing to her to draw her into her arms. Every time Emma went away she missed this. Longed for her parents. In the past however she had stayed away, wanting to hide away the parts of herself that might disappoint them. Now she couldn't wait to get back to them.

"Hi Mom. How's everything been while I was gone?"

"Everything was fine. Perhaps a better question would be is how was everything for you?"

"Everything has been fine. The honeymoon was great. We saw a lot of amazing sites while we were in Italy."

"While I'm sure the sites were amazing Emma I'm more interested in your marriage. How did the honeymoon go in that regard?"

Emma took her coat off, her blonde hair cascading down her back, and fell backwards into the chair in the living room.

"Well we're essentially strangers so it wasn't exactly the romantic affair I'm sure you dreamt of while I was growing up."

"Of course I know that. Emma, I just want to know how you're feeling. I want you to let me in. You've moved into a home that's new to you with people that are new to you. Don't shut me out to prove that you're strong. I know that already."

Emma bit her lip, staring down at the floor. She wanted to share with her mom. To release herself from the burden of feeling all alone in everything. That urge to close herself off though was right there, tapping her on the shoulder. Finally she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"It's hard Mom. The honeymoon was good but it was confusing."

"In what way?"

"Killian isn't what I expected. He's wounded somehow. I felt like this marriage was going to be something I was alone in but it seems like we're together in being alone. There's a connection there and I don't know what to do with it."

"Foster it. Grow it."

"It's not that simple Mom. He's still in love with his first wife."

"Are you in love with him?"

"No. I'm definitely not in love with him."

"Well if you're not in love with him what does it matter if he's in love with his first wife?"

"I don't want to fall in love alone. What if I open myself up to him and he never gets over her? What if the memory of her is more than I can ever be for him?"

"Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow Emma. You don't love each other now. You barely know each other. But this marriage that you've entered into is a big deal. It's not just a normal marriage where if things don't work you can end it. A divorce in the royal family would be a very large scandal. More than that Emma I can already see that that's not what you want. You would be hurt by that. Get to know him. Spend time with him and allow a friendship to bloom. You've already indicated an interest in him so just let things happen organically. I truly believe Emma that if you just open yourself up to the possibilities something magical could grow between you."

"Ever the eternal optimist huh Mom?"

Although she joked with her mother about it she couldn't deny that her words had found a spot in her heart. Maybe the best thing she could do would be to just take a step back from analyzing the relationship to allow it to grow, however it was going to.

Prince Killian attempted to pass his parents wing of the castle quietly, hoping to somehow avoid what was sure to be an interrogation. Now that the wedding was done he was prepared for the constant inquisitions. For him the choice to marry hadn't been simple. There were expectations and now that the first had been met he was sure that it wouldn't be long before his family, and most especially parliament, expected him to fulfill the others. He wasn't surprised when his attempt to be stealthy backfired however and he found himself face to face his father, who was just walking by.

"Welcome back son."

"Hello father."

"Where's your blushing bride today?"

"I let her off her leash. She went to go visit her parents."

"Now now Killian. Why must this always seem to go sideways? I was simply inquiring as to the location of my new daughter in law. That can't honestly be surprising."

"What's surprising is that you think I would be keeping tabs on her. That's not the marriage we have and quiet frankly that's not the marriage I want. She's free to come and go as she pleases. I'm her husband, not her keeper."

"This sounds far more like you're offended on her behalf. Dare I say slightly protective?"

"She married me and joined her life to mine although she barely knows me. I'd say that's cause for being protective."

"Come on now son. You don't think I know you better?"

"You don't."

Turning on his heel he made his way over to the window, taken aback by the sharp tone in his voice. There was no explanation for the frustration he felt at the mere mention of his feelings for his new wife. It was bubbling up inside of him, threatening to spill over.

"I'm sorry father. I don't know what it is about this marriage that leaves me so on edge. This is hardly the first time that I've snapped at you about it. It's not as though we're the first royal couple to ever marry for reasons other than love."

"Are you open to allowing love in?"

"I don't know how to. I know that I'm not betraying Milah by allowing her into my world but every time I try to picture it it just feels off."

"Stop trying to picture it. You don't have to love her today."

"But I have to love her someday. Come on. I know the deal. I'll be given time now but at some point, parliament is going to start wanting an heir and it's not going to matter whether or not I've come to love her."

"We're not going to force you to have an intimate relationship with a woman that you don't care for."

"What's more intimate than marriage? Yet I was forced into that."

"Killian, you know that if there had been any other way to satisfy parliament we would have done that."

"Exactly. So, when they want an heir what is to stop you from saying the same thing. From stating that it's my royal duty to provide an heir to continue our family line. Now I'm not only thinking about myself but Emma. It's one thing to put me in the position of sacrificing something as important as having my first-born child be brought into a family full of love but to ask Emma is hardly fair."

"Emma was aware that an heir would eventually be required of her. You act as though you both were unclear that this marriage was a royal marriage. As hard as you may fight against it this marriage must last. Divorce..."

"Who's talking about divorce? I may not love Emma but I'm certainly not going to find a better wife."

Before the words were out of his mouth he realized how true they were. He didn't love Emma but in their short time together he come to respect her immensely. If he had had to choose a wife, and he had, she was the right choice. Somehow despite the less than ideal circumstances he wouldn't trade this marriage to her for marriage to anyone else. Except for maybe marriage to Milah or marriage to no one.

"Son, I really think that you and Emma have what it takes to be great together."

"I hear you Dad. I really do. Maybe someday we'll see that happen. I'm sure that as we spend more time together and get closer it'll be more clear."

"I suppose you want to be done with this conversation."

"You know me so well."

"Will you and Emma have dinner with your mother and I this evening?"

"No. Emma and I will never develop this closeness that everyone craves for us if we never spend time together without the cushion of others."

"You just got home from your honeymoon. Don't feel pushed to get close to her Killian. You will resent her and you will resent all of those you feel are pushing you."

"Thank you, Father. Still, we'll be dining in our place tonight."

Leaving no room for further conversation Killian walked away, his father staring at his back wondering, not for the first time, whether or not they had done the best thing for their son.

* * *

Entering his bedroom Killian dropped down on his bed, running his hands through his hair as his body hunched over. His talk with his father had meant to comfort, he was sure of that, but it left him feeling tired and worn out. The lack of sleep that he had been getting certainly wasn't helping any. They had been married for a short time and he could already feel the toll of their false vows weighing down on him. He could only imagine how Emma was feeling. At the very least he had the comfort of the familiar. She was in a new place, with new people, and a list of new rules that he knew would be daunting to even the most trained noble person. She had never been part of this world and now she was thrust out into it.

Turning to look out the window of his room he remembered the press conference before they left for their honeymoon. The reporters hadn't meant to be callous. They had been trained to be suspicious and to look for ulterior motives. That was their bread and butter. However, despite the fact that she had clearly experienced something in her past that she was unwilling to discuss, she had never dealt with people like the media. People looking to pick apart her every word she said to find the underlying falsehoods. He wouldn't always be there to stop them and he was worried about the damage that they could do to her.

Without thinking he stood, grabbing his robe and his cell phone from the chair by his desk, and heading towards the bathroom that connected his room to Emma's. He placed his headphones in his ears trying to clear his mind. Sitting and worrying about possible scenarios in the future didn't seem like a way to solve anything and he still hadn't showered since returning from their trip. Granted there had been showers at the villa but traveling always left him feeling like he needed to get clean, even if he had just showered that day. Entering the bathroom he undressed quickly listening to the sounds of The Enemies playing in his ears. They were a group from a small town in Ireland and he found himself listening to their music whenever he got the chance, which didn't feel like it was all that frequently. After getting the water set to the perfect temperature he finally removed the ear buds from his ears and stepped in, letting the water fall over him. It felt like heaven. He allowed the water to wash away his stress and after ten minutes he opened the shower door, wrapping the towel around his waist. Just as he closed the towel the door opened and Emma walked in, wrapped in her own towel. She looked completely shocked as she stumbled a bit, a blush creeping up her face.

"Killian, I'm so sorry. I should have knocked."

"No worry to be sorry lass. It's hardly the most I've seen of you. We did just spend two weeks together in Italy. I saw you in your bathing suit."

"A bathing suit is a bit different than a birthday suit."

He laughed at that, a loud chuckle that broke the tension in the room. He didn't fail to notice that despite her discomfort, and her proximity to the door, she had yet to back out of the room.

"No harm done love. We share a bathroom. It was bound to happen at some point. I'm actually glad you're here. I was hoping to ask you a question."

"In the bathroom in our towels?"

"Well I admit that when I imagined the conversation we were both wearing more clothes but this works too."

His eyes scanned her body intentionally, clearly appraising her. Despite his desire to look away he somehow wanted her to know that he was willing to take a step, to work on making their union more comfortable for both of them.

"In all honesty lass, this is hardly a hardship for me."

She was thrown when he winked at her, a grin splitting across his face.

"Okay there Casanova. What was this question that you had?"

"I was wondering if you would want to join me for dinner out. We've had dinner abroad but we've yet to venture out here in our kingdom. It'll be a different experience, for certain."

"Dinner out huh? Is my husband asking me on a date?"

Taking her cue from his flirtatious behavior she followed suit, smiling widely and looking him in the eyes. She wasn't sure what changed or why he was suddenly seeming open to her but she wasn't going to question it. Especially after her conversation with her mother earlier in the day.

"I believe he is. Perhaps one of the most chaste dates you'll ever run across, because I'm so not ready for much, but a date indeed."

"Well then I suppose my answer to your request for a chaste date, which is fine for me, would be yes. An hour?"

"Absolutely lass. I'll pick you up."

He smiled again and she felt the start of butterflies in her stomach. As soon as she felt them she turned, heading towards the door. This was not good, not good at all.

* * *

Fifty minutes later Emma stood in front of her mirror evaluating herself one more time. She tried to tell herself that she wasn't trying to impress him but in all honesty, she knew that she wasn't that good of a liar. Multiple outfits lay discarded on her bed, each rejected for one perceived flaw or another. Now she evaluated the last of the outfits, trying to gauge if this was the one. She had no idea why she was so nervous. This was her husband. She had spent the last two weeks with him. He had seen her in her pajamas and seen her lounging in yoga pants and an over-sized sweater. He wasn't going to care what she was wearing now. Still she took in the coral and black chevron skirt with the blank tank top hoping that it was dressy enough. He hadn't mentioned where he was taking her and she didn't want to be under-dressed. Her hair, curled and pulled up in a loose braid fell over her shoulder looked carefree, yet elegant. A knock on her door pulled her eyes away from the mirror and she slid on a pair of strappy black sandals before grabbing her black purse.

When she opened the door she saw Killian, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a button-down shirt tucked into his jeans. It was a far cry from the black leather and skinny jeans that she had grown used to seeing him in. He had been a bit more casual during their time in Italy but when they weren't at the beach he was generally still in his black skinny jeans and maybe a white t-shirt. Taking him in she smiled, lightly appraising him with her eyes. It was difficult to let him know that she appreciated his appearance without over-stepping what he might be comfortable with.

"You look..."

"I know."

A smile broke across her face at the lighthearted statement, helping to ease the nerves that had been plaguing her for the past hour.

"You also look quite fetching lass."

"Thank you. I wasn't sure where we were going or how dressy to get."

"I thought we'd just grab a bite at a local bistro. Sometimes this royalty thing gets to be a bit stifling."

"I haven't experienced that much yet thankfully."

"Hopefully we'll be able to keep that at a distance, for a while at least."

They walked as they talked, heading towards the car that was being driven by Robin.

"La Belle Bois please Robin."

The driver nodded before raising the partition, giving them privacy. During the car ride she was amazed at the ease that they seemed to have between them. He had been distant on the plane ride home and after she heard him say Milah's name in his dreams she had felt herself close off from him. Now though, less than a day later, he was laughing and joking with her. Being flirtatious and she didn't miss the fact that instead of sitting as far away from her as he could in the car he sat right next to her, keeping little distance between them. She wasn't exactly sure what had changed that afternoon but she didn't want to question it. As her mother had recommended she wanted to leave herself open to whatever might occur between them.

After a short drive they pulled up to a curb and Killian opened the door, pausing and holding out his hand.

"Milady."

She smiled as she took it, looking into his clear blue eyes. There was a lightness there that was unfamiliar to her.

"Good sir."

Like she had moments before he smiled and she was surprised when instead of releasing her hand once she was out of the car he simply moved it up into the crook of his elbow. Following his lead she followed him down the block to a beautiful little restaurant nestled away from the street a bit.

"Do you come here often?"

His eyebrow arched as he grinned before responding.

"Trying to pick me up princess?"

"And if I am?"

Before their flirtation could continue any further Killian felt someone touch his hand lightly, and looking down saw a young girl about five years old standing near him. Looking up he saw who he assumed was the young girl's mother standing nearby, a look of embarrassment on her face.

"I'm so sorry your highness. She ran off before I was able to stop her."

"Nothing to be sorry for lass."

He knelt before the young girl, bringing himself to her level.

"My name is Killian young lady. And who might you be?"

"My name is Olivia Grace your highness. I've seen you on the TV. You always look sad."

"Aye love. How old are you?"

She held up her hand, showing him five fingers.

"Five years old? Wow. You are quite the little lady."

A broad smile spread across her face before looking up and taking notice of Emma.

"You're the new princess?"

Emma was startled to be included in the conversation but she tried to recover quickly. This was the first time that she was being recognized in public and she couldn't help but be grateful that it was a child and not an adult. They weren't quite as probing with their inquiries.

"I am. What are you and your mother out doing today? You look like you're having fun."

"We're having a girl's day. She let me stay home from school and we went to see a movie. We're going to lunch now. Can you and Prince Killian have lunch with us?"

At that her mother stepped forward, putting her hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"Olivia I'm sure the prince and princess are busy."

"Lass it wouldn't be much of a girl's day if I were to interrupt. But I do appreciate the invitation. It's not so often that I get such a lovely offer."

The girls smile was so wide that it nearly split across her face. As Emma watched the interaction between her husband and his subjects she was surprised by how naturally it came to him. She had been led to believe that he was distance and aloof, only being as present as necessary. Now he stood in front of her laughing and talking with a woman and her child as though they were long lost friends. What had caused the sudden shift in his behavior was still unclear, although she hoped that over the course of dinner he might open up.

"Emma, are you ready for dinner?"

"I am. Olivia, it was lovely to meet you."

"You too Princess Emma."

The name still took her by surprise even though she had had weeks now to get used to it. No one was addressing her by her new moniker in Italy and they had barely returned to their kingdom. The young girl and her mother left and Emma turned back to her husband, watching as his eyes followed them. They weren't on the mother but on the child and he had a wistful expression dancing just beneath the surface of his eyes. One she knew as well as she was certain it was the expression she got on her face when watching a child. She wanted to ask a question but their ease with each other was so new that she was wary of upsetting the delicate balance. Before she could interrupt the argument going on between her two warring sides he pulled his eyes away from the girl, turning to look at her.

"Ready lass?"

She smiled but knew that it couldn't have reached her eyes. The look on his face haunted her. So, desperate and longing.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

She took his arm and he led her into the restaurant where the enjoyed the rest of the evening. However, she didn't fail to notice that a tension had fallen over them, a question mark hanging over the remainder of the night.


	10. Chapter 9

**_Chapter Nine_**

"Princess Emma welcome to the Grimm Adoption Agency and Group Home. My name is Regina Mills. I am the Head Director for the program."

"Thank you for having me."

"I was a bit surprised to see your name on the list of people that would be coming in. It had been my understanding that the king and queen weren't eager to thrust you into ruling right away. Seeing as you have no experience in it and such."

Emma readjusted her posture, feeling as though she was about two inches tall. Dressed in an impeccable pants suit with hair that was artfully styled everything about Regina screamed that she was a force to be reckoned with. Her reminder of Emma's lack of experience in her new role as princess only served to increase the intimidation that she felt.

"Yes, well it's just a preliminary visit. The prince and I will be leaving on an extended trip in the next couple of weeks but we all thought it best that I get to know the people that I'm going to be working with upon our return."

"I think we both understand that your role is mostly a figurehead. I am the director of the agency."

"I don't plan to create waves. However, while Killian and I are abroad I will be meeting with the prince and having Skype lessons to get caught up with the different roles I'll be expected to take over."

"Do you and the prince plan on leaving your subjects on a regular basis or is this something you're just doing to start out your marriage? Although from my understanding we'll barely notice Prince Killian's absence. He's not made his presence known much."

"Miss Mills I'd thank you to show me around the facility and perhaps keep your thoughts on my marriage and our obligations to yourself. However perhaps you could also remember that Killian is your prince and he suffered a great loss. How he has chosen to grieve is something that you are really in no position to be speculating on. The tour please?"

The other woman stopped and looked at the princess, both annoyed and impressed by her willingness to take her on. Instead of continuing to speak she turned on her heel, silently indicating for Emma to follow her. Walking through the facility Emma was shocked by what she saw.

There were no colors, anywhere. Instead the walls were an institutional white, with windows that had an applied film to them so that no sunlight fully made it into the rooms. Each room was equipped with two sets of bunk beds, with wool blankets and pillows that looked like they were the most uncomfortable things she had ever laid eyes on.

"Can I ask why all the rooms are the same?"

"I don't imagine it matters when you ask the question before allowing me to tell you yes or no whether you can."

"It was a rhetorical question. As in I'd like you to tell me why all the rooms are the same?"

"We're not home Princess Emma. This is a stopping off point for these children and it's not prudent for them to get too attached."

"And what of those children that don't get placed?"

"Those are individual cases. With all due respect for your position, Your Highness, this is my career. Your involvement is highly unnecessary. As I mentioned your really have no experience to be offering critique or suggestion."

Everything inside Emma wanted to fight back against the women who so clearly thought herself better than her yet her new position held her back. This was her first activity, outside of the press conference before her honeymoon, that had her interacting with what were now her subjects. As much as she wanted to feel worthy she didn't.

"Thank you, Miss Mills. You've been ever so hospitable. I'll see myself out."

While she made no secret of her distaste for the woman she maintained her composure until she stepped outside the door of the group home, her shoulders slumping over as she felt herself deflate. Regina Mills may lack tact but she wasn't incorrect. She didn't have the requisite knowledge for this position and everyone knew it. While she knew that her marriage was based on a kinship between her and Killian, at least partially, she felt that everyone else would think the role was given to her because of a pretty face. She was embarrassed and at that moment wanted nothing more than to go back home to her parents. Instead she climbed back into her day car and had the driver take her back to the castle.

"How was the group home today lass?"

"I'm surprised you know my schedule."

"I inquire with Robin about you daily. We've a short amount of time here before we leave for extended travels and I know that you'll be busy during this time. It's new for you so I've tried to be attentive, at least from a distance."

"I appreciate that."

She set her fork down on her plate, her fingers fiddling with the edge of her glass. She kept her eyes trained away from him.

"Come on lass. I'm curious to know how it went."

Finally looking up she saw that his eyes were on her, dancing with curiosity.

"It wasn't everything I had hoped for."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well for one thing the director was, for lack of a better word, rude. From the moment I walked in she made sure that I was aware that she thinks that I'm completely not cut out for the role because of my lack of training. And the worst thing is that she's right. I've never been a director of anything."

"You were in the Peace Corp. You may have been taking orders but you know how to get done what needs to be done."

"Be that as it may I've never been in the position to lead and she picked up on that. She apparently has a talent for finding weakness in virtual strangers. When she wasn't insulting me, and making me feel like an idiot she was somehow insinuating that you had let the country down somehow by not playing a huge role in the running of the kingdom the past few years. And now by traveling with me."

"I suppose I have been a bit unavailable the past few years."

"Don't do that Killian. You were grieving the loss of your wife and for her to judge you for that is absolutely vile."

He smiled, amused by the passion in her defense of him. Before he could stop himself he reached for her hand, a half smile crossing his face as his eyebrow arched.

"Who knew you cared so much?"

He had intended to saying it jokingly but he couldn't account for the quiet tone of his voice, more a soft murmur than he had intended.

"Of course I care. You're the prince and you lost your wife. No one has the right to judge you for how you chose to grieve your losses. I don't know Regina Mills, so I can't say she's never lost anyone, but I do have a hard time believing that anyone that has lost someone like you have would be so callous about it."

There were no words so he nodded, pulling his hand back to grab his fork again.

"Outside of Miss Mills lack of tact, how was it?"

"Killian that place is awful. I don't know much about group home, foster care or adoption but that place can't possibly be the best that our kingdom can do for those children."

"What was so bad about it?"

"It was institutional. There were no colors, no individuality. We never made it past the residential portion of the building because Miss Mills didn't like that I was asking questions about the facility. I would have liked to have seen more, to see that it maybe wasn't as bad as it seemed. Have you ever heard anything about it?"

"What was the name of it again?"

"Grimm Adoption Agency and Group Home."

"I'd love to say yes or no but alas Miss Mills wasn't completely incorrect in her assessment of my performance as Prince the last few years. I have been largely absent. My parents have relayed information to me when necessary but they've gone out of their way not to push me in any way. I've been less than diligent in my duties."

"Your parents have been handling it. There was no reason for all of you to be aware of everything. It's not like you're going to be taking over as ruler any time soon."

"No, but royalty has never been allowed to just do nothing. We've always had to work for it. Look at Prince William and Prince Harry. They've both been in the British Army and have had a successful career of it. The ones that haven't worked have at the very least invested themselves in charity work. I haven't done anything."

Without thinking Emma moved her chair closer, her hand reaching for his. She felt him stiffen momentarily and then relax. It was a testament to how close they'd gotten in such a short amount of time that he wasn't pulling away and that she had reached out to begin with. Not to mention that it was the second time that they'd reached out to comfort the other physically in a very brief amount of time.

"Killian, seriously you have to stop being so hard on yourself. William and Harry lost their mother when they were young. If they hadn't, if they'd lost her while they were in the British Army, they would have been given some latitude in their careers as well."

"It's not be a short time since I've I lost Milah."

"Last I checked grief didn't have a timetable. I don't know why you're taking so much stock in what Miss Mills had to say during a conversation where she was obviously trying to get under my skin."

"I'm not really. It's not something I haven't thought about before. I've just kind of skated by on my title and I don't really have a presence in the kingdom that someday I'm going to lead. Whether I want to or not."

"You don't want to be king?"

It was at that moment she noticed that she was still holding his hand. Discreetly she moved her hand back to her fork, taking a bite. Partially to put some space between them but mainly because she was simply enjoying their conversation. She didn't want it to get to be too much for him and have him shut down. He was being open and candid with her. This was the type of conversation she could see them having throughout their lifetime together. Meals where they discussed their days and talked about their lives.

He leaned back in his chair, taking Emma in. She was focused on her food now but he could tell that she was interested in what he was saying. Her earlier passion in defending him against Regina Mills had intrigued him, wondering if it was her distaste with the woman or protecting him that had caused her defense.

"I never wanted to be king. I wasn't ever supposed to be. I'm sure you've heard the phrase the heir and the spare. Some second born princes balk at it but I was always pleased by it. I never wanted the throne. Liam was far better suited for it."

"Tell me about him?"

She stood, picking up her plates and carrying it to the small kitchenette in their wing of the castle. She didn't want to appear to eager. If there was anything that she was beginning to learn about his it was that he spooked easily. The moment that he felt he was getting too comfortable he pulled back, retreating into what she assumed was his determination to hold on tight to the memory of Milah. She recognized it because she herself did it. The minute that she felt herself open up her heart in the slightest to him she reminded herself of Neal, of the way she'd foolishly trusted him. Every word he said she had believed wholeheartedly and at the end of the day she was left alone, without Neal and without their child. There had never been any inclination that she was in love alone but she was. It was never an experience that she ever wanted to have again. Never again would she open up to love without some sort of assurance that the other person was in it just as much as she was. Him still being hopelessly in love with his late wife was not such an assurance.

"What would you like to know?"

"Anything. I'm just curious."

"Liam was born and bred to be king. I mean obviously because he was the firstborn but it was also in his nature. He was organized and he was so diligent in maintaining a royal appearance. There was never a moment where he was unaware of his position and the eyes that were on him. He knew who he was and who he was to become. I think it guided him, stabilized him somehow. I benefited from that. He kept me on the straight and narrow. When I lost him Milah guided me. Without them I feel a bit as though I've been left without an anchor."

His vulnerability in that moment touched her, knowing without question that she wouldn't be able to share so freely with him with so little prompting.

"Killian, you're in your twenties. It's natural to feel a little aimless."

"Not when you're royalty. You're not allowed to think only about yourself. Your subjects expect you to be endlessly thinking of them. We hold their lives in our hands and thinking about only ourselves is a luxury that royalty simply doesn't get to have."

"Sounds like a heavy burden."

"Liam would have said it was a blessing. As the second born I had the ability to make the changes that I saw fit to make but I wasn't under so much obligation to the crown. When Liam died I didn't just lose my brother. I was shackled to a role that I never wanted. I suppose that I don't have to explain to you how that feels."

Biting her lip Emma watched him, emotions at war inside of her. Had he made that comment a month ago, even a week ago, she may have agreed with him. She herself had thought of this marriage as a golden cage. Now though she felt as if there was at least a base for friendship.

"Killian, I don't think of this marriage as a shackle."

"Perhaps not now lass, in this moment, but I believe you have. I believe perhaps you should."

Emma poured herself a glass of wine, kicking off her shoes, before moving to the couch in the adjoining living room. Turning to look back at Killian she gestured for him to come join her, which he did. Once he had settled on the couch next to her, his own glass of wine in hand, she turned towards him.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"I was born into this world Emma. It's what I've always known and from the moment Liam died I knew that there was no escaping his title. However, whenever it got to be too much Milah was there and she was this light on a dark horizon. Until the light was snuffed out and the weight of living without them and the weight of this kingdom all came bearing down on me all at once. It's what drove me out on my bike. I wanted as far away from this place as much as I could, for as long as I could. When you and I met all I cared about was fulfilling that ridiculous law. But you don't deserve this. The freedom that you sought is there but there's an entirely different kind of freedom that you're going to be losing out on."

"I thought that too, early on, but there's always tradeoffs in life aren't there? I haven't had the expectations put on me that you have but there has been some sort of expectations. Whether or not it was you I was always expected to get married at some point. Settle down, have a family."

"Would they have forced you? Your parents?"

"Not really. I mean how do you force a grown woman? But there would have been endless set ups, blind dates, and accidental meetings. Endless comments about how even if I was happy in my life wouldn't I be so much happier if I just had someone to share it with? After I came back from the Peace Corp I had to put up with my mom endlessly trying to convince me to forgive my ex. I swear if she hadn't found a way to get me married to you she'd still be on it. Granted I never told her why we split up but she believes that there's nothing that true love can't fix."

"Was it true love?"

"My nineteen-year-old self thought so. But I suppose true love doesn't leave scars like that."

He wanted to ask more, to find out what this former love of hers had done that hurt her so deeply. He had watched her demeanor change during their conversation until now she sat forward, instead of facing in his direction as she had been earlier. Her eyes were averted and she was looking anywhere but at him. While her hair was hanging in front of her face, blocking it from his view, the tremor in her shoulders told her that if tears weren't already trekking down her face they would be soon. Unable to sit there as she revisited what appeared to be a very painful part of her face he moved closer on the sofa, placing his hand on her back and rubbing his thumb back in forth in a comforting motion. He felt her back stiffen and she leaned away, causing him to pull back as well.

"Emma, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push."

Wiping tears from her face she turned, attempting to smile.

"No, Killian. You didn't do anything wrong."

"You seemed so sad love."

"He was just a guy, from a long time ago. But he's still alive so who am I to complain. Here I am getting comforted by a man who lost the love of his life."

"You get to feel your pain. When I lost my Milah I knew she loved me, beyond all reason. I can't imagine the pain of having to go on with my life knowing that she was out there and had simply left me. I take it it wasn't an amicable ending?"

"No. He seemed to be having a more amicable relationship with the woman that he was in bed with, in our home and our bed."

Rage boiled up in him, a desire to protect that he hadn't had since Milah. The walls that she had made more sense now.

"You were living with him?"

"I mean no but yes. I had my hut and he had his but he stopped using his a few months after we got to our base. I had a key and went to pick something up. The door wasn't locked though and when I went in he and Tamara, that was her name, were in bed. I mean technically it wasn't my bed but we basically had both places. I never felt like I couldn't go there."

"I'm very sorry that happened to you love but you must know that it was nothing to do with you. You're a marvel Swan and if he made you think anything less then he's the fool, not you."

His words settled into a corner of her heart that she felt had been empty for a very long time. She had never told her parents that Neal had cheated on her, never told them about the baby that she had been carrying until the stress of losing him cost her that as well. For some reason, despite how much she knew her parents loved her, they had assumed that the relationship ending was more Emma's responsibility than Neal's and her mother in particular had made her feel that it was her obligation to give him another chance. Somehow, despite the love of her family she had always felt as though she was never quite enough. Always lacking in some way. With Killian though it was different. Although she knew that he didn't love her, that he was still in love with his first wife, she didn't doubt the sincerity in the words that he spoke. There was no doubt in her mind that when he said that the way that her relationship ended was not her fault in any way he was being completely sincere. The thought alone terrified her. The more time she spent with him the more time she wanted to spend with him. He calmed her in a way that she had never experienced before and as much as she liked it left her feeling slightly uncomfortable. She had been the one to ask for friendship and the potential for more. However now she was in this and already, just a few weeks into her young marriage, she was starting to find that there were stirrings of feelings for her husband. Which would be fine if he felt the same but she was certain he didn't. From the start he had made it abundantly clear that Milah was it for him. He had assured her that he would try and that he would make an effort to be her friend, because really what other alternative did he have? Wanting more from him when he had made his limitations completely clear seemed to be a lesson in futility. Her heart had already been broken once by loving a man who didn't love her back. When she had said never again she meant it.

"I need to go."

"Where?"

He was surprised by her sudden declaration as they had been having a fine conversation, although he knew from experience that sometimes revisiting an old wound brought to the surface things that you may want to stay buried.

"Out. On my bike."

She hadn't taken it out since before the wedding, afraid of doing anything that would displease her new family. Now though she felt that familiar urge to run.

"Why don't I grab my bike and we can go for a ride together?" His eyes looked hopeful, so much so that she hated to disappoint him, but right now it wasn't the palace she needed to escape but the prince who lived there.

"I appreciate the offer, and normally I would take you up on it but I think I need to be alone right now. To clear my head."

She smiled but it felt forced to, even to her.

"Another time then."

"Absolutely. Another time."

Without another word she stood and walked out of the room leaving a bemused Killian in her wake. He had really felt like they were connecting but he had seen her walls go up in an instant, as if she had built them out of brick and mortar. Those walls had been fine with him just a few short weeks ago. Now though he felt a desire to scale those walls. What that meant he didn't want to examine too closely. As quickly as he realized it he was all too pleased that she had denied his request to accompany her. Like her he headed to his bike to get some distance between him and his confusing feelings.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

"The answer is no, Mother. I think I've filled my quota for pleasing parliament this year."

"This isn't a request Killian. You are the prince and Emma is the princess. Your subjects want to see you."

"We had a press conference. They've seen us."

"That was before your honeymoon. Now in just a week the two of you will be off leaving again for a couple of months. I don't understand why you're being so stubborn about this."

"Because I don't want to be a marionette, mother. Nor do I want Emma to be."

"You care about her."

Killian felt his irritation starting to grow, suddenly wishing that he were already on the extended trip that he would be leaving on in just a week's time. He hated this feeling that he had no control over his own life.

"Of course, I care about her but how about you not try to change the subject. You asked me to get married to fulfill some stupid law. I did it. Is there always going to be something you're going to be asking of me?"

"You're the prince Killian. You have responsibilities."

"Sod my responsibilities. You're my mother. Last I checked that title came with some responsibilities as well. Or are the only responsibilities that matter to you the responsibilities that come with the crown? Put me first mother. Protect me, not just the crown."

"I'm not asking you to do anything dangerous. It's a party, that's all."

"Where I'll be expected to play the part of doting husband and Emma must play the loving wife."

"It's been weeks. They need to see that you're adjusting to married life. Your marriage is less than traditional and your subjects need to see that you're settling into it. There's concern about the potential for future royals. Polls show that a quarter of the kingdom sees this as proof that the crown should be abolished. We need to stop that number from rising."

"Well I'm certainly glad that someone's feelings are being taken into consideration because God knows mine aren't."

"Killian, that's not fair. You're a royal. You know that sometimes it requires unpleasant sacrifice."

"Really? What unpleasant sacrifice are you being asked to make? What have you given up for the crown? You married the man you loved. No law forced you. No one questioned your claim to the crown when you didn't produce an heir immediately. You and Dad are young and healthy. Not stepping down any time soon. But sure, I'll sacrifice one more time for the crown, and probably many times after that. Throw your party Mother. What I want was never going to take priority anyways."

He didn't give her a chance to speak before storming out of the room. Heading directly to the gardens he was so angry that he could barely see straight. He had never talked to his mother the way he had just spoken to her but when she asked for yet another show for the people, yet another request for parliament, he hadn't been able to control himself. He loved his mother and he knew that she loved him. The crown had been creating friction between them for years though, since Liam had died. When he became the sole heir to the throne their dynamic changed in a way that was inescapable. From that time the expectations that had been reserve for Liam had settled on his shoulders. It was Milah that had helped him bear the burden of a title he had never wanted. Her grace and compassion extended to his mother at every turn, frequently reminding him that his future burdens were his mother's current burden. Her perspective grounded him, like she always did in every way. When she died he knew that his mother tried to give him room to grieve, to let her go in his time, but he also knew that she couldn't understand his inability to move on. When Liam died she had thrown herself even more fully into her world as queen. He was certain that it was only his father's utter devotion to her that had kept their marriage stable as she buried herself in business trips and sessions in parliament. It had tapered off after time, not satiating the pain but dulling it. When Milah died he was determined not to let that happen, the moving on that felt an awful lot like forgetting. So he spent his days out on his bike remembering moment after moment of their life together.

"Killian?"

The last thing he wanted was to have to put on a calm face with his anger so close to the surface but her voice cut through the rage, urging it down.

"Emma."

"You okay? I saw you come out here looking like the house was on fire. If you need time alone just let me know and I'll give it to you. I just…I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Aye love. I'm alright. A bit of a row with my mother is all."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really but seeing as you will be affected by our conversation I don't see another alternative."

"Well, that doesn't sound good. So, let's hear it."

He turned his back away from her so he missed the look of fear that passed across her face. She wasn't sure what she was expecting but her innate nature in recent years had been to expect the worse in any situation.

"My mother wants to throw a ball for us before we leave."

"A ball? Seriously? Why?"

"Something about the kingdom wanting to see us before we depart for a few months."

Based on his experience previously with her being told what to do he expected fully that she was going to lash out and get angry that yet another request was being made of her. His own anger was barely under control and he wasn't sure that she was going to be able to deal with her anger as well. While he was frustrated with his mother he had never been one to allow people to say a bad word about her. She was his mother to get angry at but he would defend her to the death from anyone else. If Emma spoke against her, while he was already angry, he was terrified that he would somehow damage their fragile relationship.

"Okay. So, we have a ball. Why does that upset you so much?"

"I just want to live Emma. I'm over being in the spotlight. I don't want to put on a show. Whatever our marriage becomes it's up to you as much as it is to me but it's not up to the kingdom. It's not up to parliament and it's not up to my mother. We've gotten closer. I know that and you know that but that doesn't mean that I want it to be pushed, or rushed in any way."

"A party might be fun."

"Have you been to one of these parties before Emma? It's not fun. It's stuffy and boring. It's members of parliament staring at us trying to figure out how well our marriage is going."

"Can we alter that? I'm sure your mom would understand if we were to ask for the party to be more of an informal affair. Especially since you're not really interested in having it to begin with."

"I wish but my mother is fairly old school when it comes to the kingdom. If we let down our guard in any ways she sees it as potentially giving the kingdom reason to doubt our rule. While everyone else gets to be human we must be more than that. It doesn't cross her mind to care whether it's something that may be difficult, or impossible. It's what's expected."

"That wasn't my experience with her. She was very concerned with not just your needs, but mine as well."

"She was very gracious when she was trying to get you to agree to marry me. I'll give you that. And she meant what she said. But she was on her best behavior. My mother is very prim and proper. Far more than people realize."

"It sounds a bit like you're saying that your mother tricked me into marrying you."

"No, that's not the case. But she made it sound like there wouldn't necessarily be any demands and expectations on us. However, there are. It's the fact of being a royal and as much as I wish it were otherwise that is the reality of our life. My frustration with this party is that I feel that we have already done quite enough for the kingdom, and to please parliament. To have my mother asking for more seems to be pushing a few of my buttons."

Pushing her luck Emma reached out, placing her hand on his arm. He had turned away from her, staring out at the gardens. His jaw was clenched and she could see a muscle pulsing along it. As her hand touched his arm he tensed momentarily but quickly relaxed, before taking the hand on his arm into his opposing hand.

"Fancy a walk lass?"

She smiled as he led her out onto the pathways leading into the castle's immense gardens. They stayed quiet as they walked among the tall lattices covered in varying forms of flowers. It felt as though it were a scene from a movie, as the fragrance of roses filled Emma's nose.

"So, you really don't mind the thought of this party?"

"It's an opportunity to dress up Killian. I'm a girl. We revel in this type of thing."

They both knew that it wasn't true. She was not the girl that lived for parties and dresses. It was one of the things that had made her so perfect for the role of princess. For all the luxuries it brought the frivolous things needed to not be the most important.

"Party it is then. Not that I could have stopped my mother if I wanted to. She's the queen. Ultimately, she makes the decisions about this type of thing. Since my mother was born to the crown she has even more authority than the king."

"That's kind of awesome. A woman being the ultimate in charge."

"She does a good job of it. It's just that sometimes I find myself wondering what she would choose if faced with a choice. Me or the kingdom."

"It's got to be a hard balance for her. Being a mother and a ruler."

"I think it's hard but she so effortlessly puts my needs to the side for the kingdom that it doesn't seem like it. If that makes sense."

"You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm sure she fights for you when it's needed but ultimately if someone pushes her and she makes a choice she's the one that tells you. She could let parliament dictate things to you so that she didn't have to be the bearer of bad news. From my understanding though every time it has come down to doing something that you might object to she has come and told you herself. It must be hard to do Killian but you really should try to see it from her point of view."

The words were so familiar, it was as if he had heard them a million times. Perhaps he had. They were words Milah had spoken time and again. Reminding him to be patient with his mother, reminding him to be compassionate. When he had stormed away from his mother he had fully expected that Emma would be angry about the party. This calm and soothing presence pleased him almost as much as it unsettled him. He was used to her being completely different from Milah. Her opposite in almost every way. Where Milah had always been mild-mannered Emma was outspoken and bold. Where Milah had wanted to stay close to home Emma yearned to travel outside the confines of the kingdom. There had been so little similarity between them up to now that he wasn't sure how to react to it. On one hand he appreciated the calming presence she provided him but on the other the words she said made him think of Milah and the wound that he was trying to heal was re-opened.

"Tell me something about who you are now Killian. Something about who you've become in the last few years."

"Something about me-self?"

"Yes. Loss shapes a person. Tell me something about you that wasn't true before Milah passed away."

He thought quietly, wondering what brought about the change in topics. Had it been so easy to read on his face that he was thinking about Milah? If it were he better find a way to control his features so that his new wife didn't feel that he was always thinking of his old wife.

"I play guitar."

"And that's new?"

"Yes. Milah and I stayed closed to him and while I learned growing up to play some of the more traditional instruments I had never learned to play guitar. After she passed, and I began spending more and more time away from the castle, I had to fill that time somehow. A lot it I spent remembering my time with Milah but at the same time I spent a lot of it trying to forget. I'd take day trips outside the kingdom on my bike to get away from her memory haunting me everywhere I went in Misthaven. In one of the small neighboring kingdom's I went to a pub and a young man taught me to play the acoustic guitar. Since coming home I've taken it upon myself to continue learning."

"Perhaps you could play for me sometime? Or for you parents?"

"My parents don't know that I've learned. I fear I don't tell them much about myself anymore. Not because I don't want to but because I don't always think to. Frequently our conversations turn towards our kingdom and the opportunity to share what's going on in my life seems to fall away."

"Well then I'm honored you've shared that with me."

"Turnabout is fair play darling. Tell me something that's new about you since your relationship ended with your ex."

"My bike. I never had a reason to run in my life. My parents were good to me and I genuinely had a good life. Going into the Peace Corp was truly meant to be an opportunity for me to give something back. My experiences there though kicked into overdrive the desire to run when things got to be too difficult. I've done that since he left."

"You didn't run when it came to marrying me."

"You've no idea how much I wanted to. I barely made it down the aisle."

"I barely showed as well."

She smiled but he could see the sadness behind it. That had been their wedding day and for both of them it had been nothing more than duty. While his heart hurt for himself it broke for her. He had had the grand wedding with a great love. The request that he marry her had robbed her of that.

"Stop that Killian."

"Stop what?"

"Stop thinking whatever it is you're thinking. Your guilt is written all over your face and you have nothing to be guilty about."

"How can you read me so well already?"

"You're not that complicated really."

"I supposed you're a bit of an open book at times as well."

"Oh, am I now?"

"Sure. Like right now you're kind of irritated and you're wanting to prove me wrong, even if you have to say that I'm wrong even if I'm right."

He had her in a bind. She either admitted that he was right or she would be forced to lie to him. If she did that she would know that he was completely accurate, even if he didn't.

"So you can tell when I'm annoyed with you. Big deal. Honestly, you had like a seventy-five percent chance of being right on that one."

Her smiled was wide but he saw a slight discomfort hiding behind her eyes. She didn't like being vulnerable and she didn't like him being able to see her so clearly. He was certain that she was itching to run at this point.

"I think seventy-five percent is a bit of a high number lass. Can't be more than sixty. Are you ready to head back? If we're to have a party there's much to be done."

"Won't your mother and the staff handle that?"

"Well if we want to stop it from being an utterly boring affair we may want to be around to provide our input."

"Well to the castle it is."

Two weeks later found Killian standing in the living area of he and Emma's suite in the castle waiting for her to make her appearance. He had been ready nearly an hour before but he understood that this was important to her. There had been outings with him as princess and there had been the one press conference but this was the first formal event. Despite their request to keep it small he knew that the press would be there and as he was certain that he wouldn't be able to stay by her side the whole evening the vultures would surely descend. Once out of Misthaven she would start taking formal leadership classes but as of now she was completely ill prepared to answer their questions. That was saying nothing of the vapid tabloid magazines that would be critiquing everything about her appearance, from her hair to her shoes. So called experts would be picking her apart, particularly if they weren't supporters of the crown. So if she needed some additional time to prepare, mentally as well as physically, he would happily wait all evening. As he reflected it didn't escape his notice how concerned he was for her. As the days had gone by since his mother informed them of party his irritation had faded, replaced with an uneasiness that he knew was due in large part to his fear that the public would be hard on her. He had no reason to fear it. The press reports delivered to his room at least twice a week by Robin indicated that she was well received. The majority of the kingdom had embraced her but sometimes a vocal minority had the ability to drown out everyone else.

"Killian?"

He looked up and immediately had trouble catching his breath. She looked beyond amazing. Even the fiercest critic would have trouble finding fault with her tonight. She was wearing an emerald green off the shoulder dress with a tulle ball gown and her hair was braided loosely to one side with curled tendrils escaping the braid and framing her face. The green of the dress brought out the green in her eyes and the red of her lips made her entirely too kissable.

"Emma, you look amazing. You're a vision."

"You don't look so bad yourself."

She cast a look down and although he had just told her how beautiful she was she looked insecure, as though she didn't quite believe him. Given what he knew about her last relationship it didn't surprise him that she struggled with taking his word at face value. Walking over to her he took her hand in his and with the index finger of his other hand lifted her chin.

"Emma, seriously. You're breathtaking. Don't doubt it for a second."

She smiled, the joy reaching her eyes for the first time since entering the room, and he again felt his breathe catch in his throat.

"Thank you Killian. I know I shouldn't feel insecure but I just don't want to let anyone down. Especially you or your family."

Keeping his grip on her hand he led her to the sofa and indicated for her to sit down. Once they were seated he turned towards her, keeping her hand in his as he faced her.

"Emma, you don't have to worry about letting us down. We don't have a rule book or a list of expectations. If we did you've more than met every single one. You're a wonderful person and sometimes I get caught up in my own life that I forget to tell you how grateful I am that it's you that I married. That your mom sent in that letter. When I agreed to this marriage you and I both know that I didn't expect a single positive thing but I'm so pleased I was wrong. We may not be in love but I think we're becoming great friends. Relax. You're doing far better than I ever imagined."

He smiled but stopped talking, feeling for the first time like great friends wasn't an adequate description of how he viewed her. He always knew that she was beautiful and he was definitely attracted to her. This wasn't that. He wanted to take care of her, even though he knew without a shadow of a doubt that she could take care of herself. It wasn't just that physically he wanted her. That he could deal with but the fact that he found himself drawn to her, emotionally, was what unsettled him. He fidgeted nervously before scratching behind his ear and getting to his feet.

"We should probably go. My mother will be waiting."

She saw the shift in his demeanor but chose to say nothing, instead taking the arm he offered and following him to the ballroom.

Entering the ballroom Emma was taken aback by the opulence around her. Killian had asked his mother to keep the event small but there had to be at least a couple hundred people.

"Killian…"

He looked back and he could see fear in her eyes. Fear of what he wasn't sure but he felt for her. He had grown up in this world but it was all brand new for her. Before she could speak though the Queen approached with the king by her side, both looking every bit the royalty that they were.

"Killian, Emma. I'm so glad that you're here."

"It's not like you gave us a choice Mother."

Although his irritation about being forced to attend the event had decreased it was still easy to lash out a bit when treated like if he had an option he wouldn't be somewhere else.

"Killian, there is press everywhere. Please control yourself."

Her tone gave little room for argument and as much as he wanted to snark back at her he knew that she was right. With the press around even the slightest word out of line could be potential front page news. At just that moment a woman with chin length dark hair, perfectly coifed, dressed in a black form fitting dress approached the foursome. He didn't miss the way that Emma's back stiffened at her appearance and knew in an instant who she was.

"Regina Mills, if my assumption is correct?"

"Your assumption is correct, Your Highness. Such a privilege to make your acquaintance."

He didn't like the way that her eyes lingered on him, looking him up and down. It was as though she was appraising him. Reaching to his side he put his hand on the small of Emma's back, drawing her closer.

"I'm sure you remember my wife, Princess Emma."

"Of course."

He watched as her eyes narrowed, ever so slightly. If he hadn't been watching so closely he would have missed it himself.

"So Princess Emma have you gotten the chance to look over any of the financials for the group home that I sent you? You seemed so concerned that I was certain I'd hear back from you nearly instantaneously."

Killian prepared to speak but before he could get a word out Emma inhaled, signaling him that she was prepared to do battle without his assistance.

"I'm surprised that you remember that I had any interest whatsoever Miss Mills given your interest in my marriage and how you felt about it. However, to answer your question, I just received your financials yesterday. I have not had a chance to review them but I assure you that while Killian and I are away we'll be reviewing them and we'll schedule a Skype conference with you regarding them. I'm eager to see how we can work together to improve the lives of those children."

She had Regina and they all knew it. For her to continue would be baiting the princess right in front of the royal family and that was not something that would be tolerated. The king and queen would ask her to leave and that would be that. She continued to regard Emma with barely restrained distaste but kept quiet while conversation flowed around them. After a few minutes the orchestra began playing a song and Killian took the opportunity to move them away from her.

"Emma, would you care to dance?"

She nodded, grateful for the opportunity to get away from her, and followed him onto the dance floor. He placed his arms around her waist, drawing her close, and she rested her arms on his.

"Thank you for getting me away from her. I don't know what I ever did to her but she definitely does not like me."

"Yeah, I got that impression. Seems to be a bit of jealousy."

"Oh, because you're such a prize right." She looked up at him, her green eyes sparkling with laughter. She was so appealing that before he knew what was happening he lowered his head, surprising them both as he kissed her for the first time in a room crowded with people.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

Even in the crowded room she couldn't stop herself from pulling back abruptly. It felt too good. His lips on hers, his hands flexing on her hips. She never wanted it to stop, which was exactly why she had to put a stop to it now. He didn't want her. He may have been drawn in by the dancing and the music and the fancy dress. That wasn't reality though and when he came back to what was she would be left crashing again. She had believed in something that wasn't real before and she couldn't do it again. As much as she loved the feeling of kissing him one of them had to be rational and right now it appeared that it was going to have to be back.

"Emma…"

"Killian, don't. We can't talk about it right now. We've got to get through the rest of this evening and we can talk about it back in our wing of the castle. Seems like a crazy thing to say."

She smiled but it was a ghost of the smiles she had given him earlier.

"Wait here. I'll be right back."

He walked away for a couple minutes and watched as he approached his parents, talking animatedly. While they were talking, she tried to calm her racing heart. How could she be feeling this much for him already? Being attracted to him she could handle but the feelings she was developing for him scared her to death. However, before she could speculate much further he was back at her side, his hand on her elbow.

"Come on."

"No, We're here in the middle of a party. A party that is for us."

"This party isn't for us. It's for parliament and the people."

"So they can see us. Which they can't do if we're not here."

"I'm not asking you to leave for the whole night. We need to talk and I don't want tension hanging between us until the night is over. Besides if I know you, and I feel like I'm starting to, you would have found a way to get away from me before we were able to talk if we wait."

She sighed from frustration over his insistence but alos partially because he already seemed to know her so well.

"Fine, but we can't be gone long."

He smiled at her determination not to disappoint in any way. That's why she didn't want to leave the party and he knew that. If the people wanted to see her she wanted to be available to them. She walked by his side to their wing, quietly. What she expected to happen she wasn't sure but whatever it was made her nervous. The unknown wasn't her favorite thing and she felt as though she'd been experiencing it a lot lately. Her equilibrium felt off. Once in their living room Killian turned to her, his expression open and vulnerable. Still he didn't speak.

"So you were determined to talk. Let's talk."

"I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what to feel."

"You pushed for this conversation now but you didn't know what you wanted to say or how you felt? You feel what you feel. You don't feel what you don't feel. I understand Killian. I do, really. A party like that amps up romantic urges. You kissed me as much because of the atmosphere as because you like me."

"So that's how you've decided I feel?"

He was smiling but she was some trepidation in his eyes. It was a habit she had formed while she was with Neal, telling him how he felt. He had always been a bit stand offish but every time she speculated about how he felt he agreed with her. Now she knew it was because he wasn't invested at all. He liked having someone but she also got the distinct feeling he had also liked the thrill of juggling two women. As though it made him feel like more of a man, although in her mind it made him far less of one.

"I'm sorry Killian. I haven't had very many relationships and I've never really been with anyone willing to tell me how they feel. I guess I've just gotten used to guessing."

She looked sheepish, almost like she was afraid that she had done something wrong. Part of him wanted to delve into it, to walk through the murky waters of her past relationship with her, but he knew now wasn't the time. His mother hadn't been thrilled at them leaving but he reminded her of their desire to see his marriage become real. That meant that he was going to have to make it priority. Still he knew that on this night their obligation was to the people attending the party and their disappearance had to be short. He felt that he had two options. He could either continue to let her work herself up or he could show her how he felt. Choosing the second of the options he leaned down again, once again brushing his lips against hers. When he pulled back he took her left hand, wearing his ring, in his hand and looked down at her. Her eyes were filled with something that he couldn't identify, something that he didn't want to study too closely.

"I'm not regretting kissing you Emma. Just because I don't know exactly what it means or exactly what to call what I feel for you doesn't mean that I don't know that there's something here between us."

"What if I was regretting kissing you? Did you ever think of that? Huh?"

Laughter danced in her eyes and he was ecstatic that he could relieve some of the trepidation that he had seen there moments before. He could tell her until he was blue in the face how he felt but he was learning that she seemed to thrive more on actions. Lacing his fingers with hers he led her back to the party, both unaware of the smiles that were on their faces.

It was five minutes later that King Brennan felt an elbow jam into his side.

"Louisa, what is it?"

"Look…"

Following her eyes, he looked across the room surprised to see Killian and Emma walking in, hands linked and smiles stretching across their face.

"What do you think this means?"

"I think this means, dear wife, that our son is beginning to open his heart. But don't get ahead of yourself. This is a step but there will be many more."

She didn't speak, instead keeping her gaze fixed on her son. Her husband may be restrained in his hope but hers would not be dimmed. She saw a life in his eyes that she had not seen since long before Milah passed away. A life that he hadn't seen since before the horrible day that they had gotten her diagnosis.

"I can hear your thoughts Louisa. I'm begging you please don't get too far ahead of them."

"I'm just hopeful. Is that wrong?"

"Not wrong but they've already got the expectations of an entire kingdom on their shoulders. The least we can do is not place even more expectation on them. Perhaps they will heal each other, and I do believe that it will happen, but I also fully expect that we'll see some steps forward and steps backwards. No pressure Louisa."

She smiled a small smile before turning back to look at her son. Discreetly she watched as he stood close to his wife, his hand never moving far from the small of her back. When Emma turned to look at him there was a new look in her eye, something she hadn't seen before. It wasn't love. It was too soon for that but there was definitely a spark of something there. Something that spoke of fondness and the growth of new feelings. As she walked to their side she wondered at the new closeness between them.

"Emma, Killian. How was your conversation?"

"Private mother. That's how our conversation was."

Despite his happiness at the newfound ease with Emma he still felt himself bristling with his mother. It was a new experience, something he didn't what to get comfortable with. While there had always been something beneath the surface of his relationship with her they had always been close. Being as he was coming to be quite okay with being married to the wife his family had chosen for him he was confused by what continually had him itching for a fight, particularly with his mother.

"Killian, please. I wasn't asking for specifics. You left the party to discuss something of importance and I'm simply inquiring as to whether you got everything resolved or not. This is not something that is a matter of national security."

"Everything is fine mother. We discussed what needed to be discussed and now we're back, doing our due diligence."

Louisa knew when to cut her losses with her son. For years she had taken a step back, immersing herself in her work to fight her urge to meddle in his personal life. She had no doubt that he felt like she just hadn't been interested in his life but the reality was she just didn't know how to relate to him. He was more like his father and Liam had always been more like her. Stoic and understanding of the weight of the title that he was going to be asked to bear. Where Liam, and herself, had always felt it was a privilege to lead the people of Misthaven for Killian she knew it had always been an unwanted burden. There was nothing to be done about it though. He was the future king and as such she had tried to balance her desire to prepare him for that role with her desire to not push her son. For years she had stayed more on the side of letting him grieve in whatever manner he saw fit, which frequently led to her picking up more responsibility that she would be typically be attempting to train him to take upon himself. It was clear now though that he resented her for her decision to leave him to his own devices. To be sure he would have also resented her for pushing him to take part in the leading of the country so soon after his wife's death. There really was no way to truly make him happy in this instance.

"Louisa…"

"I think Your Highness is more appropriate in this setting Emma."

In an instant she wished she hadn't said it. Emma looked as though she had stricken her and Killian's face went from annoyed to angry in just an instant.

"Killian, make sure that you keep control of your temper. I can see that you're upset, and if I can see that so can everyone else."

"I completely understand, Your Highness."

The formality cut at her and she felt wounded. The intended outcome she feared.

"I believe that my wife and I will go mingle. Please advise the press and the guests that we will be making out departure in no more than one hour. Any conversations or photo opportunities will need to be wrapped up by then."

Without another word he placed his hand back on Emma's lower back, his protectiveness of her clear in the way that he stood as close as possible. For Emma's part she looked confused, and she no doubt wondered what she had done wrong to cause the queen to ask her to be more formal. Remembering back to the day she had met Emma it was her that insisted that Emma call her Louisa and now it must seem as though there must be an underlying reason for her asking to be called your highness. She remembered telling Emma when they first met that she could call her Your Highness if they were ever in public together but she had never called her that. She wanted to apologize but she knew her son and knew that now was not the time to approach him. His patience was already being tested by having to be there and now he felt as though she had slighted his wife. As a member of parliament with her husband approached her the queen reset her shoulders and prepared to return to her task of leading, even at the detriment of her relationship with her son.

"Killian, we don't need to leave early. So your mother wants me to call her Your Highness in public. I should have known that in public settings I would need to show a little more decorum."

"Did she tell you to call her Louisa?"

"Yes, but she also told me that she would let me know when I needed to be more formal. In fact if I remember correctly she told me that I should call her your highness if we were ever in public together. It's not a big deal. I slipped and she corrected me. No harm done."

While he could see that she was meant what she said he also knoew that he hadn't imaged the hurt and confusion in her eyes. For all her bravado his wife had a sensitive sprirt and he hated to see her hurt ,even if did recognize that his mother would never intentionally hurt her.

"We really don't have to leave early. I'm a big girl. And I don't want to cause any problems between your and your mother."

"If there was an issue over this it wouldn't be something you caused. You've done nothing wrong, but don't worry yourself. There's not an issue with me and my mother, at least nothing that wasn't there long before you came along."

The words both healed and hurt her heart. It was nice to hear that she hadn't come between him and his mother but the notion that their relationship was still strained made her heart ache in a way that she was unfamiliar with. She smiled and he was certain that she really was okay. However she was also certain that he wanted to leave early now more than ever. The feelings that he was beginning to feel for her made him feel slightly euphoric, followed closely by a strong sense of apprehension. He had never dated as an adult. Milah had come along while I was still a teenager and passed when he was barely into his twenties. At times it felt as though he had lived an entire lifetime in those years with her.

"If it's okay I'd still like to go. It would be nice to spend some quiet time before we leave for Barcelona."

"So we've settled on our first destination then?"

"Mother has us scheduled to meet with the Prime Minister early next week."

"I had hoped I'd have some time for lessons before we'd start having meetings with government officials."

"That would have been ideal but unfortunately this was the best opportunity for us to meet with them. Don't worry though. Most of these meetings are of an introductory nature. My mother wants me to meet more heads of state because as we're training you for your role as princess I'm being brought up to speed with my duties. It's my understanding that the grooming for the throne is being expedited due to public interest."

Before she was able to speak she heard someone approaching from behind her. It was the way that Killian's back stiffened at the approaching person that concerned her most though. Immediately it was as though all the color had drained from his face.

"If it isn't our missing in action prince and his mail order bride. Miss Swan, pleasure to meet you."

"I would expect that since you are here tonight you should know to approach my wife in a more appropriate manner. You may call her Your Highness, or at the very least Princess Emma."

"Of course. Where have my manners gone? Your Highness."

Without her granting permission he took her hand in hers, lifting it to his lips, as he bowed at the waist. The words and the gesture were both dripping in condescension and contempt.

"Clearly you are at an advantage as you know who I am. Who are you?"

"My name is Robert Gold, Your Highness. I am the newest member of parliament."

Once again her eyes flitted to Killian, who had gone from ghostly pale to a sick colored green.

"How did you ever become a member of parliament?"

"If the young prince were even remotely interested in the leading of his country perhaps he would already be in the loop on this matter."

"I've been getting up to speed and I assure you Mr. Gold that if I were in the loop on this matter you would have never received the position."

"As if you can stop progress."

"I can stop appointments to parliament that I feel are not in the best interest of this kingdom and you in any position of leadership is certainly not in this kingdom's best interest."

"One man's opinion of course."

"I know the facts Robert. It is not just an opinion that you are unfit. It is a certainty. Now, if you don't mind my wife and I were just preparing to leave."

There was not another word spoken as he led Emma away from the strange man who had left him so unsettled. Despite her curiosity she stayed quiet as they approached his mother.

"Mother, how did Robert Gold end up as a member of parliament?"

"Archibald Hopper passed away not long ago. The party nominated him and he won the highest number of votes. It did happen rather suddenly but it's not as though we had advanced warning of Archie's death."

"He's not fit to be a member of parliament. There has to be a way to undo this."

"Had you been in the meetings at the time of his nomination then perhaps the vote could have been swayed but as it stands now he is a member of parliament."

"It's common knowledge that he's against the monarchy mother. He wants to abolish the throne and have a democracy, like in America."

"I don't know where you get such ideas."

"Every piece of information I've been able to dig up on him? Did anyone even look into him?"

"I don't want to put too much emphasis on this, Killian, but you have not had a presence in the leadership of this kingdom. I have stayed back and not pushed the issue, instead allowing you the freedom to grieve as you see fit. For that reason though I would hope that you would understand how someone that you don't like may have slipped through the cracks."

As usual lately the tension between them was pulpable. A push and pull that never seemed to go away.

"Mom, I don't want to fight about this. Apparently there's nothing that can be done but I'm not interested in seeing Robert Gold's face any more tonight."

"Honestly Killian I don't know what you have against the man. What has he ever done to you?"

"To me, nothing. But you have no idea the things he's done. If you did trust me you would be as appalled with him taking a leadership position in this kingdom as I am."

He didn't continue speaking, instead reaching behind him to take Emma's hand, lacing his fingers with hers. It was amazing how quickly he had become accustomed to reaching for her, to drawing strength from her. When they reached their wing of the castle they parted for a few minutes, going to their rooms to change their clothes. She changed into an oversized grey sweater with a pair of black leggings while he changed into a pair of black track pants and a white v-neck t-shirt . They found each other again about fifteen minutes later in the living and it took no time for Emma to jump back into the issue she'd seen downstairs.

"Who is he Killian?"

"He's a bastard. I don't know how he got into his position but I have to find a way to get rid of him. If he has the chance he'll destroy the monarchy."

Emma didn't want to push but she also didn't want to have to feel as though she couldn't ask questions. Killian had never been passionate about the crown and his reaction to Robert Gold had been visceral. He was sickened by him and it didn't ring true to what she knew about him that his reaction was simply because of the man's views about the crown. Plenty of people in the kingdom felt as as though the crown should be abolished. They were extremists whose wishes would never come to fruition. While they had their desires the kingdom was steeped in tradition and the House of Jones had been good to the people of Misthaven.

"Was there something that happened between the two of you that makes you feel so strongly about him?"

For a moment an expression that she didn't recognize crossed his face and she wondered if she should have just let it be. She remembered how every time she would ask Neal about his childhood he would get sullen and withdrawn. After a while she stopped asking because she didn't want to hurt him by bringing up unpleasant things. It was the times that she pried too much that he seemed to shun her and eventually she learned to just not ask questions.

"I've not told anyone why I hate him so much. Not even my parents. I've not been able to bring myself to speak of it. Truthfully I had hoped that my word would have been good enough for my mother. I should have expected it wouldn't be though. It rarely as."

"So is it something you can tell me about or would you rather I just let it rest."

She was curious, there was no doubt about that. More than anything she wanted him to be able to unburden himself. She knew what it was to have something unspeakable in the past and if she could help lighten his load she wanted to be able to do that for him.

"I can trust you Emma. I don't doubt that. But I need you to understand that I don't wish for anyone to know what I'm about to tell you."

"Of course. Anything you say on this, nor any other topic, is between us. Call it spousal privilege."

He smiled briefly at her small attempt at a joke but whatever secret he had was weighing on him heavily and the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Did I ever tell you that Milah never knew her father?"

"I don't think you did. You've not really said much about her and I haven't wanted to pry."

"It was just her and her mother. Later in life her mother re-married but until she was fifteen it was just Milah and Rebecca. She knew nothing of her father since her mother wouldn't speak of him. The year that Milah died though she found out who he was."

Emma sensed that he already knew where the story was going but waited patiently allowing him to tell the story at his pace.

"Robert Gold is her father, although you're a smart lass and probably figured that out already. While she was going through the early stages of her diagnosis her mother told her who he was so that she could attempt to get a family medical history from him. It was at that time that she learned that she had a twin brother and Gold is some kind of caveman who believes men to be superior to women. He didn't see any value in having a daughter so he took the boy and left."

"How did he even get away with that?"

"He's got a lot of pull in some shady circles. He's good at making deals but keeping his hands clean. He had documents forged that would have destroyed Rebecca in family court. He told her that if she wouldn't give him the boy free and clear he'd take both the children from her and put Milah up for adoption. It was a difficult choice but she figured that losing one child would be better than losing both. After losing her son it hurt too much to talk about so she didn't tell Milah until she absolutely had to. Not that telling her did any good because Gold refused to help Milah in any way. Told her that he didn't want her, especially if she was defective. It was the most disgusting and heartless thing I've ever witnessed. Particularly as it had been clearly communicated to us that the end of her life was approaching."

Sitting next to him Emma was astounded by the information she had received. She had the strongest desire to wash her hand where the man had kissed it earlier. To hear of a father walking out on their child was hard enough but to hear of a father rejecting his dying child and calling them defective turned her stomach.

"Why don't you want people to know?"

"Not for his sake. That's for certain. It's all for Milah. I don't want her memory tainted by his evil. Perhaps it's silly but I don't want people to think differently of her."

She knew that people wouldn't judge Milah's memory by Robert Gold but she also knew that no amount of her telling him would lessen his concerns. Fear could be brutal.

"Did she at least learn who her brother was? Surely he would want to know his sister."

"Sadly she wasn't able to find out who he was. He apparently didn't relish being Gold's chosen child and changed his name when he turned eighteen. I believe that part of Gold's reason for becoming a member of parliament is to use our confidential resources to locate his son."

"Why does he hate you?"

"Because of her. He would prefer that her memory be buried along with her. I know what he's done and it's a game of wills between us. He knows, or believes, I won't say anything to preserve Milah's memory. He thinks me weak for choosing that over stopping him. To some people love is viewed as weakness."

She wasn't sure what to do or say. The romance from earlier had faded as his past once again seemed to settle between them. She had always known it was going to be a challenge being married to a man who had loved so completely before. In some respects she felt as though she were competing with a ghost and coming up short every time she felt as though she was making some headway.

"What are you thinking love? I know this was a lot to take in."

"It's nothing. Just processing."

"I thought I told you before that you're something of an open book."

A kind smile crossed his face and she flushed at how focused his blue eyes were on her. It was mildly embarrassing the way that he saw through her normally guarded façade. She wanted to tell him how she felt but at the same time she didn't want to rock the boat. They were having a conversation about his late wife and the terrible experiences she had with not knowing her father and yet she found herself thinking about their own relationship. Things were going so well and if she told him that her thoughts were on them, and not the secret he had just shared with her he may think that she was petty.

"Killian, it's really no big deal. I'll get over it."

He moved so that he was turned towards her and took her hand, lacing his fingers with hers.

"Emma look at me please."

She looked up, eyes full of trepidation to find his eyes full of warmth and compassion.

"I don't want you to get over it. I want us to get through it."

Although he was feeling slightly drained from the emotional toll of seeing Robert Gold he couldn't escape the fact that his wife seemed to need something from him at this moment. He couldn't do anything for Milah or for Gold. For Emma though he could give her all of his attention and make sure that she didn't feel alone in her marriage anymore. Looking down at her upturned face he saw a hesitation that he had seen before, time and again. His wife was fierce when challenged but when it came down to sharing raw emotion it seemed at times like she was paralyzed. Anger came easily. Vulnerability did not.

"It's hard for me Killian. I feel like I'm competing with a ghost and I don't know how to do it."

"How did our conversation lead to this?"

He didn't mean for the words to seem harsh but he was confused by the jump in topics and trying desperately to keep up.

"It didn't really. It's just earlier tonight we shared our first kiss and we're ending the night talking about your late wife. The moment we move forward something happens and I'm right back where I started. Playing interloper in my own marriage."

His lips lifted in a sort of half smile as he digested the words she was speaking. Her confusion and pain was palpable, but there was a soft vulnerability that he adored. It was a rare sight, his wife letting down her guard. She had had the opportunity to throw her walls back up but instead had pushed through what he was certain was no small amount of desire to run. Instead of holding her hand he pulled her towards him, pulling her back flush up against his side as he draped his right arm around her to grasp her left hand. As soon as she was nuzzled into his side he kissed the top of her head, which then dropped to his shoulder.

"You're not an interloper Emma. It's early for certain but I'm in this with you. I wanted to leave early tonight before Robert Gold appeared and it was all because I wanted time to be here with you. Just us. I would have been happy to have spent the evening kissing you but it seemed life was determined to throw us a curveball. But please don't misunderstand Emma. I am thoroughly enjoying developing our relationship, slow as it may be. I don't want to rush the process. I want to savor every bit of it."

She felt her smile and her body relaxed into him.

"We'll get it right Killian. Even though it seems a little bit like it's two steps forward and three steps back we'll get it right."

"Absolutely. We have all the time in the world."


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

 _2012:_

 _"Emma, are you here? I've tried calling and you're not answering."_

 _"Yeah, I'm in the living room."_

 _"Where have you been?"_

 _"I was taking a bath. I heard the phone ring but by the time that I got out of the bathtub and got to the phone I would have missed the call so I just decided to let it go."_

 _"Why didn't you call when you got out?"_

 _"Honestly, I didn't really think about it. I got busy doing something else and the phone call just slipped by mind."_

 _"I wish you wouldn't do that though. I worry when I can't get a hold of you. I call because I care and I feel like you just disregard that by ignoring my calls."_

 _"Neal, I wasn't ignoring your calls. I was in the bathtub and then I got busy around the house. We're working most days and I had some things that needed to get done."_

 _"You're treating me like a child Emma and I don't appreciate it."_

 _"How am I treating you like a child? I'm explaining."_

 _"You're patronizing me. This is just like you. I make a simple request and you turn it into an argument. But I'm willing to forgive you because I want to go out tonight and I want you to go with me."_

 _"Neal, I can't go out tonight. I have a project due tomorrow and I'm only half done. I have to focus tonight in order to get it done."_

 _"Come on, Emma. You never want to go out. I'm so tired of this. You weren't like this back home. You were willing to have fun. Ever since we joined the Peace Corp though you're like a stick in the mud."_

 _"I went out with you last weekend. It's not a forever no. We practically live together. It's not going to hurt for me to stay in to get some work done. Grab a movie. We can stay here and relax. I'll work on my project and you can just spend time with me."_

 _"Spending time with you isn't the point Emma. I want to go out. You're always doing this. You make me feel like a bad person because I want to have a social life. Stay in. Do your work. I'll go have fun on my own."_

 _As he had a habit of doing he turned and left before she had the opportunity to speak, leaving her wondering where she had gone wrong. She didn't turn him down very often but maybe she needed to make more of an effort to do things he wanted to do. He hadn't said that they would be out all night. Maybe she should have taken a little more thought to his request. They really only had each other here so it was only naturally that he would want to go do things with her. Determining that she had been in the wrong, but also that she had a lot of work to do, she sat down to focus on her project for two hours. She knew where he was going. Whenever they went out they always went out to a little hole in the wall bar that had the best margaritas. She would surprise him with her decision to come out even though she had work to do and she would make it right between them._

 _Two hours later found her standing outside the bar, butterflies suddenly dancing in the pit of her stomach. While she knew that he cared for her she always seemed to be doing the wrong thing with him and she just hoped that she would be able to bridge whatever gap that seemed to be developing between them, especially since she had her little secret that she was harboring. It never seemed the right time to tell him but she was hoping that tonight would be the night. She was excited and wanted him to share in the excitement. Hopefully it would also clarify for him just why she was so hesitant to go out with him lately. Nausea didn't make her feel particularly social and drinking wasn't an option so she just preferred to stay in. Walking in the door she scanned the room, hoping that she would see him quickly. Excited didn't begin to explain how she felt about surprising him. However the excitement soon faded when she saw him, cuddled up with another woman in a corner booth of the bar. She was beautiful, her long black hair flowing down her back. It was no wonder a man would be attracted to her but this wasn't just any man. This was the man that she had been building a life with, and he was sitting there as though it was perfectly natural to be with another woman. Her fight or flight instinct kicked into over drive, each rivaling against the other. Fight won out, her legs carrying her to the booth he was in with little prompting from her brain._

 _"Neal. What are you doing?"_

 _He looked up, and she was surprised that he didn't even have the good grace to look embarrassed._

 _"Emma, I didn't think you were coming out tonight."_

 _"Clearly."_

 _"Oh stop. Tamara and I are friends out having a drink. I don't act like a possessive ass when you go out with August."_

 _"For one August is half the world away and we weren't together when August and I would go out. Not to mention the fact that he's gay. So there's not much of a chance of him snaking your girl."_

 _"I don't know that he's gay. Just because you've told me that doesn't mean that it's true. The fact that he's on the other side of the world doesn't change the amount of FaceTime and Skyping the two of you do, even if I'm not there. I let you do it because I trust you. Apparently a concept that you're unfamiliar with. Now, if you'd stop making a scene I'd like to just go. You've ruined my night enough."_

 _"Are you coming back to my place or going back to yours?_

 _"I'm going back to my place right now. Honestly Emma the thought of being with you when you're like this is totally disgusting to me. You have me walking on eggshells, like you're just waiting to find fault with me somehow. I'll call you tomorrow I guess. I just don't want to be around you tonight."_

 _She didn't wait for him to speak anymore. Her intention when she had shown up was to make things better and somehow she had managed to make then ten times worse. Now he thought that she didn't trust him, which wasn't the truth. He just looked very cozy with the girl in the booth and from where she stood it looked a lot like he was cheating on her. If she said that he wasn't though it must be true. To her knowledge he had never lied to her before, and she doubted that he would just start now. Heading home she kicked herself for over-reacting and making him feel like she was a jealous suspicious girlfriend. He had never tried to stop her from hanging out with her friends. In fact when a guy at the bar, Walsh something, had talked to her he had gotten between them to protect her. Beat him up a bit. She hadn't really felt threatened by Walsh but it made her feel good that he cared so much. He was always doing that. While he wasn't the jealous type he was definitely the protective type and if she spent too much time talking to a guy he would lose his head a bit and give them a beat down. She always tried to stop him but she couldn't deny that she got a bit of a rush from his over-protective streak. Walking into her house she placed her hand on her stomach, rubbing her thumb gently over the still flat belly._

 _"Daddy's mad now baby but he's going to be so happy when he finds out about you. He'll know that Mommy doesn't want anyone but him."_

 _It was just a few minutes later that she realized that she had to tell him tonight. She had left some stuff at his place a few days later and although she knew that he would be initially upset to see her tonight once she told him her news he would be over the moon. The items she had to pick up was exactly the excuse she needed to stop by. She left the house, jumping in the car to try and stop herself from changing her mind. He was sure to be upset initially, because he had said that he didn't want to be with her tonight, but the news of a child coming was exactly what she needed to fix things between them. She spent the remainder of her drive to his place thinking about all the ways she could tell him about the baby, her smile growing bigger and bigger each time she imagined his reaction. She could barely contain herself when she arrived at his place, leaving the keys in the ignition and running into the house._

 _"Neal…Neal…where are you? I have to tell you something."_

 _Making her way through the place she stopped in the bedroom, her eyes fixing on the bed where two bodies were tangled up in each other._

 _"Emma, I told you that I didn't want to see you tonight."_

"So, how's married life?"

She was at lunch with her father, something that they had always done before she'd gotten married but hadn't been able to do since the wedding. Although he had been quiet and supportive of her and her mother she knew that it had been hard for her seeing her get married for any reason other than love. Despite his reservations though he had backed her completely, never making her feel like she was making a wrong choice.

"Married life is good."

Surprisingly, even to her, she didn't hesitate. She felt almost confident in her fledgling marriage.

"How is Prince Killian adjusting?"

"Killian, dad. You can call him Killian. He's your son-in-law. You don't have to call him Prince Killian, at least now with me. I'm sure he'd agree."

"I appreciate that. It's strange to think that the future king of Misthaven is my son-in-law. Even stranger to think that my daughter is the future queen."

She laughed, remembering back to her childhood.

"What? You never saw my tree climbing and frog catching as regal behavior?"

His eyes drifted for a moment and she beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was remembering her running in the backyard, blonde pigtails flying behind her, as she played tag with the neighborhood kids.

"You were always my princess but no, I never envisioned you as royalty. Unlike your mother I'm not certain it's the path I would have wanted for you."

"Why's that?"

"People are cruel Emma."

"Her eyes hardened for a moment and David wonder if his daughter was already experiencing the downside of being a public figure.

"People were cruel before. My job has nothing to do with it. At least now I have a partner and a purpose."

"Does he treat you like a partner?"

He's getting there. He's not perfect but then again neither am I. Sometimes I feel as though I must exhaust him. In part because he exhausts me."

It was only when she saw his shocked expression that she re-ran the words in her head, hearing how they might have sounded to her father.

"Not like that Dad. Things haven't progressed that far."

He tried not to look relieved. She was married after all. However on top of not wanting to even think of his daughter in any kind of sexual situation he felt like it was too soon. The prince had been very publicly grieving for several years and he wouldn't think much of a man that could move on from a love that deep in as short of time as they had been married. More than that though something had happened to Emma while she was in the Peace Corp that had left her different than she was when she went. She had walls that she had never had before. He and Mary Margaret had tried to ask if something had happened but she refused to talk about whatever it was. Any time they brought it up she would take off on her bike and when she came back she'd act like they had never said anything. It didn't take very long for them to figure out that they would either have to let it go or risk losing her. Each time that they brought it up she stayed away longer and longer. Things only got more strained when Mary Margaret had started dropping hints about Emma finding someone and settling down. Frankly he was surprised she agreed to the marriage with the prince. When his wife told him about the letter she intended to send he didn't push back because he was certain his independent daughter would balk at even the suggestion of marriage to a virtual stranger, prince or not. That she would go ahead with the marriage never really occurred to him or her would have perhaps put up more of an initial fight. It wasn't that he had anything against the prince but his only daughter marrying without finding the kind of love that he had with his own wife nearly broke his heart.

"What do you mean then?"

"It's like a constant tug of war. We both have our own baggage and we're just getting to know each other."

"He's never mistreated you has he?"

"No. I mean, we've argued for certain. Neither of us were completely thrilled about this marriage and so we've both pushed back a bit."

"I'm not sure I understand Emma. I can understand him pushing back. This was completely forced on him but it was a choice you made."

"A fair point, and one that Killian has made as well. I did make this choice but it's been more difficult than I guess I imagined. It would have been one thing if he were a jerk but he's not. He's a genuinely good guy and it's hard to always be walking the line between wanting to get closer and wanting to pull back for fear of being hurt. I've been in love alone before and it's not an experience I'm eager to repeat."

It was an opening and he knew it. She never offered up any information about her relationship with Neal. They had been friends when they went into the Peace Corp but when she came back all she would say was that it was over and to leave it alone. She seemed bitter when his name was brought up and every time Mary Margaret commented that Emma needed to forgive him she looked like she wanted to spit nails, before changing the subject or taking off.

"Are you offering to talk about it?"

"Not really. I guess I just don't want to do anything to upset Killian. He loved his first wife so much and I don't want to make him feel bad."

"What about how you feel?"

"Not really used to it mattering. At least not in a relationship."

The comments were enough to drive him mad and finally for the first time he found himself frustrated with his daughter's evasiveness. Yes, it was her relationship but clearly she had been hurt. He wanted to help and he didn't know how.

"Emma, how was your relationship with Neal. I mean I know that it ended so clearly it went south but how did he hurt you so badly?"

"He cheated. I didn't realize until later that he was just a horrible person to be in a relationship with. He never talked much about his past, not even when we were younger. He came to town and he just never talked about it. I get the feeling it must not have been good though because if it were good then he wouldn't refuse to talk about it. I don't know what his father taught him but I could never make him happy. Everything I did he found a way to spin into a fight. If I wanted to go out he was afraid I was becoming a party girl. If I wanted to stay in I was boring him. When I wanted to move in together I was stifling him but if I wanted to stay at my place he was afraid that I was pulling away. It was just never enough and any time I expressed any kind of dissatisfaction with anything in our relationship he would turn it around to make me feel guilty. It was a bad relationship Dad. I could never satisfy him and he hadn't even experienced love before. If I couldn't satisfy him then how in the world am I supposed to be enough for a man who knows what great love is like?"

He was surprised by her openness but even more surprised by the details of her relationship. There was more, he was sure, but what she had told him broke his heart. She had always been a sensitive person, carrying the burden of everyone else on her slender shoulders. It was why she had joined the Peace Corp in the first place. She had told him when she made her decision to go that her world was beautiful and she wanted to make the world beautiful for others. He had chuckled then, calling her his little savior. The world was so vast and while Mary Margaret was more reticent he was eager for his daughter to get a taste of it. So when she had come back so clearly hurting he had been thrown, not knowing how to ease the pain. The fact that she wouldn't talk about it did nothing to assist him.

"I'm so sorry to hear about all that Emma. I wish you had told your mother and me. I know that she wouldn't have been so eager for you to forgive him if she'd known."

"I think she would have been. Mom has always been a hopeless romantic and you being her first love makes her believe that all first love is true love. In my case it clearly was not."

"So because of all that you feel like you can't tell Killian how you feel?"

"No, not exactly. He's always encouraging me to open up and talk to him. Opening up means being vulnerable though and I don't want to open my heart to him only to realize that he'll never love me. I know that he likes me. That he's not just attracted to me, although I do get the sense that he is that as well. Still, I don't want to go diving in head first only to realize that he doesn't share my feelings."

"What are your feelings?"

She paused, not wanting to give voice to what she was feeling for her husband. If she said it would loud it would be real and she wasn't completely certain that she was ready for that.

"Emma, I know you. Not saying it doesn't mean that you don't feel it. I won't make you say anything that you aren't ready to say but my advice, and I'm thinking it will echo your mothers…"

"When doesn't your advice echo Mom's?"

She laughed, ease filling her as he spent time with her father. It had been too long and now her and Killian were leaving the next day for Barcelona.

"This is true but your mother is a very wise woman. My advice Emma is simply this. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and try not to over-analyze it. He's going to get over Milah in his time. I can't picture a world where a man could spend time with you and not love you. I don't want to think about you married because you're my little girl and all but Killian isn't Neal. He's not made the same mistakes that Neal has. He'll make his own but don't punish him for someone else's bad behavior."

"What if he doesn't get over Milah?"

"He will. It's human nature. Now that he's stopped burying himself in his grief the real world will start beckoning and I don't think he'll be able to resist it. I don't think he'll be able to resist you if you show him who you are. Don't show him who Neal tried to sculpt you into. My daughter is brave and strong and resilient. No boy, and he's not a man or he wouldn't have treated you that way, is able to take even the smallest thing from you."

His words brought tears to her eyes, and an ache to her chest. She had given him a broad over-view of her relationship with Neal but the things she left out were the crucial elements. He had taken from her. He had stripped pieces of herself from her and no matter how hard she tried to repair those pieces his wounds lingered, leaving an ache just underneath her skin.

"Thank you, Dad. I'm going to miss you and Mom so much while I'm gone."

"This is going to be your greatest adventure Emma."

"Barcelona?"

"No." He smiled as he reached out, taking her hand in his. She saw the love dancing in his eyes that crinkled at the corners. He had aged well but his temples were going gray and there were lines beginning to form on his face. It was a face that screamed of being full of wisdom and compassion.

"Your greatest adventure is going to be your marriage. Travelling is all well and good, and royalty will be a great opportunity but this will be your greatest adventure and your greatest challenge. There will be days you'll feel like giving up. Don't. Fight for it. Fight for it like it's your very life. Not because your royalty but because real love, true love, is worth fighting for. It's worth dying for."

His passionate words made their way into a place in her heart and settled there, taking root. He wasn't talking about her marriage right now, that was clear to her. She had seen his level of devotion towards her mother for years and she had no doubt that he was speaking about his love for her. He certainly wasn't talking about her love for Killian. While she cared for him she didn't love him, not yet. Her father's word reminded her though that she had made a commitment to Killian to try. It wasn't only a promise she had wrangled from him. The night before at the ball, and the hours afterward, had been magical and she had sensed a promise of a future that could be beautiful. They both spooked easily though and she sensed that it may be easier for her to open herself to the prospect of their burgeoning relationship than it was for Killian. She just hoped that in the hours since they had parted the night before he hadn't started regretting the steps they had taken towards a real marriage.


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13:

When she arrived back from spending the evening with her parents she wasn't surprised that Killian had already gone to bed. She was learning already that while he could be a night owl if he wished he also loved to go to bed early. She couldn't fault him though because as his responsibilities would be increasing his days would be starting earlier. That was how she happened to find herself alone with her husband for the first time as they settled into their seats on the plane to Barcelona. With a staff bustling around constantly they had seen each other but there had been no private time to talk.

Despite their closeness on the night of the ball Emma was anxious, her foot bouncing up and down while she twisted a napkin in her hands to distract her from the awkwardness of not knowing where they stood. It had been a few kisses and little bit of cuddling on the couch, not a one night stand. How was she this keyed up? She knew the answer before the thought fully formed. She knew that she wanted to get closer and she didn't know that after spending some time and thinking about it that he wanted the same thing.

"Emma…"

"Yeah."

The word escaped her lips before she could stop it and she was mildly embarrassed by how eager she sounded.

"Everything alright?"

"All good."

He didn't look like he believed her, which didn't exactly surprise her because he somehow could read her better than almost anyone she'd ever met. Even her parents couldn't read her as well as he could. She was beginning to feel it was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it was nice to have someone who knew her that well. On the other hand, she was used to hiding behind her walls and it was slightly uncomfortable that someone could get beyond them so easily.

"Emma, open book remember?"

Damn his ability to see through her so clearly.

"I'm just nervous is all. Meeting the prime minister is daunting."

He knew that wasn't the whole of the issue, but he could get to whatever else was bothering her later. Her concern about meeting the heads of states had been one that had been weighing on her ever since his mother first told them that she had arranged the meeting.

"As I said the other night it's really more of an introductory meeting. There's most likely going to be no political discussion at all."

"But what of when there is? Eventually I'll have to know that information and be able to discuss it. Besides I have nothing in common with these people."

His eyebrow shot up and his lip settled into a smirk, mirth dancing in his eyes.

"Those people huh?"

Laughter broke free from her lips at his expression, temporarily putting a stop to the doubts she felt at her ability to rub elbows with some of the most influential people in the world.

"You know what I mean. I'm the daughter of a vet and a teacher. I'll never be ashamed of that but what do I have in common with foreign dignitaries and heads of state?"

"You've found things in common with me."

"You're different."

"How so? Foreign dignitaries are real people. They may seem like they have it all together, it's what our people require of us, but at the end of the day they're real people with read problems."

"If you prick them they bleed and all that huh? I get that but what about the rest of it? I don't know anything about couture clothes and luxury resorts."

"Emma, love, I don't mean to anger you but you sound a bit like a snob."

She was surprised by his statement but not really angry. More curious than anything else.

"If you talk to them about real things they will talk to you about real things. Pets, siblings, what have you. They're people, just like you. Don't elevate them. You are every bit as good as they are. Probably better than a good lot of them. You have just as much to offer as anyone else Emma and I hope someday you'll believe that."

Tears welled up in her eyes and she blinked, willing them away. She didn't want to cry in front of him. It was one thing to be angry but he had already seen too much of her emotion. As much as she'd enjoyed their recent closeness he had made no additional overtures and it wouldn't do any good to get closer.

Caught up in her emotions she didn't notice when he undid his seat belt, standing to move over to her seat. It wasn't until her hands were in his that she looked up at him.

"Why are you crying Emma?"

"I don't know."

"That's not true. Why won't you open up to me?"

"I am open."

She pulled her hands back, frustration overtaking her. Why was he pushing her? Wasn't it clear that she didn't want to open a vein now?

"Emma, you're not. You say that you want us to be close, and I believe you, but I just want you to let me in."

A tear slid down her cheek and he reached out, brushing it away tenderly with the pad of his finger.

"Emma, please."

It was the tone in his voice that caused her to look up and into his blue eyes. Strange how they were a different shade of blue now than they typically were. There was pain there now. Not the pain that she had seen before over the loss of his wife but a different pain. The pain of wanting to help but not being able to. She remembered that pain well from her time in the Peace Corp. No matter how much she did or wanted to do it never felt as though she was making a dent in all that needed to be done. Her relationship with Neal hadn't helped, often making her feel that if she would focus more on what she was there to do instead of her relationship she would be able to accomplish so much more. This pain that she saw in Killian's eyes was due to not being able to help her. She was sure of it.

"I'm just not used to this Killian."

"Used to what?"

"Someone caring. I've never had it before. Not in a relationship."

That feeling he had during the conversation at the ball, after their first kiss, came back with a vengeance. She had said then that she had never been in a relationship with someone who was willing to tell her how he felt and now she was telling him that she wasn't used to someone caring. The feeling of wanting to know more about her history was overwhelming.

"How many relationships have you had?"

"Just the one. Not a lot of experience."

"I've just had the one past relationship as well. Looks like we're both getting a second shot at getting it right."

"You got it right the first time. I, on the other hand, bombed at every part of being in a relationship."

"I highly doubt that."

"Well if you were to talk to my ex he would be able to tell you. If you could find him, because I certainly couldn't."

"Emma, will you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"Tell me about your relationship. That is what we were talking about."

There was a teasing tone in his voice, trying to lighten the moon just a little, but he didn't want to change the topic. It was too important and he felt like it was going to be critical in moving forward with Emma. Whatever had gone on in her previous relationship was keeping her from letting him in, and he was surprised by just how much he wanted in.

"I don't know Killian."

"Just the basics. I don't need to know everything."

"It's just he was different from you. You're always so patient, even now when I would imagine if I were in your shoes I would be itching to know what was going on. You're letting me set the pace."

"Well, of course. What else would I do?"

"Well if you were my ex you would tell me that I'm making you feel insecure because I won't open up to you. If I didn't immediately back down it would then change to anger at me being so cold at which point you would tell me that if I couldn't be in an open, honest relationship you would just have to find someone else that would before leaving. That's how it usually went."

He was quiet for a moment, trying to determine what to say in response. Too much of a reaction would scare her but not enough would seem like he didn't care. If she was willing to open up to him he wanted to make sure that he expressed the right amount of care.

"So he wasn't the greatest guy?"

"Understatement of the century."

"Is there more?"

"What are you asking?"

"Did he ever hit you?"

"No, he wasn't abusive. Just a self-obsessed jerk."

He wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that any man that would treat her the way that her ex had treated her or made her feel the way he had made her feel had abused her as surely as if he'd struck her repeatedly. Instead he stayed quiet, resolving to show her that not all relationships were like her relationship with her ex. Taking her hands back in one of his he lifted her chin so that she was looking him in the eye.

"Emma, you're amazing. If he didn't see that it was completely his loss. I can promise you this, just from the time that we've spent together. You were not to blame for that relationship ending."

"I was just never enough you know?"

"I know he made you feel that way but I promise you he was wrong."

If he thought about it he would stop himself, telling himself that it was the wrong time. So instead of thinking he acted, following his hearts lead, leaning forward and capturing her lips with his. It was a tender kiss and lasted just a moment. In reality she had just a moment to register that he was kissing her again before it was over.

"I was wondering how you felt about that."

"Kissing you? Emma, I promise you I'm quite fond of it."

He smiled, laughter dancing behind his eyes.

"I don't mean to say anything that will upset you, and I understand more now why you tend to lean towards the insecure side, but I do eagerly await the day when you trust my feelings for you."

"But that's just it. I don't know how you feel for me. We've shared a couple of kisses, and I think we can both agree that they're enjoyable, and we like each other. We've done this all backwards though and I find myself just as confused as a girl figuring out whether the guy likes her after the first date."

Taking their joined hand, he laced his fingers with her bringing the back of her hand to his lips. After moving back just slightly he smiled shyly, a smile that made Emma's heart skip a beat. He was normally so confident, frequently bordering on the cocky, but this looked so good on him.

"I like you Emma."

"I know you like me as a person. I'd say we're friends, which is a great basis for a relationship, but the rest is so confusing."

"We've already taken care of the confusing will they, won't they part Emma."

He lowered his voice whispering, "I don't know if you know this but we're married."

She giggled. There was no denying that that was the sound that escaped her lips. A rare sound, particularly in the past few years.

"Oh, that was you? Well I may have to rethink."

"Sorry lass. Binding contract. You understand."

"Well then. I guess I'll have to make do."

The tension from earlier had dissipated and she found herself enjoying the easy comradery between them for the rest of the long flight from Misthaven. Her questions hadn't really been answered, at least not with words, but his actions spoke much louder than his words ever could have anyways. Maybe he didn't love her. She could live with that because she didn't love him either. They cared for each other though and she could tell that it was on more than just a friendship level. Throughout the remainder of the flight he was attentive, his hand either holding hers or his arm thrown around the back of her seat. He didn't return to his own seat until the pilot came over the loud speaker saying to buckle up because they were landing. Conversation flowed easily although they stayed on light hearted topics and when they came to the door of the plane her heart soared as he took her hand in front of a large amount of press, once again lacing their fingers together.

There were flowers on her bedside table. A bouquet of beautiful white roses with babies breathe that took her own breath away. Moving to the window of her room she gazed out at Barcelona. It didn't escape her attention though that Killian had made sure her room looked out over the pool with adjoining hot tub. The country was so lush, so green and she was in love with it already. A knock on her door drew her out of her reverie.

"Come in."

Killian entered the room wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a black t-shirt. Despite the improvement in his disposition since their wedding he still never ventured far from the color.

"To what do I owe the honor?"

"I thought you might like to have breakfast with me before the prime minister and her husband get here."

She smiled, feeling butterflies in her stomach. Despite her relationship with Neal she had never really felt this way before. They had fallen into a relationship more because they were in a new place where they didn't know anyone besides each other than because they were drawn to each other. If they had stayed in Misthaven she wasn't sure that they would have dated, let alone gotten as serious as they had. Although how serious about her was he really when he had been cheating on her. She shook her head, forcing herself out of her walk down memory lane.

"Breakfast sounds nice. Let me freshen up a bit. How dressy do I need to be for the prime minister?"

"I'm wearing this. I'd say more than your yoga outfits, although that's a pity, but less than a ball gown. You'll look beautiful no matter what you wear though."

She felt her face heat up and by the delighted smile on his face she knew he must see the flush as well. How petty must he think shew as that she needed so much affirmation.

"Breakfast under the canopy by the pool lass?"

"Yeah, I'll be down in ten."

"Take as long as you need. I'll wait."

He smiled, closing the door behind him, leaving her rooted in place. The only man that had ever made her feel so safe, so valuable, was her father. As good as it felt it terrified her to the core, kicking her ever present urge to run into overdrive. Just as she decided to send one of the staff to tell him that she wouldn't be able to join him for breakfast the image of his smiling face came unbidden to her mind. That smile was for her. Whether it was love or not wasn't the important part. He cared about her and as hard as it was for her it accept it must be even harder for him. Yet he didn't keep pulling away. He kept trying to get closer, kept trying to get into her world. It wasn't enough to only be thinking of herself. He certainly wasn't thinking only of himself. It appeared from things that he had said and done that he was consistently thinking of her. With this thought in mind she grabbed a pair of navy blue shorts and a white v-neck, slipping into them and throwing her hair up in a loose ponytail before going barefoot to the canopy. As promised he was there waiting for her, smile still firmly in place. A sudden surge of affection came over her and she leaned to kiss his check before grabbing a grape and popping it in her mouth as she sat down.

"What was that for?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to."

For a moment she was tempted to panic. What if he didn't want her to kiss him? The anxiety that pressed at the edges of her mind was instantly swept away when she felt his hand once again take hers. As was a pattern with him he seemed to recognize when the fear was coming and did what he could to ward it off.

"I'm glad."

Leaning back slightly in his chair he reached for the toast sitting on the corner of his plate.

"So quickly before we have to entertain have you had a chance to review the financial on Grimm? Ms. Mills has emailed my mother about it nearly daily. She's making a bit of a nuisance of herself to be honest."

"Killian, I'm so sorry. I've been so busy with the ball and getting prepared for the trip that I haven't looked at them. I should have made them a priority and now your mother is going to think that I'm not up to the tasks that she's asked of me."

"Emma, I didn't tell you to make you feel bad. We can review them together this afternoon after the prime minister leaves. It's just financials. I would imagine that there's not going to be much out of the standard. Looking at them without the financials of parliament would be pointless anyways so that we can compare. Those are being sent over today. As you said we've been quite busy."

"Ms. Mills seems to be very focused on this."

"It's odd because we've really not had much communication from her up to now. It's only been since your visit to the agency that she's become unrelenting."

"She doesn't like me, that's for sure. I don't know what I did to her."

"Nor do I lass. She seems to go out of her way to make jabs at you, even in her correspondence with my mother."

"She's saying it to your mother? Oh Killian, seriously. Your mother is going to regret selecting me to be the princess."

His thumb stroked the back of her hand, offering comfort without words.

"Not a chance love. My mother is a wise woman, despite our differences. She saw something in you when she selected you for me and it's going to take more than a childish administrator to change her opinion."

She smiled before Ruby walked in.

"Your Highnesses. The Prime Minister and her husband are here."

"Thank you Miss Wolfstein. Please show them in."

Standing they prepared to greet their guests but Emma's mind had wandered back to Misthaven. Before her marriage, she had been extremely eager to travel, to use the resources of the kingdom to sate her desire to see the world. Now though, in this beautiful place, part of her yearned to get back to their kingdom to prove that she had what it took to be their princess.


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

"As bad you as thought lass?"

"No, not really. The prime minister was lovely and you really seemed to get on really well with her husband."

"He was a good bloke. I got a text from Robin while we were with them. The financials on Grimm from parliament have been sent over. Did you want to go over them now or wait until later in the day?"

"While I'd love to wait and go over them later if your mother is being consistently bothered by Ms. Mills it's probably best for us to review them now. At the very least we'll be able to get it out of the way to enjoy our trip."

"Too right love."

It wasn't ten minutes later that they found themselves in the dining room of their rented home with papers spread across the table, a calculator at each of their sides.

"These numbers are dizzying Killian. You don't really think we'll find anything do you?"

"No, it's most likely just a typical review. I don't honestly know what the urgency from Ms. Mills is. Have you seen anything in her report that throws up flags?"

"Not particularly. I mean the amounts being sent to the agency, particularly in regards to food and education seem to be a little low, but that could explain why it seemed so institutional while I was there."

He bit his lower lip, looking down at the documents that he had in front of him. They had decided that she would review the documentation sent in by Ms. Mills while he reviewed the documentation sent in by parliament. Any red flags were to be discussed among them but he didn't honestly expect that to be an issue. His kingdom was one that took great pride in caring for the less fortunate among them and there were no less fortunate than the orphans.

"Emma, can I see those documents?"

She handed him the paperwork, curious as to what he was thinking. She thought about asking but the pensive look on his face and the slight furrow of his forehead made her think twice. It wasn't more than a couple minutes later that he set the papers down, his hands reaching up to rub his temples.

"Killian, what is it?"

"There's some inconsistencies, is all."

"What do you mean?"

"We've got the financials for the past two fiscal terms. But the numbers that she's reporting and the numbers that are being reported by parliament are off. Not by much, but enough that it's concerning. The discrepancies are in the food and education budgets. As well as the budget allotted to try and make the agency a bit more like home. For toys and the like."

"Killian, that place has no toys. The walls are white, and she said that it is not meant to be a home. That it's meant for children who are passing through."

"That's not completely inaccurate. We certainly don't have enough kingdom resources to make it like home for every child. We do what we can but sadly there's too great of a need. We do make it a point to help as much as we can though and I surely hope that the children are not on the losing end of any kind of misconduct."

Moving her chair closer they looked at the paperwork side by side, reviewing the numbers over and over.

"Killian, it's thousands of dollars difference in each area. It may not seem like much in the grand scheme of things but to those kids I'm sure it's making a big difference."

He reviewed the papers again and ran the numbers over and over. Still they never seemed to match up.

"Why would she push us looking at these documents when they show mismanagement?"

"My guess is she's been submitting numbers for years that are inaccurate and for whatever reason the discrepancy hasn't been caught. As she doesn't seem to think much of your ability to fulfill your role as princess, or mine as prince honestly, she most likely thought that trend would continue."

"So, then what do we do?"

"I think we let it play out. We don't call her on it immediately."

"If we don't call her on it so that we can catch her the children continue to do without. I'd love to catch Regina Mills in the act but not if it comes at the expense of the children."

"Of course, lass. I think that we need to plan an event. A fundraising event to raise funds to get directly to the children. That way Ms. Mills is unsuspecting. She'll think whatever we come up with is because of her fudged numbers on the paperwork she submitted. It may allow her to warm up to you a bit, giving us time to review her past financials."

"What about a fair? Open to the families in the kingdom. We can hold a press conference and sell tickets for the games and rides. It would be an amazing opportunity, not just for the children at the adoption agency but for us as the monarchy as well. It's great to have a presence in the kingdom but if we hope to affect change it should come from us. Our people need to see us working to make an impact and when they see that hopefully they will work to make an impact as well."

Her eyes were wide and bright, and she looked as impassioned as he'd ever seen her. There was something about this adoption agency that got to her core, something that spoke to her. He just wasn't sure what it was. Curiosity nearly got the better of him but he stayed quiet, smiling instead as he reached out for her hand.

"Emma, you're amazing. Did you know that?"

"I didn't. Thanks for telling me."

He leaned forward, capturing her lips again.

"You're making quite the habit of that Mr. Jones."

"Is that a complaint Mrs. Jones?"

"An observation is all. If we're going to do this event for the charity I think we should cut our trip short. Did your mother plan any other meetings with heads of state?"

"I think she had a few but I can make a call and ask her to postpone."

"Will you tell them about the discrepancies on the books?"

"I'll tell my parents but I think that I'll ask that we keep it from parliament."

"Any particular reason?"

"Beyond the fact that someone has been clearly covering this up for years I know that Robert Gold is in parliament now. I can't undo it, but I don't trust him. As much as possible I'll keep parliament from getting involved in any of these matters. The fewer people that know the better."

"We don't know that she's doing anything wrong for certain. The numbers could just be off."

"No, there's something that doesn't track right about all of this. She's been too eager to get these financials approved. My guess is that whoever has been assigned to this agency has been working for her, perhaps taking a cut of what's being skimmed off the top. When she found out that you were going to be taking over she got scared which is where her animosity comes from and is trying to push you so that you'll make an error and she can continue taking money."

She bit her bottom lip, trying to wrap her head around someone that could take from children. Stealing from people in general was wrong but to take what little a child in the foster care system had was despicable. More than anything she wanted to get home and stop Regina from continuing to take from those who had nothing.

Misthaven:

Grimm Adoption Agency and Group Home

"Ms. Mills, Robert Gold is here to see you."

"Thank you Griselda. Show him in."

Her assistant stalked out of the room, the dour expression she wore on her face at all times firmly in place. While she waited for her guest to arrive she straightened her desk and used the small mirror that she kept in her top drawer to make sure that she looked impeccable. It wouldn't do to have anyone think that she was anything but perfectly maintained.

"Ms. Mills. A pleasure to see you again."

"I'm sure it is Mr. Gold. I thought that we had decided that it was best if we didn't meet in person."

"Normally that would be the case, however with the prince and princess out of town I didn't see any reason for us to hide our association. No one besides the princes truly has any quarrel with me and as far as I'm aware the princess has no quarrel with anyone."

"That street rat wouldn't know to look for a quarrel. Imagine the king and queen picking a commoner to be the next queen of the kingdom. It's ridiculous."

"That there's still a monarchy in place at all is ridiculous. Our first order of business is to take care of that. While it may be distasteful a commoner queen could aide us in ridding Misthaven of the monarchy once and for all."

"How's that?"

"She knows nothing about leading and she will make missteps. The prince is a foolish boy who is run by his emotions. His practically giving up his role as prince when his wife died proves that he's not fit to lead. At the moment people are content with King Brennan and Queen Louisa but they are grooming the prince and princess to take over their roles. When it comes time for that to happen the Misthaven government may vote to abolish the monarchy and elect a President. Should that occur I will be there, prepared to throw my hat into the ring. Knowing as many influential people as I do I am a safe bet for the role of President of Misthaven. As you have aided me in getting my feet into parliament I think that there will be a plumb role for you working alongside me."

"Aiding you in getting into parliament? You had no part in your placement. I had Archibald Hopper taken care of, and that was no easy feat. He was a good man but thankfully it wasn't that difficult to sell that he had a long standing, but secret, love affair with prescription pain meds. Those prescription pills can be so dangerous and no one ever knew because he was a doctor who was able to get access to them without anyone blinking an eye."

A delighted smiled crossed her lips as she remembered all the steps that she had taken to ensure that he would overdose, and that it would not be traced back to her in any way. For a brief moment she wondered if it should bother her more that she had so easily taken to murder as a way to get what she wanted but brushed it away. It was the new princess's fault that Archibauld Hopper was dead. Had she not married the prince then she certainly would have been selected as the perfect bride for Prince Killian. It wasn't clear whether King Brennan and Queen Louisa hadn't read her letter or had simply rejected it in favor of the street rat that had married their son. She had to assume that it was the former as she couldn't imagine someone intentionally choosing someone with no breeding over her own impressive repertoire. True, she wasn't royalty but she had gone to the best schools the kingdom had to offer and she had been upwardly mobile in the best social circles. Her placement at Grimm was purely strategic. She had been placed there by George Kingston, a member of parliament that had needed her placed there to help discredit the monarchy. As well as line both of their pockets. Had she been named princess naturally that alliance would have ended but as she hadn't she was going to continue, and bring down the House of Jones while she was at it. George was a well-trusted member of parliament that had been a friend of the king and queen since their days at university. During her tenure at Grimm she had provided the financials for Grimm directly to him and no one was the wiser. He was the sitting member of parliament on the board and if he didn't raise a red flag no one would. They took just enough from certain portions of the financing that it could look like an accounting error if anyone looked, not that anyone did. When she had been advised that the king and queen had decided to replace him on the board with the new princess she had resisted but they were adamant, claiming that it was the exact right position for their Princess Emma.

"Your plan was quite devious."

"Devious is the wrong word. Well-crafted is the correct phrasing."

"How did you get them to consider my name? I didn't know you had that kind of pull with parliament."

"I don't exactly but I know some members of parliament well. When the time came for a vote I used the leverage that I had been gathering against certain members to get them to vote according to my conscience."

"As though you've got one."

"I have a conscience. My conscience is telling me that I need to do whatever is necessary to get what I want out of life. No one is going to hand me the things that I deserve on a silver platter. Someone else always gets it. So surely you understand that I'm just looking out for myself."

She rankled a bit at his insinuation that she had no conscience. She was a strong woman who was willing to do what was necessary to meet her goals. In her life anything less wasn't to be tolerated. Her mother was relentless in her pursuit of what she called the good life for her daughter, finding fault every time she exhibited the slightest inclination towards kindness. She has learned well from her mother that if you wanted to achieve your goals you had to remove the obstacles getting in your way. She had never considered it as unconscionable as people seemed to act like it was. Of course she didn't like that she had had to resort to some of the tactics she had use but such was life. You did what you had to do to make things happen for you.

"Without a doubt, Ms. Mills. As well you should. However, you also need to be looking out for me."

Without hesitation he pointed to his tie clip and a chill went down her spine. She couldn't see anything out of the ordinary about it but his point was clear. This conversation couldn't have happened over the phone, which is why he was here now. He must be recording her, gaining his evidence to hold over this head. She lunged for him, attempting to grab his tie but he stepped back and she stumbled a bit before regaining her balance.

"Ah ah Ms. Mills. That's no way to treat such a dear friend is it?"

"You are no friend of mine."

"Perhaps not but you're going to behave like I am. You're going to continue to help me overthrow the monarchy and you're going to make sure that I get my proper place as the President of Misthaven."

"Clearly you know I can be ruthless. I'll get my hands on your little tie clip Mr. Gold and then you'll be sorry that you ever threatened me."

She never lost her composure, never let him see that she was shaken. If he weren't so focused on his quest for power he would have been impressed by her.

"Ms. Mills, surely you can't think that this is the only copy. I've already got it uploaded onto the cloud, as well as several back up servers. The moment this video was taken it was delivered to multiple private accounts in my name. Which is where they'll stay until such a time as you've either gotten me what I want, or you've disappointed me. Now, I think I'll be going. Rest assured I'll be in touch."

He turned and walked out of the room, his belief that he had gained the upper hand straightening his generally slightly hunched posture. Regina was left behind him restraining her panic at having given up damning evidence in her belief that she had found a kindred spirit. As always the moment that she trusted the least bit in another person it came back to bite her, leaving her worse off than she was to start.

"Killian, I know we talked about cutting the trip short but we don't have to go back today do we?"

They were lounging by the pool after reviewing the financials and she found herself torn. Part of her wanted to go back and get to the matter of resolving whatever was going on. However, the other part very badly wanted to continue their vacation.

"I don't see why we can't stay in Barcelona for at least a few days. There were a few places that I thought you'd like to see."

"Yeah, where were you thinking?"

"You'll see lass. You'll see."

She smiled, before turning her face back towards the sky, allowing the sun to bathe her skin. With her eyes closed and sunglasses covering Killian's eyes she didn't notice that he was unable to take his eyes off of her. She was wearing a blue and white striped strapless one-piece with black buttons with anchors down the front, and a large straw hat. A pair of white rimmed sunglasses were perched on her nose. She looked adorable and more than that she made him feel things that he hadn't felt in years. Long before Milah died the butterflies had faded. It was never that he didn't love her, but love changed over time. He became used to seeing her on a daily basis and after a time his stomach didn't turn cartwheels when she walked into the room. It was a comfortable love. A love that had years of history and while there was still passion there was also a great level of companionship. Particularly in the last six months, when the cancer had ravaged her body, he felt that their relationship had taken on a new element. He was her caretaker. He wouldn't trade that time with her for anything. Every single moment he had with her were moments to be cherished but there had been precious little romance towards the end. She had been uncomfortable with the way that cancer took its toll on her body and she rebuffed any romantic inclinations he made towards her. It was always a delicate balance of letting her know that he wasn't repulsed by the body that cancer had left her with and pulling back because he didn't want to make her feel like she owed him her body, even though she was sick. The added stress of her just having had to end her pregnancy to start treatment made the issue of intimacy even harder. It had been years since he had experienced the joys of the first stirrings of attraction and he hardly knew what to do with it. His wife was beautiful, stretched out next to him soaking in the rays from the Barcelona sun.

"So, no clues then?"

"Sorry love."

"Does it involve the beach? Because this us heavenly."

Taking the opportunity he lifted his glasses, allowing his eyes to rove up her body and arched his eyebrow.

"I don't disagree lass."

She smiled at his flirtation, stomach doing a bit of a cartwheel at his obvious appreciation of her form.

"I was talking about the beach and the pool."

"I didn't say a word. Besides is it so wrong for a man to find his wife lovely?"

A blush covered her cheeks as she tried not to smile. This new dynamic between them was pleasant but left her feeling like a teenage girl with a crush. As always he seemed to sense that she was getting overwhelmed, standing and moving to the edge of the water. The pool was a beautiful blue and with the backdrop of a beautiful Barcelona sunset it looked as though it had been painted there just for their enjoyment.

"Fancy a swim Swan?"

"I kind of like it here. You should go in though."

"Come now. You wouldn't make a man swim alone?"

The pout on his face was more than she could take and she burst out in laughter when he pushed his lower lip out, gazing at her with pleading puppy dog eyes.

"Oh, that is seriously not fair."

"A man does what he must."

Rising she stepped to the edge of the pool and dipped her toe in. Despite the warm weather the water was cool, mainly because she had been sunbathing for the past hour and the rays of sun had warmed her considerably. He watched her as unobtrusively as possible, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable with his gaze. It wasn't just her appearance that appealed to him. Beneath her toned body, golden hair and emerald eyes lay compassion. The sadness and anger in her voice when she realized that someone may be taking what little those children in foster care had was every bit as attractive as her body.

"Hey there. Eyes back in your head sailor."

She laughed and the sound made him feel warm all over, as though she had rained sunlight down on him.

"My apologies lass. You're just truly fetching."

Scanning his body with her eyes she smiled mischievously.

"You don't look so bad yourself."

"I know."

The only response he got to that was water pelting him and her laughter ringing out in the quiet. He growled playfully before lunging for her, his hand briefly grabbing her ankle as she retreated from the steps and back onto the concrete, laughter never stopping. It was the most carefree he had ever seen her. Her fears and insecurities, generally worn as armor to keep from repeating her painful past, seemed to have been cast off. Left in its place was a radiant enchantress. And she was painfully enchanting. As she threw her head back, still laughing, he felt as though he had been punched in the stomach. He knew that he cared for her. That much had been evident but this feeling, as though he couldn't quite catch his breath, had only happened once before in his life. With Milah. It wasn't a feeling he was unfamiliar with but he was uncomfortable with it. How had he developed such strong feelings for her in such a short amount of time? Part of him wanted to run inside and shut the door. Push away the feelings he wasn't ready for, especially since he was certain she wasn't ready for them either. She was still too hesitant and unsure of him for him to believe that she was ready for the intensity of what he was beginning to feel for her. Despite his desire to bolt he stayed rooted to his spot, eyes glued to her. It felt like hours had passed that he'd been standing there when in fact it had only been about a minute. It was however long enough for her to notice his lack of motion.

"Earth to Killian. Did I lose you?"

"No lass. I'm here. Just basking in the rays."

He bit back words that would tip his hand, words of her beauty and that he had been momentarily awestruck by her. He didn't want to say them. He didn't particularly want to feel them. He had moved past the notion that caring for Emma was somehow a betrayal to Milah but it was still new and uncharted territory for him. He assumed that any time you started to care for someone new, no matter how many times you had experienced it in the past, that it was new.

"Are you okay?"

"Aye love." He smiled but he watched the hints of insecurity making their way into her eyes. Immediately he kicked himself mentally for creating even the slightest glimmer of doubt for her.

"Emma, I'm fine. I was just taken aback for a moment. You looked so happy and carefree. I rarely get to see you like that. It was lovely."

"You don't think that I'm normally carefree?"

"You're guarded lass and I understand. It was nice to see you for a moment without those guards up."

He smiled as she stepped forward, sitting on the side of the pool next to where he was standing in the water. She dipped her legs into the water, moving them back and forth.

"I never really thought that I was guarded. I mean I do now because it's so hard to connect with you sometimes. I want to and I know you want to. It's just hard though. To let someone in. To be vulnerable. I trusted so much last time and even though I know you're a completely different person than Neal was it's just hard to stamp down that voice saying that it could all fall apart again."

Her head was down, eyes avoiding his at all costs.

"My concerns aren't all that dissimilar. I'm not afraid of being hurt the way you were but I fear the loss of you. My fear would be that something would happen to you and that I would be left alone again, picking up the pieces. I barely survived the first time and I fear that I would not survive again."

He hadn't planned to share that particular concern with her but she had been so open and honest regarding her fears that he felt it was only fair to share with her as well.

"How does this keep happening? We're having a fun time and all of a sudden it gets serious."

"I think this is just how it works love. We're working to get to know each other and those opportunities come at different times. Good times, bad times. There's no way to know for certain when that chance will come but when it does I think it's prudent that we take it. It may be awkward or uncomfortable but we have to keep the lines of communication open. I feel like we're taking all the right steps Emma. We're closer than I ever dreamed we would be at this point."

A smiled played at the corner of her lips as she leaned forward, lips capturing his as her hair fell over their faces. Once the kiss ended he sat back up, a new look in her eyes that he didn't want to read too much into.

"Me too Killian and I couldn't be happier about it."


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15:**

Neal Cassidy's beer sat open on the concrete next to his chaise lounge, losing more and more of its flavor as the sun heated it. The quick easy solution would be to take it inside, and heaven knows he was generally all in favor of a quick fix, but today he was unwilling. He'd pay to replace it but he was not going to leave his place by the pool. The reason was simple. The redhead across the pool who was taking in the warm Florida sun. Tallahassee may not be everything he had dreamt of when he left the Peace Corp but there was never a shortage of beautiful women to make it worth hid while to stay. Lifting his phone he scrolled through his Facebook feed, catching up on recent events. It had been a while since he last checked in. It wasn't that he really cared what people were up to in their boring lives but he liked to know when he was doing better than someone else. His father had ingrained it in him that your level of success was determined by people's reaction to your name. While he hated his father he was never fully able to remove some of the "life lessons" he had taught him. Some he didn't really want to unlearn.

Looking back at his screen he continued to scroll until the face of his ex appeared in front of him. She looked beautiful, he could admit that, but Emma had always been beautiful. That had never been their problem. Their problem was that Emma always wanted and when it looked as though she may not get what she wanted she had tried to trap him in a life he didn't want. Why she thought a baby would be a good idea was beyond him but he tried to stay for the sake of his child. He certainly didn't want people thinking that he was a deadbeat dad. However, despite his efforts to stay the mere thought of being with Emma repulsed him. Sure, her face stayed beautiful but how do you find a woman attractive when she's constantly throwing up and her body is blowing up. More and more they played house, Emma blissfully unaware that he was gritting his teeth through their relationship, until finally he just couldn't take it anymore. He had continued to see Tamara after Emma caught then in bed together, making sure that he was more careful. Despite him having cheated on her once she wasn't particularly suspicious of him and when she did express concern he reminded her that it wasn't fair to the baby for her to constantly be bringing up things that she said she was going to let go of.

Pulling his attention back to his screen he clicked on the link that her picture was attached to.

 **Prince Killian and Princess Emma arrive in Barcelona**

 _Today Prince Killian, next in line to the throne of Misthaven, and his bride arrived in Barcelona for the first of what is expected to be many appearances by the royal couple. While their union has been highly unorthodox, she answered what amounts to an ad for a bride, it appears that the couple is making progress in their relationship. They departed the plane holding hands and have spotted kissing at their vacation house. Plans for future locations are tentative at this point but we're pleased to see a smile on the former widowers face._

The words screamed from the screen at him. Emma was married. Not just married but married to a prince. Why it bothered him was beyond him but he was bothered. Not because she had moved on but because she had moved up. She had tried to trap him with a child and yet here she was living the good life. Florida was great but he was still living paycheck to paycheck, when he had one. Whenever he was without a job he would get serious with one of the girls that he was seeing, moving in until he was able to get back on his feet. Going back to the image on the screen he took in her appearance. Her hair was still long and flowing, her skin a golden brown. The difference from when he was with her was her smile. Despite the fact she had loved him she had never been relaxed around him. He imagined in part that was because she got tired of him calling her out on the fact that she was clingy. Particularly after she had gotten pregnant. While he occasionally regretted not telling her that he was leaving it was really her fault since he was just trying to avoid the melodramatic mess she would make it. She seemed to have recovered well enough though. Scanning the brief article he looked for mention of a child but saw none. It was odd that the prince had chosen to marry a woman with a child, especially if it appeared that they hadn't married for love. The monarchy wasn't particularly modern in their thinking and he was sure it wouldn't be something that parliament, who was known for being antiquated in their thinking, would be open to. Opening another browser tab on his phone he searched for information on Emma Swan, surprised that there really wasn't much information to be had. From the time that she had left the Peace Corp, about a year after him, until she married the prince she lived in virtual anonymity. There were no pictures and no details about her life. One thing was abundantly clear though. She had no child. If she had something would have hit. Rage boiled up inside of him at the thought that she had given their child up for adoption. He figured when she got pregnant that while the child was being used to trap him she had at least wanted it. She was always searching for something, although he wasn't sure what. The thought that she had simply gotten pregnant to keep him around and then gave the child away made him angry. Momentarily the thought crossed his mind that it was possible that she had an abortion but she was already beyond that point when he left her. As the thought crossed his mind he felt anger take him over, setting in the pit of his stomach. How dare she give his child away like it meant nothing so that she could move on with some prince of a Podunk country. However, it did have its advantages. The adoption was most certainly closed and he doubted that she had disclosed the fact that she'd thrown her child away like it was nothing when she agreed to marry the prince. There was no way that she would ever want that information to get out, and even if she didn't care she was certainly that the prince would. Taking a look back out at the pool it was clear to him what he needed to do. If she was just going to throw away their child he was going to make sure she paid for it.

* * *

Killian sat on the edge of his bed suddenly nervous at the thought of seeing his wife. Bravado was all well and good when there was nothing on the line but ever since their moment by the pool he was well aware of what exactly was on the line. His heart. How she had managed to capture it so quickly was beyond him but she had. There was rarely a moment in the day where she wasn't on his mind. He thought constantly of her intelligence, her likes and dislikes, and yes, her beauty. It occurred to himm that he hadn't ever felt this way about Milah. He loved her but it was a first love. True she hadn't been his first kiss but she had been his first just about everything else. First love, first time, first wife. While he desperately wanted to get closer to Emma he wasn't really even sure how to. Between having been so young when he started dating Milah and being a prince it had never really been a struggle to get a girl's attention. Emma was different though. She knew all about his loss and how much he had loved Milah. Unlike the other women that had thrown themselves at him, some as shortly as two weeks after Milah's death, she respected that love. He suspected that she was a bit in awe of it. With her relationship history he wouldn't be surprised to find that she romanticized relationships that didn't end, painting them as perfect against her perceived failure. Realizing he was in over his head he grabbed his cell phone from his back pocket, pulling up the contacts and dialing.

"Jones residence. Louisa speaking."

"Hey Mom. I didn't think you'd be answering dad's phone."

"Your father is in one of the drawing rooms looking for some book he's determined he had. I told him we'd buy a new copy but he doesn't feel it's necessary since he already has it. How's your trip?"

"It's been very nice. Barcelona is beautiful. We're going to do some sightseeing over the next few days but we'll be heading home at the end of the week."

"I thought you were going to be taking an extended trip."

"That was the plan but we've both decided that it's better to come back now. She's eager to get to work to learn the proper procedure for how to be a princess. It's also time for me to step us as prince. You and father have years left leading the kingdom but it will take years for me to learn how to rule. I have to stop shirking my responsibility."

"You were grieving Killian. Everybody understands that."

"Be that as I may grieving cannot last forever and it's time for me to step out from the shadow of death. I need to start living my life."

"May I ask what's bringing about this change?"

"It's nothing really."

"Killian. I know we've had our disagreements but you must know how much I love you. Your father isn't the only one that you can talk to."

"I know that Mom. There just really isn't much to say. Things are good and my main focus right now is keeping them that way."

"With Emma?"

"Mainly. While I resisted the marriage it's definitely worked out well for me. I don't don't want to get my heart broken though. She has walls that she's built up and I'm afraid of pushing too hard. I know she cares about me and I know that I care about her. The difficult part is not knowing much more than that."

"Have you talked to her about it? Tried to find out where her head is at?"

"No, that's part of the not wanting to push. I don't want to do anything that might make her want to leave. She's become very important in a very short amount of time."

"She's your wife Killian. Trust her a little. Beyond that, and I do hate to point this out, but this is a royal marriage. Divorce isn't the option it is in most marriages."

"She's still Emma mother. I may have been trapped into this life but I won't trap her in it. This kingdom will not take precedence over her, not for me."

The comment stung the queen, knowing that his bitterness stemmed from believing that she prioritized the crown over him.

"I will never ask Emma to stay if she's unhappy mother. Neither will anyone else. Do you understand?"

His gaze was drawn to the view out the window and his attention was so focused on his call that he didn't hear footprints approaching outside the door. She paused, not wanting to eavesdrop but wanting to get an unfettered idea of what he was thinking. Judging from the edge in his voice she guessed it was his mother. For some reason everything the queen did seemed to upset him in a way that she knew all too well. As much as she loved her own mother it was her father that she gravitated towards. He let her be just Emma whereas her mother nearly crushed her with the weight of her silent expectations. Turning her attention back to the conversation she tried to stamp down the guilt she felt for invading his privacy. She knew that if he did to her what she was doing now she would not take kindly to it, and yet she stayed.

"Do you understand? No one is to try and make Emma stay if she wants to go. I want her to be happy."

"Has she indicated to you in any way that she's unhappy?"

"No, not really. Most of the time she's here and totally present. I can almost imagine that she feels the same way I do."

"Perhaps you're not imagining it. Maybe she does feel for you the way the way that you feel for her."

"I suppose it's possible but it's a terrifying thought for me that she might reject me in a sense. And I don't relish the thought of putting her in a position of needing to."

"By not talking to her you're denying her the opportunity to open up to you Killian. Communication is key. I know that I don't always excel at it, you're a lot like me that way, but you can be better."

As he continued to speak to his mother Emma stood by the door, stunned by the notion that his concern for her appeared to be as great as his concern for himself. The realization was astounding given there had been a complete disregard for her feelings in her last relationship. The guilt of violating his privacy when he was so focused on protecting her was crushing so she turned from the doorway to go back to her room. It had been clear for a while that he cared for her but from the sounds of it the feelings had developed into something more than simply caring. While her feelings had also developed into more than mere caring she was slightly terrified of giving into them fully. She had done that once and all she got for it was a broken heart and a dead child. Logically she knew that Killian was nothing like Neal. She knew that when he said he cared it was for real and not just because he didn't want to be alone. Killian would never intentionally hurt her, of that she was certain. Still those fears had been with her do long now that she wasn't entirely sure how to lay them to rest. She didn't want to punish Kilian for Neal's mistakes though and she was, even though it was unintentional. She was holding him at arm's length and it was hurting him just as much as her insecurities were hurting her.

A knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Up for a bit of an adventure love?"

"I could be. What do you have in mind?"

"What fun would it be if I told you?"

"Exactly how am I supposed to dress for this adventure if you don't tell me what we're doing?"

"You always look bloody amazing lass. No doubt whatever you wear will be lovely. However dress warmly, bring a bathing suit, and anything you need for overnight."

"This sounds like quite the surprise."

"That is the intention."

He didn't allow her to continue speaking, instead turning and walking from her room.

* * *

Two hours later found her in their day car, heading to an unknown location. Despite her pleading he had refused to tell her where they were going, instead keeping a sly smile on his face. She could tell he was invited but a bit nervous. Whatever they were going to be doing meant a lot to him. After driving for a while they arrive to some docks, a massive boat looming in front of her.

"Is this the surprise?"

She raised her eyebrows, a smile spreading over her face. In their short time together the water had become special to them, a place they were drawn to as individuals as well as a couple.

"I thought since we'll be cutting our trip short some time away from prying eyes might be in order."

As it always did when he talked about life as a royal a hint of bitterness crept into his voice. She hated how isolated he felt by the microscope he was kept under. It was no wonder that he spent so much time alone on his bike after losing his wife. She wondered if his loneliness at all since they married.

"Time on the water is always welcome. I can't say that I've had too much issue with the prying eyes at this point but then again Misthaven is a small kingdom and we've spent most of our marriage outside of it."

His eyes flitted to the water, a shadow falling over the brilliant blue. It was clear that it was difficult for him to think about going back even though they both knew that it was important that they do so.

"It'll be okay Killian." She reached for his hand, needing to connect to him physically because he seemed a million miles away at the moment. Her touch seemed to pull him out of his reverie, bringing her back to the present.

"Sorry lass. Not wanting to go back shouldn't get in the way of being here with you in this moment. A moment I very much want to enjoy."

He leaned over and brushed her lips with his before tugging her hand to lead her out of the car. He all but ran onto the boat, a smile like she had never seen covering his face. She had seen him in a lot of settings, almost always at east, but this was the most comfortable she had seen him. He made his way to the wheel, running his hands lovingly over the wood.

"Do I need to give you moment?"

He looked at her and immediately recognized the teasing glint in her eyes.

"Aye lass. You may have interrupted something beautiful here."

"My apologies."

He smiled again, pure and unfiltered.

"Do you have a boat back in Misthaven?"

"This is not a boat lass. She's a ship. A real pirate's ship. I may have taken advantage of some of the perks of being a prince to get my hands on her."

"Oh, again my apologies. Does this real pirate's ship have a name?"

"Why the Jolly Roger of course. What kind of pirate's ship isn't named the Jolly Roger?"

"Every other one not named that I'd imagine."

"Touche. But it's a travesty to waste the opportunity if you ask me."

"Okay. You just want to be Captain Hook."

Stepping to the edge of the ship she took in the brilliant blue of the water and the sea life swimming below the surface. Growing up it had never occurred to her that she would have this life, a life that she felt so at ease in.

"Lass do you want to go below and see your room?"

"There's bedrooms on this thing?"

"A bedroom. Every ship has captain's quarters."

"If there's a bedroom where are you going to sleep?"

"Crews quarters. If I don't sleep under the stars."

"I want to see the crew's quarters first."

He nodded, leading her towards where he would most likely be sleeping. The room was small with two bunk beds built into the wall. Each bed was a single bed with a sparse mattress on what was essentially nothing more than plywood. The bedding was fine and she could tell that whoever owned the boat at least made an attempt to make it appealing but no amount of pretty bedding could make those beds look inviting.

"Killian, you're not sleeping in here."

"The accommodations are rough, I'll give you that. But it's only for one night. It's not completely outside the realm of possibility that I'll drag one of these mattresses out to the dock to sleep beneath the stars."

"We have a long flight ahead of us Killian. You can't sleep on the floor of a boat…"

"Ship lass."

"I don't care if it's the Marshmallow Man's padded yacht you can't sleep on the floor."

"There's only one bedroom lass and I wouldn't dream of taking it from you."

"We'll share it then. We're both adults and you are my husband."

"Aye love but we are just getting to know each other."

"I can resist from jumping your bones."

"I think you overestimate my ability to do the same."

For a moment, his admission stunned her. Logically she knew that he found her attractive. He did well at making sure she knew that. Somehow though that knowledge hadn't translated into an awareness that he found her sexually desirable. Part of her, the part of her that was aware of him every time he entered her personal space, wanted to run with that knowledge. To take the opportunity that was before them and give in to what she knew now they both desired. However, the more logical part, the part aware of the fact they were just really starting to get to know each other, knew that they needed to take their time. They had the rest of their lives for physical intimacy. It was important to her that they develop the emotional intimacy first. She'd already defined a relationship on the physical for too much in the past. Neal had often measured her love for him by the amount of sex they had or what she was willing to do in the bedroom. When she had declined the idea of bringing another woman into their bed he had called her a jealous prude who didn't love him enough to get past her puritan hang ups.

"Emma, are you sure that you're okay with me sleeping in here?"

"You weren't trying to get me to offer you a place in the bed, were you? By saying you'd sleep in the crew quarters or on the deck?"

The stricken look on his face answered her question before he had the chance to say anything.

"What do you think Emma? Do you think I'm trying to emotionally manipulate you into sleeping with me?"

He was angry and she didn't blame him. Her accusation was unwarranted and it was entirely based on her past, something he had no control over.

"No. I don't know why I said that. Honestly. I know that you would never do that. It's just that in the past…"

"Emma, I don't want to sound unsympathetic here because I do understand. Truly I do. You've had a tough time of it in the past and our past informs us. But will I forever be penalized for the things that bastard has done? I'm not him. When we first met and you didn't know me at all I could understand. You didn't know me and you were cautious and frightened. But you know me now. You have to know that I wouldn't hurt you."

"I know that. Truly, I do. The two of you are nothing alike. Night and day. I don't know why I I said that because it honestly had never crossed my mind. You've got every right to be mad."

"Not mad, Emma. Frustrated. I want to get to know you, to have you get to know me. But I'm afraid that he's hurt you so badly that I'm not sure you'll ever let me in."

The words, although justified, rankled her a bit. He had his own wounds he was dealing with and she dealt with the anxiety those wounds brought.

"You can be mad Killian. You don't have to be perfect all the time."

"I'm hardly perfect. You know that."

"Could've fooled me. Other than when we first met you've been husband of the year leaving me to be the crazy one in this marriage of convenience. I get to spend my days being grateful for how much you put up with."

"If you think I'm going to apologize for being good to you you've got another thing coming. Maybe you're not used to being treated well, maybe you've been made to apologize for having normal human emotions in the past. I'm sorry about that. But I'm not Neal and I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for his mistakes."

She opened her mouth to speak but he'd already turned his back, leaving her in the crew quarters. It was a stupid fight. She knew it before she picked it but she was so tired of weighing herself against him and finding herself lacking. The knowledge that she should go apologize pressed on her but she ignored it, tired of feeling like she needed to apologize as well. Sitting on one of the uncomfortable bunks she thought back to the conversation she had overheard him having on the phone earlier. He cared about her and this trip out onto the water was his way of showing her. Why she was sitting here trying to sabotage it was beyond her. She knew he would never hurt her. Not intentionally. It was her own fears and hang ups leaving her on edge and he wasn't responsible for that. Standing she walked back across the boat, the ship, trying to locate Killian. She wasn't surprised to find him standing at the ship wheel, hands on the wood, staring out at the water. The boat was essentially self driving now, his presence at the wheel not really required, but he seemed to find some kind of calm there.

"I'm sorry Killian."

"Aren't you tired of saying that?"

"Honestly, yes. But if I have to keep apologizing then it's my fault, not yours. Neal always made me feel like I needed to walk on eggshells and if I stepped wrong it was my fault, never his. I won't do that to you. You're right. You're not Neal and I shouldn't treat you like you are. It's just hard. I don't know how to explain it."

"You don't need to. Your apology is more than enough lass."

"I don't want to screw this up Killian. I don't want to push you away. I'll do better."

"Just keep talking to me love. Explain to me what he's done so that I can understand how to walk carefully."

"You shouldn't have to walk carefully."

"Perhaps not but you're healing. Perhaps someday the things that he did to hurt you will be a distance memory and you'll know me well enough to know that I would never do those things to you. Until that time comes just tell me where to tread lightly before I hit on one of those sensitive areas. I'd rather try not to cause more damage than fix damage I've already done. Besides, I'm sure there will be times when you'll need to walk carefully for me as well."

"Did you and Milah ever fight?"

The change in topics was abrupt and for a moment he was taken aback. She was always so hesitant to bring up Milah, to infringe on that part of his life. He feared that she felt she wasn't welcome into that part of his past, as though it was too precious to share with her. While his life with Milah was precious it was not perfect, and it was not something he wanted to hide from Emma. If they were ever going to make their marriage work they would need to start exercising emotional honesty at all costs.

"Aye lass. It was marriage. It's never without its battles. However, we loved each other enough to withstand the trials."

"You make your love sound so perfect."

"It wasn't perfect love. No love is. If it's perfect I'd wager that it's not really love, more like a fairy tale. And fairy tales have endings. I was young and immature when Milah and I fell in love. She dealt with my immaturity but at times she would get moody. Then when she got sick it was a trial like I've never known. The treatments that were supposed to be making her better made her violently ill. She wasn't particularly kind, not that I fault her for that in any way. I spent my days trying to make her happy, frequently falling short. But she was my love, my life, and how could I not extend every drop of grace I could muster to her while she fought the cancer ravaging her body. My battle was nothing compared to hers and it was my privilege to take some of her pain."

Without realizing it a tear slid down her cheek, a tear for all he had suffered. As much as she cared for him she wished that she could go back and undo the loss he had suffered, even if meant that he would have never come into her life.

"I'm so sorry for all you've lost Killian. It's not fair. A love like that only comes along once in a lifetime."

"That love only comes once but she is gone and I remain. She wouldn't want me to travel the world alone. She told me she wouldn't but I chose not to believer her. I believe now that she was telling me the truth."

Emma felt certain that there were no more words to be said so she simply moved into his arms, resting her cheek on his beating heart. The uptick in its comforting rhythm spoke volumes more than his words could.

"You're sleeping in the captain's cabin with me. And again, so sorry about earlier."

"No more apologies today lass. I'll admit that the words stung but I've gotten past it. You didn't intend to wound me. What kind of man would I be if I couldn't let it go?"

Once again Emma was struck by the difference between her first love and the man she was coming to believe more fully every day she could come to love.

"So, did you want to see the captain's quarters and put our suitcases in there?"

She nodded, turning out of his embrace but holding onto his hand. For whatever reason, every time they opened up to each other she felt as though she didn't want to take a step away from him. She wanted to be close to him. They walked quietly to the room, each feeling a little hesitance upon reaching the doorways. He had no way of knowing what a large step she was taking. She hadn't shared a bed with anyone since Neal and before him there hadn't been anyone.

"I can hear you thinking Emma."

"I don't know why I'm nervous. You're my husband and we both know that the only thing happening in that bed is sleep."

"I understand your nerves Emma. I haven't shared a bed with anyone since before Milah died. We didn't even share a bed for the last month. I slept in a bed brought in by the hospital."

"Why?"

"The pain was too much for her. The chemo damaged her nerve endings and the simple touch of my hand was enough to make her cry out in pain. There were a couple nights where I brushed her in the night while I was sleeping and woke up to her in tears because the pain was so intense. Beyond that she didn't feel as though I could possibly find her attractive like that."

She moved over to the bed, sitting lightly on the edge and turning to look at him again.

"But you did, didn't you?"

"I never truly saw the way that the cancer wrecked her the way she thought I did. She was as beautiful as the day I met her. Sure I saw the effects of her illness but they could never dull her shine. I loved her for so much more than her hair and her skin. Her kind soul shone through that sickness, even when she was hurting and angry. My attraction to her took a turn though, I won't lie. I was her caretaker and that can wreak havoc on a relationship. Towards the very end she was so weak and as I mentioned my touch alone was enough to hurt her. So for me she became porcelain and you don't really handle porcelain."

Once again her heart broke for the man standing in front of her. He had loved his wife so completely and even before he lost her fully he was cut off from showing her the full of extent of his life. She couldn't begin to imagine the horror of having your love there in pain and not be able to do a single thing to ease it.

"Killian she had to have known how much you loved her. Even if you couldn't be with her the way that you wanted."

"Aye lass. I don't doubt that."

His posture changed and he stood to his full height, eyes shifting to the small window in the captain's quarters.

"Shall we grab dinner lass? We've got a full day ahead of us."

"A full day? Of what?"

"Relaxing of course. When we get back to Misthaven I fear that there's going precious little time. You've stated that you're interested in learning the ropes in being a princess and sadly we need to deal with this Grimm situation. This may be our last day of rest and relaxation for awhile."

"Well then I guess we better get to it." She smiled as she stood up from the bed, looking forward to the time she was going to get to spend with her husband.


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16:

Emma woke up slightly disoriented, light filtering in creating a glow in the room. Her body felt slightly weighted down and she was incredibly warm, despite her only blanket being a light sheet. It wasn't until she felt the warmth at her back move that she woke enough to register her surroundings. Looking down the weight she felt was Kilian's arm and the warmth was emanating from his body that was pressed against her back. She attempted to stay still, needing a moment to process before he woke up.

The night before had been magical in its simplicity. The perfect respite before they went back to a life full of demands. There were rewards to be sure. The faces of the people in the kingdom flashed across her mind. She wanted to do right by them and she knew that Killian did as well. People may think he didn't care because he had closed himself off after Milah's death but there was really no way that they could understand. She knew him and she was certain she only had an inkling about the depth of pain he felt. It had taken him a long time but he was finally allowing himself to move past it. The fact that he was making an effort with her made all the difference. She felt as though she were free to lower of the walls she had built after her time with Neal. As close as she wanted to get to Killian though the truth was always in the way. Many times the night before she had considered telling him about her pregnancy and everything that had come after. Every time she opened her mouth though the words wouldn't come and she felt as though she couldn't breathe. So she had stayed quiet, relishing their time alone together. For dinner a meal had been prepared before they boarded the ship and they ate picnic style on the deck as the sun set on the water. Afterward he had led her to a hammock that was set up on the bow of the ship.

"You thought of everything, didn't you?"

As he raised the knuckles on her hand to his lips he smiled before saying, "I do aim to please."

Her heart fluttered a bit at the words and she felt that delicious feeling in the pit of her stomach that you only get in the initial stages of having feelings for someone. He stepped away to pour her a glass of champagne and then assisted her into the hammock before climbing in himself, none too gracefully. They laughed until they could hardly breathe at his inability to get into the hammock without nearly knocking her off. Once they were settled in she had curled up close to him, intentionally laying as close as she could get. Her head settled on his chest as he tangled his fingers with hers. A comfortable silence had settled between them as they lay watching the starts overhead and the occasional dolphin splashing in the sea. It was a perfect moment, one she knew she would never forget. It had never been like this with Neal or anyone else. They could fight but it always felt like they were fighting for each other instead of against each other. When they had retired back to the captain's quarters they had made out like teenagers but when her body started naturally responding to his he had pulled back, reminding her that there was no reason to rush. She resisted his resistance for a moment but it wasn't long until reason kicked in.

"Thank you for being a gentleman Killian."

"Oh, I'm always a gentleman love but let's not test my resolve too frequently."

She had barely concealed a smile as he carefully constructed a wall of pillows between them.

"Do you really think that's necessary? We're married and we kiss."

"Aye love but it's going to be a temptation for me. As much as I hate it I think this is the way to go."

She had reluctantly agreed although she never felt it was necessary. Clearly since he was currently tucked up as close to her as he could it was not only not necessary, it was not helpful. She lay there, his arms around her, trying not to move. He didn't want to sleep like this but it was exactly what she wanted. To be held by someone who cared about her. She felt her mind try to take her back to a time when she had dreamt about this, back when she was laying cold next to a body who had sex but wouldn't hold her after because it was uncomfortable. She intentionally shifted her thoughts back to the man lying beside her. What Neal did or didn't do was irrelevant and she was determined not to allow him to continue to have a hold on her. Killian's arm tightened briefly as he moaned and gently laid a kiss on the back of her head.

"Morning lass."

It was just after the words escaped his mouth that he seemed to realize how completely wrapped around her he was. He pulled his arm back and she knew that if she were to turn he would be red to the tips of his ears.

"Emma, I'm so sorry. I'm…"

He stopped speaking when she reached behind her to grab his arm, pulling it back around her.

"I wasn't complaining Killian. Besides, you're the one who wanted the wall of pillows between us not me."

He nodded and she could feel the tension leave his body.

"We're married Killian. Intimacy is supposed to form between us."

"So soon?"

"I don't recall there being a timetable. We've said it before. It's our pace. Not my time, not your time. Ours. I won't push you for more than you're ready for. Is this too much for you?"

"Not today lass. I can't say that I'd be ready to share a room permanently at this point but it's been a treat to wake up to you this morning. And may I say you're ravishing."

For a moment she thought he was kidding but when she turned to look him in the eyes she saw no laughter there.

"Do you have any idea how lucky I feel that your parents picked me?"

"If you think you're lucky you should see it from my perspective. My parents told me of some of the letters that they received when they were trying to find me a bride. The ones that mentioned me were few and far between. Everyone was just looking to fulfill that childhood dream of being a princess. I was a means to an end to get there to everyone but you. Your lack of interest in being a princess is exactly what makes you the perfect fit for it."

"I doubt the people of Misthaven are going to see it that way. I'm sure they would have preferred someone who had at least a working knowledge of how the monarchy works, and I'm sure they would have preferred a leader who actually wanted to lead."

"If they do then I guess they're out of luck. I don't really relish the role of prince. But this is what I've been given and there are some blessings in it. The trade off for some of my privacy is the ability to help a child. The trade off for some of my freedom is the ability to help those who don't have as much as I do."

"And the trade off for marrying a virtual stranger?"

"I have a lovely, compassionate and brave partner in life. There are worse trade offs."

Shew as still wrapped in his arms and her body seemed to recognize in that moment what an intimate position they were in. She had worn a long t-shirt and a pair of boy short underwear to bed and he was sleeping in a pair of boxers. Had she known when she packed that they'd be sharing a bed she would have at least brought a pair of shorts to sleep in. However when she came back to the room after changing in the bathroom she couldn't bring herself to be upset about how having proper sleep clothes when he groaned at the sight of her.

"Love, I do believe you're trying to kill me."

"I didn't know we'd be sleeping in the same bed."

She smiled, remembering how he seemed to be physically affected by the sight of her. It was a heady feeling to be wanted by him.

"What does that smile mean?"

"I was just thinking that barrier of pillows didn't exactly stop me from getting my way."

"Why did the lass want to wake up in my arms? I could have accommodated last night."

"You were pretty insistent on being a gentleman. It's find though. You got to be a gentleman and build the wall but I still got to wake up next to you. I say we both win."

"You honestly don't mind lass?"

"I definitely don't mind Killian. I like being with you like this. I've been keeping you at arm's length because of everything that happened with Neal. Like you said last night though that's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. It gives him power over me that he shouldn't have. That he doesn't deserve. A lot happened with him Killian. Things that I've never told anyone. I want to tell you but every time I try I feel like I can't breathe."

"Then you're not ready. When you're ready the words will come. It's okay for you to have parts of your past that are private. You'll share what you're ready to share when you're ready to share it."

"I swear you're too good to be true."

"Not so lass. Perhaps before you just had less than you deserve. When you get used to that it takes time to adjust with getting what you deserve again."

"Wise words."

"I am indeed a wise man. I did marry you after all."

"That was less wisdom and more force."

"Whatever the reason for you being here I'm glad."

She smiled before spontaneously turning back to press a quick kiss to his lips.

"Don't start something you can't finish there lass."

He arched his eyebrow in that endearing way that he had and for a moment she felt her resolve to wait until they got to know each other better waiver. Then she remembered Neal and the baby, and the fact that Killian still didn't know the full extent of everything that had happened there. The thought caused her to stiffen and while she hoped that Killian didn't notice she knew he most likely had. He was intuitive about her in a way that no one had ever been before.

"Perish the though. But we've got limited time with your ship today Captain. Perhaps we shouldn't wile away the day in bed."

She felt him not behind her and felt his arm release her. Already she missed the weight of him but his quick release of her clearly indicated he had noticed the change in her.

"Killian, I don't want to get up because I don't want to lay here with you. But like you didn't want to go too fast last night I don't want to tempt myself this morning."

"Too right lass. I know it's for the best, even if I don't like it."

She smiled again, pleased at his admission that he wanted her. While they were taking things slow it was nice that he so readily assured her it wasn't what he wanted to do. She sat up, reaching to the bedside table for the hair tie she had left there the night before as he got out of bed. As she watched him move around the room she realized she felt a peace she hadn't felt in years. Not since before Neal and the baby. She relished the feeling but couldn't help but notice when a trace of fear seemed to press at the edge of that peace. Things were going well now, but how long could she expect that to continue?"

* * *

Mary Margaret startled awake when she heard a knock on her front door. She wasn't typically one to nap in the afternoon but shew as enjoying a rare lazy day at home.

"I'm coming."

When she reached the door and opened it she was surprised to see Neal standing there.

"Neal, this is unexpected."

"I'm sorry to bother you Mrs. Nolan. I was just hoping you might be able to help me get in contact with Emma. I just got back to Misthaven and was hoping to catch up with her."

"I certainly don't mean to pry Neal but I never got the impression from Emma that things ended particularly well with the two of you."

"Emma was upset that I moved posts. I think she was wanting to settle down but there was still so much good that I wanted to do. It seemed wrong to sacrifice that call to focus on myself, no matter how much I may have wanted to."

"Surely you know that Emma is married now."

"How could I step foot in Misthaven and not know. Her face is plastered everywhere. It's so odd to think that my ex is the princess. I'd imagine that she feels like she moved up."

A trace of bitterness made its way into his voice and he hoped that Mary Margaret wouldn't pick up on it. He had chosen to come to her, instead of David, because he knew that she was a big believer in true love. Emma had talked about it all the time when they were together. How she was equal parts in awe of her parents love story and repelled by it. She had wanted adventure, and felt that Mary Margaret had settled for simple domesticity.

"Neal, what happened with the two of you. You were such good friends when you went off to the peace corp but when she came back my daughter was a different person. She wouldn't talk to us. For the longest time she didn't even tell us about you."

"Like I said Emma wanted to settle down and focus on building our life. I didn't realize when we went in that she was biding her time until she could settle down and focus on her own life, instead of the lives of those we were supposed to be there enriching. I had more good that I wanted to do and she didn't understand that."

"That doesn't sound like my Emma."

"Well like you said by the time she came home you didn't really know her. I tried to make it work. I did. But she was jealous and insecure, accusing me of cheating all the time. Eventually I had to leave, for both of our sakes. She needed to spend some time getting to know Emma and I really felt that the situation was becoming toxic. So I took a post somewhere else."

Mary Margaret was stunned. She had hoped that her and David had modeled a healthy relationship for Emma but it seemed that the distance had been harder on Emma than she thought. She probably clung to Neal to give her some stability in an unstable place. Instead she had pushed him again.

"Why has she been so guarded about that?"

"Emma never really understood that she was doing it completely, no matter how many times I tried to explain it. One night, just a few months before we ended for good, I wanted to go out and she didn't want to. It ended up in a big fight and I went out without her. When she showed up at the bar I was with my friend and she absolutely lost it. She decided that I must have been cheating on her and she confronted us, right there in the middle of the bar. She embarrassed me and my friend, making baseless accusations. After that any time she got upset she would bring that night up as an example of how I was untrustworthy."

"Neal, I'm so sorry. That had to have been so hard."

"It wasn't easy. Honestly it wasn't all Emma's fault. She was so daunted by the perfection of your relationship with her father that she poured all of her energy into emulating that and when I didn't fit the mold she punished me for it."

"If that's the case why do you want to see her now?"

"Because I want to make sure she's okay. I know what I see on the magazines but I've known Emma for years. I want to make sure that she's genuinely happy."

His real reasons for wanting to see her were far less altruistic he knew but her mother never needed to know that. He needed to see Emma quickly, so that he could get out of Misthaven without his father finding out he was there. If that meant that he needed to mislead Mary Margaret then that's what he would do. He was out of money, and with no girlfriend currently, his only options were either get a job or go to his father. He wasn't sure which one of those options were the least appealing.

"Well, I can't get you past the guards, and she's out of town at the moment, but I can tell you that when she's in town she goes to Misthaven Coffee Creations every morning around ten. She'll have people around her but I'm sure she'd be happy to see you."

"Thank you Mrs. Nolan. I'm so looking forward to seeing her."

He smiled, charming as always but for the first time she sensed the slightest hint of darkness behind his eyes and wondered if she had made a mistake in guiding him to her daughter. This was Emma's first love though and maybe whatever wounds had been created during their relationship could be healed by a spontaneous meeting. It could be good for Emma and it could be good for her marriage if she was able to let Neal and whatever had gone on between them go.

* * *

Two days letter Emma and Killian returned to Misthaven quietly, with none of the ceremony that had seen them off. They hadn't announced their return, instead preferring to head back to their home and see their family. Although they had spent the nights since the ship sharing a bed each immediately went back to their individual rooms, needing some time to process the changes their trip had wrought in their relationship. Emma knew that soon she was going to need to tell him the full story regarding her child with Neal but she just couldn't bring herself to do it and as he said if she couldn't make the words appear then maybe the time just wasn't right. She unpacked her clothing, throwing it haphazardly on the bed, thoughts swirling through her head. Even though they were back early that trip with Killian had been just what she needed. He had been kind and attentive, and more than anything she was able to see clearly that her feelings for him weren't one sided. His conversation with his mother replayed in her head, reminding her that he was concerned with protecting her at all costs. It was so new to have someone so focused on her well-being. The only other time she had experienced it was with her parents and even with them she often felt that their interest was in their version of her best interest, not hers. Killian exemplified the notion of sacrificial care. If she was unhappy he would let her go because even though he didn't want to lose her he wanted her to be happy more than he wanted to be happy himself. The thought alone brought her a measure of peace that she cherished.

"Love, what did you have planned for the day?"

"I'm going to go grab some coffee and then head to the park. I have an afternoon meeting scheduled with your mother so I want to take some time to prepare."

"What do you think you'll discuss?"

"I want to see what she knows about Regina Mills and find out who the person advising on the board before me was."

"I can help with that. It was George Kingston. He's been friends with my parents for years."

"Do you think that he could have been a part of all this?"

"My parents would say no."

"What about you? What do you think?"

"I think that George is very smooth. He's polished and he knows what to say. My parents have maintained a friendship with him over the years but I've never completely trusted him. I've always gotten a bad vibe off of him."

"What do you mean a bad vibe?"

"I just feel like there's a lot he's not saying. When he's with my parents it's always like he's paying close attention, like they're going to drop a morsel in his lap he won't be able to resist."

"So you feel like maybe he's a plant or a spy?"

"I don't know that he always was. I just don't think that he's necessarily loyal to them. I think he's loyal to himself and what's in his best interest. Still that's just my vibe on the guy, not something that I can prove in any way."

"Well if we can get the financials for the last few years at the orphanage and compare what he's been signing off on with what Regina has been submitting then I think we should be able to catch him."

"The differences have been small."

"Small differences once or twice is understandable but you can't tell me that if he were paying attention to the information she was providing that years of small differences wouldn't have been reported as a discrepancy."

"That's true. My parents would have told me if something like that had been reported."

"I'd say then that George Kingston is someone we need to be watching as well. We need to find out where this money is going Killian. They're stealing from children. It's unthinkable. These children have nothing, they have no one. How is it that anyone could take from them?"

He noticed a look enter her eyes, a fire he saw whenever she talked about children, and wanted to push but resisted the urge. Whatever there was in her past that was keeping her quiet she had to tell him on her time table.

"You said you were going to go get coffee then?"

"Yeah, I got to Misthaven Coffee about this time every day, when I'm in town. I've been doing it for years, although less since we got married."

"I don't want to disrupt your routine."

"I'm the princess now Killian. I can't just expect my life not to change at all. I agreed to marry you, agreed to this life. I don't regret it. But maybe today you'd like to join me. For the coffee and the park."

"Are you sure that you don't need some time to yourself love? We did just get back from vacation."

"I'm sure. It's just coffee and the park. I'll be with your mom all afternoon and who knows how that will go."

"Well then lass I'd love to go. I'd love to learn more about who you were before you were Princess Emma."

She smiled before grabbing her purse and taking his hand guiding him out the door.

* * *

Neal sat in a table in the corner of Misthaven Coffee, waiting for Emma to come in. He'd been there since nine in the morning so that he wouldn't miss her, hoping that she would be in. He had heard that her and the prince had arrived back in Misthaven that morning, quietly and without fan fair. It was eleven thirty now and he was getting ready to just give up, to come back tomorrow. It was as he was fiddling with his phone, determining if waiting had any chance of paying off that he saw her. Her blonde hair was loose down her back in waves and she was wearing a grey jacket. Mostly though she wore a giant smile as she threw her head back in laughter at her new husbands words. Their fingers were entwined and they looked like the picture of happiness. From behind them he saw a paparazzi who was trying to be discreet, but failing. This was a money shot for them for sure. Emma walked in and made her way to the counter, the prince staying back a bit before placing his order as well, and he stood preparing to make his approach. They were heading for the door, eyes fixed intently on each other as they shared what appeared to be an inside joke, when he stepped in front of them.

"Well, well. If it isn't Emma Swan."

Before she could speak Killian stepped in, clear irritation on his face.

"That would be Princess Emma to you. I'd recommend that you not forget that you're addressing royalty again."

"Of course Prince Killian. I just know the princess from before her days as royalty. We were once very close."

Killian didn't miss the fact that the color had drained from Emma's face and her grip on his hand had tightened.

"Well she's royalty now. And you are."

"My name is Neal Cassidy. I was Emma's…"

Once the words were out of his mouth everything about Killian's demeanor changed. Emma felt him grow angry and she willed him to stay calm. Up to now the press could see that a conversation was taking place but it looked civil. However from the way that Killian's jaw was clenched and she could see that vein in his forehead bulging just the slightest bit she knew that he was struggling to keep his cool.

"I know what you were to Emma. I know who you were to Emma."

"Neal, I'm sure I don't have to introduce you to my husband, Prince Killian of Misthaven."

"Of course not."

"We were recently wed."

"I may not live in Misthaven anymore Emma but I keep up on the comings and goings in my kingdom. But honestly, I've not come to discuss your marriage Emma. I've come to discuss our son. I want ten million dollars transferred into my bank account Emma or I'm going to the press to tell them that their beloved new princess got pregnant to trap a man several years ago and either aborted the baby or put it up for adoption when she couldn't get her way. I'll be at the castle tomorrow Emma and I expect you to be ready to take care of this. Have the funds set aside. I don't want to be in this kingdom any longer than I have to be. My father is still here and I don't want to see him."

Before another word could be said he turned and left the building, leaving a shocked prince and princess in his wake.


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

The exchange had been quiet but Killian felt as though the words had been screamed at him. Emma had either had an abortion or put a child up for adoption? His head was spinning with the information. He felt her hand touch his and before he could think he pulled his hand away, unable to receive or give any kind of comfort at the moment.

"Emma, I just.."

"Don't worry about it Killian."

It wasn't the anger in her voice that struck him. He anticipated that. Anger not only at Neal but at him. What struck him instead was the raw pain he first heard and then saw in her emerald green eyes.

"Emma, please I just need a moment."

"Take it then."

There were no more words as she headed towards the car. She held her back and shoulders rigid but Killian was under no illusions that she was okay. Neal had shaken her and when she had reached out for him he had pushed her away. Still as he followed behind her to the car he wasn't able to speak to ease her hurt. Instead he climbed into the drivers side of the car, white knuckles making clear that he was upset. The drive back to the castle was nearly silent as each was caught in their own thoughts. The day he learned Milah was sick was one of the worst days of his life but it wasn't all because of the diagnosis. They had been trying to get pregnant for a long time, taking test after test, but every time the results came back negative. Until just before she got sick. When the doctor told them that she would have to end her pregnancy in order for her to have even a chance at survival they were devastated. Milah had considered forgoing treatment until the doctor told her that without the treatment she would die before the baby would be able to survive. It wouldn't just be a death sentence for Milah but for both of them. So they had made the decision to end her pregnancy to try to save her life, which was ultimately futile as he had lost both of them in the end anyways. He didn't fault Emma if she had opted to have an abortion. He knew enough about her relationship with Neal that he could understand her reluctance to bring a child into it. Still the thought of it reopened the wound that was the loss of his own child. When he had ended her pregnancy Milah hadn't wanted to talk about the baby and he was okay with it. Part of him didn't feel like he had a right to grieve that loss because he hadn't been physically connected to the baby. It was growing in Milah but for him the baby was still an idea. A vision for the future, until that future was gone. It felt like he was taking something that belonged to Milah by grieving the child as though he had been connected to it somehow. It only helped build his anger at a universe that seemed determined to do anything to rip everyone he loved from him.

Still he knew that at the moment it wasn't about his grief and pain. Never did his pain or grief make it okay to take it out on Emma. Since she had come into his life there was light in his life that was driving out the darkness. He hadn't noticed it at first because he was so busy trying to keep his ever-growing feelings for her at bay but day by day she was bringing him back to life. His whole world had been taken from him, with the exception of his parents, but now it felt like he was having new life breathed into him. Now she needed him and stupidly he had rebuffed her silent request for comfort. After they arrived at the castle she immediately bolted from the car and he questioned whether the best course of action would be to go after her or to leave her be for a while to cool down. The question was answered for him though when he entered his room and found her sitting on his bed, eyes red rimmed with unshed tears and legs held to her chest by trembling arms. She looked like a little girl and he wanted nothing more than to take her pain away.

"It's not true Killian. It's not."

With her clearly in so much pain he felt his feet move of their own volition. He knelt on the bed next to her, pulling her close with one arm and caressing the side of her face with the palm of his other hand.

"Emma, I don't care if it's true or not. He had no right to treat you like that."

"But Killian it's not true. I was too far along in my pregnancy to have an abortion. Any idiot would know that."

"So you put your child up for adoption. That's not bad Emma. It's noble. Not everyone can do it. I know I certainly couldn't have."

"No Killian. That's not what I mean. I never put a baby up for adoption."

She looked heartbroken and without question he knew that she had never spoken about whatever was weighing on her.

"Emma, you know I trust you right? You don't have to tell me anything if you're not ready."

"No, I do. You're my husband. You should know, especially with Neal running around threatening me. It could affect the crown."

"Sod the crown Emma. My concern is not with that at all. It's only on you and if you're not ready we'll deal with Neal. We'll give him what he's asking for."

"He would never stop. He'd be back over and over again, always asking for more."

"Whatever happened Emma it was before me. You'll never know everything that happened before you and I don't expect you to tell me everything that happened before me."

"It's not a thing Killian. It's the thing. If you want to know me then you need to know this piece of the puzzle."

He could see how much whatever it had been hurt her but he could also see how much it mean to her that he knew. Slowly he nodded his head, indicating for her to go on.

"I was just in my second trimester when Neal left. He had been staying at his place a lot. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells with him all the time so honestly I was okay with him not being around. I guess it should have been a clue that things were bad between us but I desperately didn't want to lose him. My parents had the fairytale and I guess on some level I felt like I had to live up to that."

"Did your parents make you feel that way?"

"Not really. At least not intentionally. My mom talked about meeting and marrying my dad was the most important thing that she had ever done. I can't really fault her for that but honestly it was always hard to relate to. She always felt like if I could just find the right guy to marry and settle down everything would fall into place for me. That the world would just magically right itself."

"And you didn't feel the same?"

"No, I always wanted more. I always related more to my dad because of it. He got my sense of adventure but mom always wanted me to settle into life. Somehow though I always felt like if I didn't fulfill mom's dream of happy ever after it would be a failure and I wanted to get it right. Especially with a baby on the way. I should've known things wouldn't work though. No matter what Neal thinks or says I didn't get pregnant intentionally but I was happy. I thought we were building a life together and I was naive enough to think that he'd want to settle down once he found out. The night that I went to tell him about the baby we had had a fight because he wanted to go out and he didn't. So, I thought I would surprise him to make it up to him. That was the night I found him in bed with Tamara. I found them out together and he told me I was being crazy. I went home and then decided to make things better by telling him about the baby. I let myself in and found them in bed. I don't know why he even bothered but somehow he convinced me it was a one-time thing. Made sure I knew it was a reaction to some behavior that I had that he didn't like. Taking responsibility was never really his strong suit but I stayed. I was having a baby in a place far from home so I stayed. It was hard and it wasn't good for either one of us really. The confidence I had in our relationship was shaken by his cheating so I kept throwing it in his face. Naturally he didn't think that was fair, and I suppose it wouldn't have been if I hadn't learned later that he was actually was still seeing Tamara. So ultimately totally fair. We started fighting all the time and I was just super stressed out and insecure."

Killian felt a sense of dread go down his back but he pushed it away. She hadn't looked up since she started talking but he could hear the tears in her voice. Knowing her as he was coming to he knew that she was probably doing everything she could to stay strong. Discreetly he looked at her, her eyes fixated on her fingers and the nail polish she was chipping off the nails. Wherever she was she wasn't there with him anymore.

"Finally one night he was just gone. I was twenty-five weeks pregnant. I woke up with some back pain, which wasn't all that unusual, but this felt funny. It was just different so I called Neal. By that point he was practically staying at his place every night. Always made sure I knew it was because he couldn't stand my nagging and complaining. No one answered at his place and the pain just kept getting worse. Finally I called the coordinator for our location. She was going to look into it and see if she could find out where he was but I had a bad pain. I hung up and called for an ambulance but I think I already knew what was happening. When I got to the hospital the doctors did everything to try and stop my labor but it was too late. I was just barely past the six month mark and the likelihood of my baby surviving was incredibly low. He was a boy. I had a son. So tiny. Not even two pounds but he was beautiful. He was so beautiful. They took him to the NICU and put him on oxygen to help him breathe. As soon as they'd let me I went in and sat with him. I sat there with him for two days, pouring every drop of my strength into him, but eventually I told him it was okay to go. The doctors said it was a struggle for him to breathe and hat he likely would never have normal brain function. I would have loved him no matter what Killian, but I gave him my blessing to stop fighting. I held his little hand as he slipped out of this life. Less than a day later the coordinator, Miss Blue, got in contact with me and told me that he and Tamara had left earlier in the day the day the day my baby was born. In the same day I lost my child and my boyfriend. My son was forty-six hours hold and Neal shows up here today exploiting him for money."

Her story told she hunched over, quiet sobs wracking her body. More than anything he wanted to destroy Neal Cassidy for the way he had tried to break her. He had cheated on her and abandoned her while she was pregnant and now, four years later, he was back trying to extort her for cash over her dead child. He may not know the child was dead but he did know that it was his. He never asked about the child, only assumed the worst of Emma while trying to cash in on their marriage.

"Emma? Love, are you okay?"

"I haven't been okay since the day I lost my child. I didn't know what to do when I got back. I didn't want to admit my failures so I just didn't talk about anything. I stayed quiet and went out on my bike. Went on whatever adventures I could go on just to get my mind off of things."

"Right now. Are you okay right now?"

"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. Neal is here and he's threatening to expose all this and I don't know what to do. Do you have any ideas?"

"It all depends on you love. It's about what works for you because I honestly just want to have him arrested for extortion. He forgets that he's dealing with a member of royalty now. I can have him arrested without it being a big, public thing but I can't hold him without due process. Snakes like him rarely ever slink quietly back into the night."

"I don't want him arrested. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should just tell everyone and take away his ammunition but after all this time how do I do that? How do I tell my parents that they had a grandchild and I never let them grieve for him?"

"Emma, they'll grieve I'm sure but this was your loss. It was personal to you and no one, not your parents and not even Neal would ever be able to understand it. I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to think I'm trying to shift the conversation. I'm not."

"Okay. What is it?"

"Milah and I were pregnant when she got sick."

For the first time Emma looked up at him. Her eyes were red-rimmed but there were questions dancing in them.

"I'm so sorry Killian. What happened?"

"She was a few months along. We were over the moon, we'd been trying for a while, and then we got the good news that she was going to have a baby. It's why we didn't catch the cancer sooner. We thought her symptoms were pregnancy related but they weren't."

"Did she miscarry too?"

"No, she didn't. Unfortunately because her cancer was so advanced by the time we caught it the doctors told us that the only slight chance to save her would be to end the pregnancy. She considered trying to carry to term but the doctors assured us that the cancer would kill her before the baby was viable outside of the womb."

"So it was either save her and take the baby or lose them both."

"In the end it didn't really matter. I lost them both anyways."

Emma could see the depth of his grief reflecting in his eyes. She had been certain he wouldn't understand her grief. To lose something you've had was one thing but to lose something you've never had was very different.

"Did you know if it was a girl or boy?"

"No, it was too early for that. It makes it easier in some ways but in my head I always imagine it was a little girl. I don't know why."

Unbidden the image of Killian with a blonde haired little girl riding on his shoulders came to her mind and she had to stop herself from gasping. She had seen pictures of Milah. Her hair was long and dark. The blonde child was clearly an image of Killian with their little girl. In an instant she wanted it so badly that the pain of not having it was nearly palpable.

"What would you like to do about Neal love? Whatever you decide is fine with me. I'll follow your lead. But whatever you decide know this. You have no reason to feel guilt or shame for the loss of your lad. He was your child and you loved him."

"But how is parliament and the rest of the kingdom going to feel about a princess who had a baby outside of marriage. For them it's normal but they forced you to get married because of an antiquated law. I doubt that they're going to be accepting of the fact I was pregnant and not married."

"Sod them Emma. You were abandoned by the father and left to suffer the loss of your child alone. If they feel anything but compassion for you tough."

"You say that because you're my husband. What about your parents and parliament?"

"Well there's only one way to know about my parents love. Would you like to tell them? I can ring them and we can tell them together."

"I don't really want to but I do feel it would be best. But will you tell them the story Killian? Please, I can't go over it again. My own parents don't even know yet."

"Of course lass. Whatever you wish. Do you want to tell your parents first?"

"No, we need to get this situation with Neal taken care of first."

"Alright. I'll call my parents and we'll talk to them."

An hour later found Emma and Killian in the living room with his parents, a worried expression on their faces. Emma was sitting next to Killian, her feet tucked up next to her while she burrowed in as close as she could get. Whatever was going on clearly was upsetting her and on Killian's part he looked like there was a quiet rage simmering just below the surface. Louisa was the first to speak. "So Killian, what's going on?" You both seem rather upset."

"We have an issue that we need your guidance on."

"Are the two of you having a baby?"

"No mother."

"Then what's going on?"

"We went for coffee earlier and ran into one of Emma's exes. He's trying to blackmail her."

"What kind of information does he have to use?"

"When Emma was in the Peace Corp she was with this guy, Neal Cassidy. They were all but living together and he was assuring her that he wanted a life with her. She ended up getting pregnant just as she learned that he was cheating on her. They tried to make it work for a while but then one night she was having some pain and when she called him she couldn't find him. She went into premature labor and had a son. He lived for just shy of two days before he passed away in the NICU. The next day she found out that Neal had left the Peace Corp with the woman he'd been cheating on her with, with no way to contact him. He showed up today and he's demanding money or he's going to go to the press and tell them that she either aborted the baby or put it up for adoption."

The story told he waited for his parent's reaction.

"Killian, that's terrible. Emma, are you okay?"

"Not really."

"That's a tragic tale Emma, no doubt. I do wish that you had told us about it before though so that we were able to handle it in advance."

Killian's jaw clenched but Emma put her hand on his arm, calming him almost instantly. Where he was driven by emotion she was calmer and that calmness soothed him in a way that he wasn't able to fully understand.

"I've never spoken about this to anyone Louisa. Not even my parents. I was so ashamed and so broken by the loss of my child that I just came home and put it behind me. I was actually planning on telling Killian soon but then Neal showed up."

"Well obviously I understand all that Emma but we are royals. We're not really allowed to have these types of skeletons in our closets."

"Mother…" There was a warning in his voice that made Emma slightly uncomfortable.

"Killian, I know that it's unpleasant but it has to be thought of. We're not just people."

"No, we are. We have a title and yes, a birthright but the pressure to be perfect all the time is wrong. I had to run away from my people after the loss of my wife because I knew my grief would be picked apart. I've even read articles criticizing my marrying Emma because she was not familiar with royalty and how things are done. Emma had a right to her grief and she had a right to deal with it in whatever manner she saw fit. She was not obligated to tell anyone about her loss."

"Well of course it's not fair Killian but it is the way that it is. Royals are under scrutiny at all times."

Finally, his tenuous grasp on his temper snapped.

"Mother, I'm telling you right now that you need to be thinking about Emma right now. I understand that the crown is important to you but I am your child and Emma is my wife. This man left her completely alone in a place where she had no one while she was pregnant. He never even knew that she had to face the loss of their child alone. Yet he's back here trying to extort her and you're more focused on damage control than on making sure that she's okay."

"Don't you take that tone with me Killian Jones. I am your mother."

"At this moment you seem to be more focused on being my queen."

"That's not fair and you know it."

"What's not fair is that instead of getting any kind of compassion from her mother in law, not her queen, your mind immediately went to chastising her. This is not the kingdom's business. If and when the information is released it should be done because Emma wants to share it with them, not because the deadbeat who left her is demanding money from her."

An idea hit Emma in an instant.

"Killian, I have an idea if your parents are open to it."

"What's that love?"

"I want to get the money but I don't want to give it to Neal."

"What are you thinking?"

"I want to have a press conference here, tonight. I'll call my parents first of course but it needs to be tonight. I want to share my story with the press, to take away his power, and then I'd like to take the money that he's requesting and donate it to a charity for pregnancy loss awareness."

"We could just donate the money lass. No one needs to know."

"I'm not ashamed Killian. As you stated I didn't do anything wrong. If we don't take it to the press then Neal keeps his ammunition. We need to stop him. If the people are going to know about my past I want it to come from me. We could tell Neal the truth but the fact of the matter is that he's not going to care. That baby meant nothing to him and even now he sees him as only a meal ticket. I have to take that power away."

"Emma is right Killian. I think that she's come up with the perfect way to diffuse the situation."

Killian glared at his mother, frustrated by the fact that once again his mother was focusing on the situation instead of on the fact that Emma was being pressured into releasing information about her personal life against her will.

"Emma, are you sure." He chose to ignore his mother, knowing that right now wasn't the time to focus on their relationship. Emma needed him to be present for her and all he could think about right now was making sure she was okay. Since it appeared that no one else in his family was going to do it.

"I'm sure Killian. Let's call my parents first. I need to tell them. They can't find out on the news. But I want the press conference tonight. Are you sure it's okay to donate the money Louisa?"

"It's fine Emma. In fact, I think it's a great idea. Especially since it's so personal to you."

"Not just personal to me. I know that Killian lost a child during Milah's pregnancy too. I want the money to be from both of us, in honor of our children."

Killian's head shot up, looking at Emma in disbelief. How was it that this woman was his wife? There were flaws, on both of their parts, but in the middle of all the mess that had been his life the past few years she was a rare bright spot. Her kindness and compassion radiated from her. She was beautiful for certain but his draw to her was more because of her heart. He wanted to make sure she was serious but he didn't really need to ask the question. He knew the answer. In the midst of this nightmare that Neal was putting her through she was thinking about his grief and trying to honor his pain as well as hers. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten so lucky.

Across from him on the couch the king watched with amusement as wonder and a sense of dawning seemed to flash across his son's face. It was as though his eyes were being opened for the first time and Brennan counted himself lucky that he got to be there for this moment. The situation was hardly ideal and the next day was going to be taxing for both Killian and Emma but in this moment, he could see that his son was having that moment that so rarely gets to be witnessed by another person. The moment that he realized he was very likely in love with his wife.


End file.
